This is Zed in his natural habitat.
http://directory.libsyn.com/episode/index/id/5863719
Zed: And something I actually got yesterday on uh, the way to my sister’s Sweet 16 is: uuhhh. Even with all this growth — and thank you for saying that — even with all this growth, how much I’m still holding on, how much anger I’m still holding on to and how I have not forgiven my parents. It’s been very piecemeal. And I, I was supposed to be at my Dad’s at a certain time for the photographer and everything else, for the Sweet 16, and … (big breath, voice breaking) and I just couldn’t get myself motivated to go … And I’m trying to think in the car, why, why do I do this every time, why do I avoid family functions? And then I got, then, even though I pretend I’ve forgiven, you know, my mom for her trespasses, my father for his trespasses, and what they did in combination, I, I haven’t, I’ve held on to— you know, the, the big ones. The alcoholism, the divorce, the, you know, whatever, other dysfunctions, and I got yesterday that I’m still holding it. (voice wavering, breaks into a sob) … and I’m on the L.I.E. and I’m driving and then I, I got it, I got it, I was still holding it against them and I started like just bawling while I’m driving on the highway. And then, you know, realizing this huge, huge blindspot, that I was pretending to— forgive them. That I actually didn’t. (big breath) And then. (sigh) I was trying to justify it. Nnn— you know. And then (voice breaking) what I really got was to forgive myself for not forgiving them. (both crying) And then that was just such a release. Then I had the best time. And I got to be generous with my family … in a way that I haven’t in a really long time. (sighs) And I got to be really present in the love and I had one of the most auth— I had such a great conversation with my youngest sister, she’s twelve, and I got to talk about love and relationships with her because I didn’t feel guarded anymore, I didn’t feel I had to withhold my love for the fear of getting hurt and they, y’know, that— I know my Dad wanted so much for me to be there and connect and all this stuff, but it’s because he wanted it that I withheld it ‘cause it’s the thing he wanted the most, and I withheld it ‘cause I was still bitter and unforgiving of what transpired in my childhood.
Lila: Did he keep you from things that you wanted the most in your childhood?
Zed: It was … in breaking our home.
Lila: Mmhm. (cries)
*
Zed: How could I withhold from them? (sobbing) I love them so much …
Lila: I know you do.
Zed: … And I told my Dad what I had discovered, and he seemed— he’d had a few drinks, so he was immediately like trying to fix it, and I just had to remind him, in his slightly intoxicated state, that there’s nothing for him to fix, and this is something I’m now aware of, and everytime it comes up, I know where the point of reference is and I can choose (voice breaking) my family. I can choose love. […] I can choose them. And not … this negative state, this withholding, this guardedness. I can choose out of that, every time, I want to.
Lila: You have the capability to make a different choice. And the awareness makes the choice possible.
In (the second part of) this episode, I lie down with my housemate Zed.
We’ve been roommates, living on the same floor at Hacienda Villa, the sex-positive intentional community, for a little over three years. Zed is a sound engineer who works mainly on glorious big-budget musicals. Our inner theatre kids geek out together.
Our relationship has been fraught in the past, especially during the early months of living together, which we share about in this half of the episode, but we’ve grown to love each other and turn to one another for support— like the night a few months back, when I came home in abject tears after a Circling event and he held space while I raged and cried it out.
Without Zed’s generosity, this podcast would probably not exist, as, up until right before my horizontal does america tour, I was borrowing my sound equipment from him.
To record with me was a great act of bravery on his part, and I hope you feel it, and honor him for it.
In the first part of our episode, titled “poly cocktails: horizontal with my hacienda housemate,” we talk about the sex table, the “poly” house, outsiderness, and being a sex-positive germophobe.
In this second part of this episode, I read Zed one of the hardest letters I’ve ever written— a letter that I wrote to him, and read aloud to him on our rooftop just about one year ago, even though I felt scared and anxious to do so. We also speak of family matters, and he tells me a story I’ll call The Great Threesome Tragedy.
Lie down with us, for the last episode of Season One.
Links to Things:
The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie, a book Lila was using as part of her morning meditation practice.
Tao Te Ching by Lao Tzu, the book of Taoist wisdom Lila did not realize she was paraphrasing.
Burning Man, a giant art project / pop-up city in the desert.
Zed, shot by Omorphy Photos
Show Notes (feel free to share quotes/resources on social media, and please link to iTunes, this website, or my Patreon!):
iTunes link: https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/horizontal-with-lila/id1238031115&ls=1
website link: https://horizontalwithlila.com/
Patreon link: https://www.patreon.com/horizontalwithlila
[4:02] Lila asks Zed if she can read the hardest letter.
