49. bawdy storytelling: horizontal with a sexual folklorist

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Dixie:  And last year, we had a big crazy celebration wedding. We had had a friend die in a motorcycle accident, and it, just, made me think that life passes too fast. And you don’t ever stop and celebrate things. And, I knew that, our families were getting older and they hadn’t met each other and they probably never would, because they were old and they probably wouldn’t travel. So I said, “You know the one thing that they would show up for is a wedding.” And he said “Yep.” So we put together this fucked up wedding. (Lila titters) And the families, we— you know my— it was gonna be a traditional, let the families meet each other kinda thing, and then, Polly Superstar who runs Kinky Salon said, “You know what, my partner has not met my community in San Francisco, my sex community, and, I am gonna rearrange my travel, and I’m gonna bring him to your wedding, and he’s gonna get to meet the entire community at your wedding.” And I went, “Wait, now my wedding is a sex party meet up?” And she said, “You’re not fooling anybody; You love it.” And I’m like, (under her breath) I kinda do! So it’s started gettin’ outta hand, and then the Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence got involved. And then the Porn Clowns got involved. And everybody was like, “Okay! Well, if it’s Dixie’s wedding, we’re gonna, we’re gonna be us.” And I thought my family was gonna hate it, because my entire life, I’ve been told, “Why can’t you be normal?” And they showed up, and both families got on the microphone, at a certain point when we were talking about things, and they were just like, “This is the most amazing thing we’ve ever seen in our life!” (Lila laugh-cries) And I’ll have to send you a copy of the picture — we all ran out into the middle of the street (it’s the venue that I throw Bawdy Storytelling at, in San Francisco) and uh, at a certain point, we all ran out in the middle of the street, dressed like Porn Clowns and fake nuns in (Lila laughs delightedly) bright colors and Tantra goddesses and ran out, and the photographer got the shot of like, 150 of us standing in the middle of the street, and that’s the photo from my wedding. Freaks.

Lila:  (through tears) It’s so beautiful that I am weeping.

Dixie:  Awhohoho, thank you! Why are you weeping?

Lila:  Because— it’s like how I felt when I watched Secretary for the first time, it’s like—

Dixie:  Really?!

Lila:  Yeah, it’s like, there are people for us. You know what I mean, like—

Dixie:  Yeahhh.

Lila:  There are people for everybody, and you, not only, have found your people, but your family got to come and celebrate you with your (getting squeaky) people it’s so beautiful!

Dixie:  Yeah and so unexpected! You know, you’d never, you’d never think they’d get it. You’d never think they’d accept that side of yourself. That’s one thing I love about the world the way it is right now. It’s like: If we’re being this open, and we’re sharing what we really hope and dream for … it’s scary. But then, other people go, “That’s what I want too.” And you feel this bond with somebody that you wouldn’t have if just sat there and went, “So what do you do for a living?”

Lila:  Ohhh, thank you Dixie.

Dixie:  I’m glad I made you cry.

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In Dixie’s words:

The wedding was called the 7-Year Hitch because we got married on our 7-Year Fistaversary / first date.

• famous porn stars
• drag queens
• porn clowns
• sex educators
• Internet sensations
• Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence
• Musicians (Rachel Lark and Jefferson Bergey sang at my wedding)
• sex party luminaries
• a Wonder Woman
• a Care Bear (I have a think for mascots, esp if they have a rigid chickenwire head to their costume. Somebody drove 100 miles each way to buy a used Care Bear suit – not my thing but I appreciated the thought!)
• Bent’s family (Arizona and Ohio) and my family (Virginia, West Virginia, Washington DC, Santa Barbara and Charlotte)
• Storytellers for many of my 11 1/2 years of producing Bawdy

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horizontal is a podcast of intimacies recorded while lying down.

In this second part of our episode, I lie down with illustrious Southern firebrand Dixie De La Tour. Dixie is the founder, curator, and host of Bawdy Storytelling, the longest-running sex storytelling series in the United States.

I first saw Dixie perform live at The Bell House in Brooklyn, during a collaboration show between Bawdy and Risk. Dixie is one of the finest storytellers I have ever personally witnessed. First of all, she is redheaded and big-smiled and generously bosomed. Also, she’s brazen and irreverent. She’s hilarious and saucy. In short, she is captivating.

In the first part of our conversation, released as episode 48, she spun tales about her sexual awakening in the porno movie booths, Bawdy, Bang-O, craigslist personal ads, the unknown hookup, and being a porn magnet. I tried to shut my mouth and listen. But! I was so excited I kept interrupting! I calmed down toward the end, though. And Dixie told me an incredible true tale about a porno booth (with glory holes everywhere). If you haven’t heard it, go back and listen to that episode right now!

At the top of this episode, I try to tell her the story of the longstanding unrequited love of my life, and fumbled all over the telling of it. She said, “You just haven’t told it enough, is all.”

* and the clouds parted *

Of course! OF COURSE! As an actress, I wouldn’t perform in a play when I’d just barely memorized my lines! I need to have it down stone cold. I need to be able to run lines while half my brain is occupied with other things. That’s when I’m ready to go on stage.

So of course the most impactful, distilled, punchy, succinct personal stories are the ones we’ve told over and over. We’ve honed them. Like a stand-up act. We’ve stripped them to their essential parts. Like a statue.

If I want to tell my stories on a stage, I have to practice them. The longer they are, the less I’ve practiced! Have you ever heard the quote, I have made this letter long, for I had not the time to make it short?

This is why Dixie coaches storytellers and run storytelling courses. Find her body of work and let her teach you how to craft a tale, on Bawdystorytelling.com.

In this part of our conversation, we discuss the intimate art of storytelling and its ability to connect people (the amount of folks who have gotten laid because of Bawdy shows and Dixie’s super-connector skills is LEGION), Dixie tells me stories about a bbw (big beautiful woman) seeking Viagra on Craigslist, dick pics, cream pies and fuckbuddies, and her rant with a twist ending. Then we cap it off with a tale of her wild wild wedding, at which her Southern family met a whole passel of her freaky friends.

Stick around at the end of this episode for another song by Jefferson Bergey, an ode to Dixie and Dixie’s ample bosom, titled “The Mammarian.”

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If you enjoy our horizontal storytelling, become a patron of the horizontal arts, darlin! You can become a patron for $2 on up, and the rewards get more delectable as you increase. If every person who has received benefit from listening to the podcast became a $2 patron, it would be LIFE-CHANGING for me.

The rewards get more sumptuous as you increase your patronage, too! For instance, for $10 a month, you’ll get access to the love poem of the month, a private recording of one of my favorites. For $15 a month, you’ll get a ticket to a live show, or access to a secret episode, and so on.

Patronage is what makes it possible for me to continue making independent, uncensored, ad free homemade radio. I believe that when we make private conversations public, intimacy becomes contagious, and the more intimacy we cultivate, the happier our lives. Be part of it through Patreon.com/horizontalwithlila.

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For the next couple of weeks, horizontal will be on Burning Man hiatus, while I head to Nevada with my shiniest clothing!

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And Now, you know what you gotta do, right y’all? You gotta come lie down with us.

Links to Things:

Patron of the horizontal arts!

Dixie on the interwebz: Bawdystorytelling.com + Instagram + Twitter

The Bawdy podcast (which I listened to all across America)

RISK / Bawdy collaboration show at the Bell House. I was there! That’s when I first fell in looove with Dixie!

Bawdy got me Laid, a little ditty by Rachel Lark

horizontal does america, my cross-country road trip / recording tour on which we created this episode

Jefferson Bergey, one of Bawdy’s long-time songwriters, who wrote the song “Mammarian,” at the end of the episode.

Friends of Dixie who made her wedding such an extravaganza:

Polly Superstar who runs Kinky Salon

The Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence

The Porn Clowns

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Show Notes (feel free to share quotes/resources on social media, and please link to this website or my Patreon!):

website link: https://horizontalwithlila.com/

Patreon link: https://www.patreon.com/horizontalwithlila

[8:12 – 19:50]  Lila tries to tell Dixie the story of her great unrequited love. (Read her post radical vulnerability, for the fully-fleshed out story.)

[9:07]  Here is one of the “love letters” Lila wrote during that summer in Portland. (She was also doing a writing regimen of a page a day at that time.)