[4:34] “I also wanted to say before I read it, that aside from your frustration in the meeting a few weeks ago, which I felt a little bit vughhuhh … affected by, since we had this conversation, our relationship has been really beautiful and I feel really grateful, because I feel like you’ve made an effort, and I’ve made an effort, and it’s co-created something that feels … really supportive and really good to live in, that for a while it wasn’t so. It wasn’t that way. And I feel grateful to both of us for being willing to— willing to communicate about it, willing to do the work. And even when I was annoyed with you, and even when I was angry at you, I could always say about you that you were willing to … address conflict, that you were willing to address the problems. And as a person who often avoids conflict, I have often been very scared of anger, specifically, and of hurting people’s feelings as well. I admire that in you, that you have always been willing to sit down and hash things out, no matter what.” – Lila
[6:09] This letter is dated September 16th, 2016.
Dear Zed,
In the two years that I’ve lived with you, I’ve witnessed you in conflict with several women— your partners, and your mother, and I’ve been in direct conflict with you myself. I’ve overheard phone conversations and fights that occurred in your room or in the common space at a high volume. Both in my witnessing, and in my direct contact with you in conflict, I’ve experienced you as emotionally violent, harsh, brusque, dismissive, and domineering. I hear you say words — you have the vocabulary to indicate that you want to compromise, but I don’t feel compassion or warmth from you in those moments. I don’t feel from you a genuine desire to understand and take into account the other’s feelings, that a deep compromise requires.
In conflict, I experience you as domineering, and so insistent that your own viewpoint is correct, that it doesn’t seem you are really listening to the other person. For me this feels very rigid. My response to experiencing you in that way is that I make the decision that I’d rather avoid speaking to you about anything we disagree on, because I don’t want to fight, and whenever we disagree, it feels to me like a fight. I feel protective and defensive and contracted in my heart when I hear you talk to the women in your life. I experience on a regular basis the way you talk to them — and me — as condescending, dismissive, and in the instances which you are upset, I experience the way you talk to them and me and harsh and sharp. The exceptions I notice are when you are first falling in love, courting a woman, and when you are feeling hurt and willing to be vulnerable. In those instances I hear you speaking kindly, and more softly.
My story about you is that your treatment of women borders on the emotionally abusive, and stems from abuse that you suffered as a young boy. I have so much compassion for that young boy, but I feel ill when I hear you yell at your partner, or I sense that you might raise your voice at me. When I believe this story about you, that you are emotionally abusive towards women, I have the desire to be distant from you, and never to share with you my special self, when I am vulnerable and tender. I have been feeling very vulnerable and tender lately, and I believe that this desire to be distant is the cause of the aloofness you feel from me. This is something I have felt for a very long time, since we had that first conflict, shortly after you moved in, over the boxes in the living room. And thereafter, when you began fighting with your partner.
I’ve been afraid to tell you, because I fear that you may not be willing to listen and the effort it takes to tell you this will have been wasted, or that you will listen but become furious with me for being the person willing to speak this to you. What I hope to gain from sharing this with you is an entrypoint into a roommate relationship that feels safe and healthy and one in which I can express to you in the moment, or, very close to the moment, your impact on me— trusting that you will receive my sharing with compassion and make the choice to respond from the soft, loving parts of you.
With Love,
Lila
[11:01] What happened the most recent time that Zed raised his voice in a meeting?
[11:36] “That … huhh! —that letter just— still strikes a very very … deep part of me, how you were able to see the hurt child lashing out— being … and that’s how I would protect myself from what I considered eminent hurt. And, you know, a lot of that has to do with my mom. Obviously.” – Zed
[12:26] Zed’s realization on the way to his sister’s Sweet 16 party.
[16:46] Making amends as a codependent person. (The first person to make amends to is yourself.)
[18:08] On making choices to reinforce our narratives of unworthiness.
[20:09] Zed wonders how he could withhold his love from his family.
[23:04] Zed’s sunrise meditations. Lila’s morning routine (on her best days).
[24:17] The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie, a book that Lila was using as part of her morning meditation practice.
[24:48] The Buddhist saying Lila was paraphrasing is actually from the Tao Te Ching, by Lao-Tzu.
15
The ancient Masters were profound and subtle.
Their wisdom was unfathomable.
There is no way to describe it;
all we can describe is their appearance.
They were careful
as someone crossing an iced-over stream.
Alert as a warrior in enemy territory.
Courteous as a guest.
Fluid as melting ice.
Shapable as a block of wood.
Receptive as a valley.
Clear as a glass of water.
Do you have the patience to wait
till your mud settles and the water is clear?
Can you remain unmoving
till the right action arises by itself?
The Master doesn’t seek fulfillment.
Not seeking, not expecting,
she is present, and can welcome all things.
[25:25] Zed thinks Lila would love many aspects of Burning Man.
[26:13] “You’re surviving a giant art project in the middle of the desert.” – Zed
[26:30] Zed tells Lila a story about a great threesome tragedy.
[29:13] Lila coins a word.
unicorn-tunity (noun) = a portmanteau word, comprised of “unicorn” and “opportunity,” denoting the chance to have sex with a couple
http://directory.libsyn.com/episode/index/id/5863719
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