Hanging lingerie to dry

is one of those delicate pleasures

one cannot help but imagine the encounters they warrant

and to finger lingeringly the memories they speak of

It reminds me of something I read once

advice for women

to apply eye cream with only the ring finger of each hand

because it is the weakest finger

(oh how interesting)

I handle my panties as though all my fingers were weak

as though I could preserve the lace from tattering in places

from splitting at the center of my center

I have a fascination with hanging laundry; I photograph it

I imagine myself hanging white sheets with rough-hewed clothespins on the Italian countryside (it’s always the Italian countryside, and never the French, or the Spanish, or the Dutch – is this a simple longing to be connected to my father’s father’s fatherland?)

the laundry, wet, provides a shadow puppet screen, and I dance for my lover, a little play

Then I’m off, cycling on an olden bicycle with a woven basket on the front, and a checkered picnic blanket folded neat and tied into a parcel on the back

I wear a circling, rippling flowered skirt

with a high waist

and a little camisole on top, lacy between the breasts

My hair is clean and loose and the wind plays with it as I swoop a little too fast down the fluted hills

I ride alone

But when I stop to break bread and imbibe, my lover is there

And I drink wine though I know it will only make me sleepy.  Because I can nap in his shade.

And I do.

He spends my nap tousling my hair, holding a pinchful of strands at their very ends, and rubbing his fingers together as though sprinkling salt.  I can feel the tiny electrical impulses in my half-dream. In my dream, I make choices. I awake amorous.

The next vineyard is of course, quite far down the road, so who’s to see

And even if they would

Young lovers are celebrated here

the town is famous for them

Grandmothers merely turn their heads to their husbands with a wry smile and suggest another glass of wine

Lingerie out of doors in Italy begins to smell like grapes and the ground, cut grass and sweat

Lingerie removed out of doors in Italy and lying discarded on the grass sighs with the contentment of having fulfilled its purpose, and with that sigh, practically disintegrates and expires

Can there be anything more important than this – the open-faced sun, the checkered blanket, his warm, cradling, crushing body, our wine-stained tongues, time, ease, company, unprovoked laughter, and the promise of clean dry sheets, a warm home, and those to greet us when we arrive there?

Oh, I would I were free of fear

and blessed with the restraint of a flower’s blossoming

And that my lacy things should each fulfill their purpose

[9:36]  Dixie informs Lila that there is an essential element missing from her story. It was a description of the visage below:

Dixie:  So there is an essential element missing from this story.

Lila:  What’s missing?

Dixie:  The photo that you saw on Nerve.com; we need to picture the character.

Lila:  But I said he looks like David Benioff!

Dixie:  That’s relatable to some people—

Dixie:  — c’mon, give us a little bit more than that.                           Lila:  Oh, okay, okay, a little bit more, okay.

Lila:  So—

Dixie:  You said “vibe” as though, creator-vibe is how I took it. As in not how he looks, but how he thinks and writes, but, what did he look like?

Lila:  Oh, no no it’s— he has that kind of a strong jaw, a slightly square-ish jaw, beautifully-trimmed goatee—

Dixie:  There you go.

Lila:  Warm eyes… Just— for me it drips sex. That kind of, that kind of face.

Dixie:  Okay, So: 19th Century love letters. I just wanted to be able to see the character.

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[14:43]  Lila on a series of firsts in one Maine weekend: first time up in a tiny plane, first time doing acid, first time having sex outside, first double penetration experience of any kind.

[15:03]

Lila:  So, we’re outside, we’re on a hilltop — but maybe it’s double penetration that— so Kenneth, recently was like, “You know double penetration can be a finger and a cock, right?” And I was like, “I didn’t know that!” So that’s what it was, actually. So we were up on this hilltop, overlooking this lake, and, he’s, fucking me from behind … and he, actually, enters a finger inside me and I’m surprised that I enjoy it. It’s a little, like, it’s a little, too much, but then when he takes it away I miss it, so, (chuckles) and then, there were all these mosquitos about, so it was really, (swatting noises) he was like, swatting mosquitoes every thrust.

Dixie:  Is the finger in your ass?

Lila:  Yeah.

Dixie:  Okay, well you said, a finger was added and it’s, sometimes, possible to get more— I’m just asking which orifice—

Lila:  (overlapping) Oh it was jus— yeah, yeah a finger, just, just the one.

Dixie:  A finger. In the ass. Got it.

Lila:  Just the one finger. Yeah.

Dixie:  ‘Cause double penetration can be two in the same hole.

Lila:  Oh, it’s sort of like, biweekly— (laughs) where it can be twice a week or every other week. (both laugh) Or bimonthly. Wow.

 

double penetration (verb) = the sexual act of either a) filling two of the orifices on one person simultaneously (such as the vagina and the anus, with, for instance, two penises — the most common use of the term) OR b) filling one orifice with two objects (such as a penis and a dildo, a penis and a finger, two penises, etc.)

 

[18:10]  Lila on sharing such an incredibly personal story about sex and unrequited love, with her mailing list (which used to be comprised of entirely yoga students).

Lila:  And so, I write that story, and I send it out to my yoga students, and I had never shared anything with them about sex— oh my God, I didn’t even t— I’m terrible at telling this story, Dixie, because I didn’t even tell you this piece of it! Which is that he’s the first person that I have unprotected sex with, and I have unprotected sex with him, because I think he’s gonna fall in love with me—

Dixie:  Wow.

Lila:  — because I do. I’m twenty … six or something.

Dixie:  Yeah, that’s— isn’t it funny how the part that you forget to tell is always the most important?

Lila:  Oh my God. So I share this with my yoga students, and I told you I’d been getting a response each week. And that week I get 25 responses.

Dixie:  Yeah.

Lila:  And I went, “Holy shit.”

Dixie:  Yeah, I felt the same thing when you said that, I’m like, “Oh my God.” So… We get that. We know what that feels like. Whether we’ve done it or not, we know that impulse.

Lila:  Yeah, to t— chase after the one— you know, and, and I kept having that song play in my head, “Everybody’s Somebody’s Fool.” (Dixie mmhm’s softly) “Everybody’s somebody’s plaything / and there is no exception to the rule / everybody’s somebody’s fool.” I was like, “Oh my God, I really was … his … fool.” (chuckles) Yeah, and so many people said, “Oh my God, I’ve had a similar story. And so, that, when I wrote to them again, after a year of break and and starting to create this podcast, I said, “This podcast is that email, writ large.”

Dixie:  Yeah. That’s a beautiful story. People respond to stories, if you’re willing to open up and share them. Laying in bed next to— someone is a great way to tell stories to each other, too. Congratulations on being brilliant. (Lila sputter-laughs)

Lila:  Gee!

Dixie:  It is! It’s super-comfortable, and it’s also, a very inviting format. And I’m enjoying the hell out of it right now.

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[20:26]  Dixie tells Lila a story that she tells a lot, but tells it a different way: the true way.

[20:50 – 38:43]

Dixie:  So I used to like to create really crazy Craigslist ads. And I loved the format of Craigslist— I loved that there was a blank headline, and a body, and I could put anything I wanted, any headline I wanted. I didn’t have to fill out a form, like I did on okcupid. I didn’t have to like, sit there and answer a question, it’s like: You can have anything you want right now. So I’d always look at that blank screen and go, “What do I want today?” I had had a friend. My friend’s name was Greg. And he was in his 40s. And he had gotten a prescription for Viagra. And we’re sittin’ at a bar one day, and he says, “These are for you,” and he hands me two Viagra— double diamonds, which is a double dose, with a s— line down the middle, to cut ‘em in half. And he says, “I want one story for each pill.” And then I said, “Okay!” (Lila laughs) So these pills are burning a hole in my pocket, and I’m like, “I’m gonna write a Craigslist ad.” So, this ah— the headline was something like:

 

BBW (Big Beautiful Woman) Seeks to be on the Receiving End of the Viagra

 

A friend gave me, gave me a pill and he wants a story, and I’d kinda like to know what Viagra is like. So, if you’re into um, zaftig redheads, and you wanna conduct a little experiment with me, you should respond. And, I get a response. And this, this man, in the picture is beautiful. He’s Latin; he’s got caramel-colored eyes, he’s got short-cropped hair— I really like the visuals. The ad had also said, “You better send a picture of your dick.” (Lila giggles) And there’s a reason I ask for a picture of a dick. It’s not ‘cause I particularly wanna see your dick! The dick’s a great equalizer. You know. People are a lot more willing to be vulnerable if they’ve sent something that personal out. If they send it willingly. If they send you an unsolicited dick pic, then they’re just kinda like, they feel powerful. If you make ‘em give you a dick pic, they’re kinda like, “Huh.” (Lila giggles) So this guy, his name’s Derek, he responds, you know, I said, “Well, you know, you’re— I really like your picture.” I’d sent him a picture. “I really like your picture, Dixie.” And I’m like, “Well, uh, where’s your dick pic?” And he’s like, “I’m not the kind of person who sends out dick pics!” And I’m like, “Well that’s a shame, ‘cause you’re winning right now. But you’ve gotta follow the criteria, of the ad.” About a minute later, I get a response, he says “Well guess what, I am now the sort of person who sends out” (Lila giggles) “pictures of their dick.” Dick was even better than the face pic, if that’s possible. It was massive and beautiful, and, I was like, “Damn!” And so, we decide we’re gonna get together.

I often hook up at Christmas. My family’s all the way across, the country, so, while everybody else is celebrating with their family, I’m out creating a story. (Lila hm’s) So, we’re doing this exchange Christmas Eve morning. And I have a plan for Christmas. If it works, we’ll get together on Christmas Eve, we will have an adventure together, wake up on Christmas Day. You know. That’s a special requirement— you pretty much better not have a family to go home to. (Lila mmhm’s) And um, so I’d done my research. He and I start exchanging pictures; he tells me he has some friend things to do on Christmas Eve and we’ll get together later. And I do some research and I say, “Okay! So here’s the thing: We’re gonna get together in a public space, ‘cause I don’t know you. We are gonna get together at Knuckles Sports Bar on Fisherman’s Wharf. It is attached to the Fisherman’s Wharf Hilton. I have called the Fisherman’s Wharf Hilton, and there is one room left. So. We’re gonna go to the bar. It’s gonna close early f— ‘cause it’s Christmas Eve. If we hit it off; maybe that one room will still be available. He agrees. He calls me like at 6, after he’s through with his plans, I say, “Well, we better get on it, ‘cause the bar’s gonna close early for Christmas Eve.” He beats me there and when I walk in, the look on his face, when he sees me walk through the door. He’s just grinning ear to ear. (Lila mm’s) This gorgeous man grinning ear to ear. And I sit down next to him at the bar. And our shoulders touch. And it’s electric. And, the bartender, takes my drink order. Derek orders a drink. The two of us sit there, talking, kind of facing the mirror, lookin’ at each other in the mirror behind the bar, talkin’ to each other. Kind of afraid to look at each other. ‘Cause just that shoulder touch, was enough for us to go, “Holy shit!” Bartender asks if we want a second drink, I order a second drink, Derek puts his hand over the top of his drink, I’m like, “You’re not gon’ have another drink?” and he goes, “Oh no.” And I’m like, “Uh oh…” (Lila titters) “I’m gonna get it.” (Lila giggles) Bartender says, “The place is closin’ in ten minutes,” and we’re still sittin’ there lookin’ in the mirror, shoulders touchin’. I’m finishing up my drink and um, then I say, “Well. How do we feel about this?” And he says, “I feel like it’s goin’ really well, don’t you?” and I’m like, “Yeah, I kind of feel like it’s goin’ really well. Huh. But the bar’s closin’. I wonder what we’re gonna do. I wonder if that room is still available, next door in the Fisherman’s Wharf Hilton.” And he goes, “It’s not.” (little gasp from Lila) And I’m like, “It’s not?” And I’m very disappointed. And he goes, “No.” And I’m like, “Well how do you know?” And he says, “‘Cause I booked it!” (Lila giggles) And I said, “Why’d you book it? You didn’t, hadn’t even met me in person yet! How did you know that we were gonna hit it off?” He said, “I had a pretty good feeling we were gonna hit it off.” (Lila giggles) “And if we didn’t hit it off, then I was gonna spend the night alone in the Fisherman’s Wharf Hilton.” And I like that sense of adventure. (Lila mmhm’s enthusiastically) So we go get in line, to get our key card, to check into the hotel. There is a Russian family on Christmas Eve, checking in and they wanna ask every single question. (Lila guffaws) “Where is this Koi Tower?” and, uh, “Tell us about the Transamerica Pyramid; what year was it built?” And he and I can’t touch each other. ‘Cause just the shoulders had made us go, “I’m gon’ explode if I touch this person.” So we’re havin’ to stand there, dancin’ from foot to foot, next to each other, going, “Oh my God, get out of the fuckin’ way, let us get into our room!” We get the key card; we get in the elevator. We attack each other in the elevator. It’s everything we thought it was gonna be… And um, we get the key card in the room, and as soon as we get in the room, we start attacking each other. And it’s the kind of attacking that is not, it’s kind of like, “You have to let me have that thing, like, giveittome, giveittome,” (Lila laughs) “giveittome giveittome.” He’s tryin’ to go down on me and I’m tryin’ to go down on him. And we’re clawing at each other’s crotches, you know, like grrr, nnn!” (Dixie growls) “I wanna suck that dick” and he’s like, “No!” and I’m like, “Give it to me!” (Lila giggles) And I lose, and he goes down on me. Hooray!

Lila:  “Lose.”

Dixie:  Yay for losing! (both laugh) And uh, so we fall back onto the king-sized bed and we’re attacking each other and, there’s this thing that, that always happens. While we’re sittin’ at the bar, he had said, “You know that Viagra? I’m not gon’ need that Viagra.” (Lila gasps) “‘Cause I’m super attracted to you.” And I’m like, “Well that’s okay. I got it with me anyway.” And I used to — because I went to a lot of sex parties — I had this kit. This substantial kit of condoms, some lube and dental dams and, I had taken that double hit of Viagra. I had a little ziploc snack bag. One of ‘em was cut in half, and one of ‘em was a whole one. An’ they were right there, visible on the outside of my kit. So we were layin’ back on the bed, and, he’s gone down on me, I’ve come, he’s come back up, we’re startin’ to fuck and, and at a certain point he just kinda starts losin’ his hard-on. And he goes, like, he doesn’t have much experience with hookin’ up and he’s just like, “You know what I just realized, I don’t really know you very well; my dick just realized I don’t know you very well and, I’m just, I don’t know, I kinda lost in for a minute,” I’m like, “You would not believe how often that happens.” It’s like, we attack each other and then you’re like, “Oh, my dick just realized, uh, we didn’t give a proper hello or somethin’.” So it— it was something that happened from time to time. So he goes, “I can’t believe I’m askin’ for it, but, do you have that Viagra?” And I’m like, “Oh yeah, of course, it’s right there in the kit. Just grab it. I’m gon’ go to the bathroom.” I go to the bathroom—

Lila:  Uhoh.

Dixie:  And I come back. Uh oh! (both giggle) I go to the bathroom and when I come back, the water glass is empty. And I go, “Did you already take it?” And he goes, “Yeah.” And I go, “Did you take the big pill or did you take the one that was cut in half?” And he said, “Well I took the big pill,” and I’m like, “That was a double dose!”

Lila:  (through her laughter) Oh no!

Dixie:  And he’s like, “Oh shit!” Should I make myself throw up? And I’m like, “Oh no! No!” It’s a better story if you don’t. So… the part I don’t usually tell about this story— is when we were gettin’ a feel for each other on the phone an’ we were having phone sex, there were certain things that he responded really well to. And, one of them— he was definitely attracted to older women. He was much younger than me. He was definitely attracted to, uh, larger women, and at a certain point during, we’ll call it phone sex, he had, uh, been very turned on by the idea of cream pies… (You know what cream pies are, right?)

Lila:  Mmm, I f— wait, wait—

Dixie:  Not banana cream—

Lila:  I forget.

Dixie:  Not coconut cream! (giggles)

Lila:  So that… oh! Oh! Now I remember! Okay!

Dixie:  What is it?

Lila:  (overlapping) Because I did my research because I listened to, to so many of your podcasts! (Dixie giggles) So it’s— so it’s when the come oozes back out of the vagina, right?

 

cream pies (noun) = a sexual act involving barrier-free ejaculation into an orifice (often, a vagina or anus). In pornography, often signaled by ejaculate oozing out in a creamy fashion.

 

Dixie:  That’s close. Really, it’s essentially bareback sex, and there’s actually come in it. They like to make it visual in porn, by havin’ it leak out, but it’s, coming inside somebody, unprotected.

Lila:  Okay. Okay.

Dixie:  That’s—

Lila:  If you, had to— ooze out to be, to be creammm pie.

Dixie:  That’s how, that’s what they make it— that’s what they make you believe!

Lila:  Okay. Okay.

Dixie:  (under her breath) Damn them! (regular voice) So it’s just, it’s droppin’ a load in somebody is really what it is, that’s a cream pie.

Lila:  Mmhm, mmhm.

Dixie:  So, we resume fucking. He now has a lot of Viagra in him. And, at a certain point in the fucking, he comes, we’re gonna take a little break, and when he grabs the base of the condom and goes to pull it out, he goes, “Uhoh!” And I’m like, “What happened?” And on his giant dick, was, what looked like an exploding cigar from the cartoons, when you’re a kid, it’s just like,” (explosion noise) “where the end of it’s blown out!”

Lila:  (softly laughing) No!

---

Dixie:  And come is leakin’ out of it. And uh, and he goes, “We had a little accident.” And I’m like, “FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK!” … And he goes, “Look look look, I’m really sorry I’m really sorry. Look, it wasn’t a plan, it just happened but I just want to tell you, that— you have no reason to believe this, but, even though I’m in my 20s, I’ve known I never wanted to have kids. I’ve had a vasectomy; you’re not gonna get pregnant. I just got tested for STD’s three weeks ago. I’m totally clean. So— this is awful, but that part is taken care of. So we don’t have to worry about that.” And he’s apologizing profusely while this is goin’ on. He’s curled up around me, just tryin’ to calm me down. And my brain is just tryin’ to make the best of the situation. And I’m like— He finally stops apologizing and he’s like, “Are you okay?” And I’m like, “Well there ain’t anything we can do about it right now. It’s done. And I seem to remember that you were very interested in cream pies, is that correct?” And he’s like, “What?!” And I’m like, “Believe me, you are never gon’ get this chance again! But! You better get down there and clean up your mess.” Because that’s a big part of cream pies, is cleaning up your own mess.

Lila:  (huuuge inhale, breathy) Ohhhhhhhh!

Dixie:  So he, went to town, cleaning up everything he had deposited inside me. Which is kind of a great mindfuck— you know, you’re just sittin’ there going—

Lila:  Whoaaa. (very quietly) Whoa!

Dixie:  And uh. And then we put on a fresh condom. Checked it carefully, and continued to fuck. For eighteen hours.

[Listen to the episode for the rest of the story, including a Christmas Day moment when they run out of…]

[38:21]

Dixie:  It’s crazy the chemistry we have. In fact, we have to stay on the opposite side of the bay from each other.

[39:01]  Dixie tells Lila the story of how she met her husband.

Dixie:  Oh my God, my anniversary’s next week! Yeah, okay… Craigslist, of course.

Lila:  Really!?

Dixie:  I never posted in Women Seeking Men, I always posted in Casual Encounters. It’s yet another part of that: I didn’t think I deserved love, and it felt like Women Seeking Men was looking for love.

Lila:  Mm. Mmhm.

Dixie:  So I posted in Casual Encounters— I used to teach classes on hooking up on Craigslist. And I had lots of rules in my head about how that worked. And when I would tell— talk about the different kinds of ads that people respond to, I would always say, “The most popular type of ad to get responses to — genuine responses, not copy-and-paste responses — is the rant. Everybody’s pissed off on a, on a dating site. They’re all unhappy! (Lila laughs) So I had posted an ad that said,

 

Why is it so fucking hard to find a fuckbuddy in this goddamn town?

 

All I’m expecting is, that you show up when you’re supposed to, that you care about your partner’s pleasure, you’ve gotta be reliable, we’ve gotta be attracted to each other, and uh, I was basically bitching about how hard it is to find a reliable fuckbuddy.

Lila:  (emphatically) MmHMM!

[41:22]

Dixie:  When I hook up with somebody there is a criteria. It was always like, we are gonna start with this in email, and then we’re gonna move to texting, and then you better pick up the fucking phone and have a conversation with me, ‘cause you could be a serial killer and text. But I can tell fr— I’m a voice person. I can tell whether I’m gonna be attracted to you when I talk to you.

[47:18]  What is a Fistaversary?

Dixie:  We start talkin’ about things we’ve seen and always wanted to do sexually and, he says, “You know something I’ve seen that I’d just love to see firsthand?” And I’m like, “What’s that?” and he goes, “A woman being fisted. It’s just so hot in porn,” and I’m like, “Goddammit!” And he’s like, “What?” And I’m like, “If you tell me that you’ve never done something, and I have the capacity to do it, then I kinda feel like I haveta do it. So you cannot fuck me…” But I let him fist me. And so we refer to our anniversary as the “Fistaversary” every year. I didn’t have sex with him for another month to six weeks. But he did fist me on the first date! (both laugh) And next week we celebrate 8 years.

[48:20]  Dixie tells Lila the tale of her big crazy celebration wedding.

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