Lila & Alexa on Frenchman Street in NOLA. horizontal does america tour, November 2018
Alexa, aka The Violet Butterfly [links in purple to honor her purpleness] curates a community of the curious on Facebook.
It’s called The Kaleidoscope.
That’s because a Kaleidoscope is a group of butterflies.
Did you know that?
It reminds me.
In the vein of: a pride of lions, a school of fish, and a kaleidoscope of butterflies, a group of my housemates, or, Villans is called, drumroll, please …..
A mischief of Villans.
Isn’t that great? My former roommate Josef came up with it. Sigh! Thank you, Josef, for your contribution.
mischief (noun) = a group of Villans (humans who live at the Hacienda Villa intentional community), so named in the style of: a gaggle of geese, a pride of lions, or a kaleidoscope of butterflies — a mischief of Villans.
The rest of the horizontal glossary is pretty great, too. And expanding every episode. I’d bookmark it, if I were you!
Back to the Kaleidoscope.
They have deep, involved conversations about sexuality, affection, romance, kink, BDSM, and unconventional relationship styles. It is one of the kindest, most engaged groups I have seen on social media anywhere.
That’s because Alexa reminds them regularly to be kind.
She believes that we learn better, open more, dig deeper, when we are kind.
You know I agree with her.
She decided to do this interview together because she was inspired by a post in the Kaleidoscope.
Someone’s friend had gone to a sex party. People were using drugs. Copious drugs. They were uncomfortable. It seems as though there may have been consent violations. This may or may not have had to do with said drugs.
So this Kaleidoscope member, having heard from their friend about the druggy-ness, was thinking they they probably didn’t want to go to a play party at all, if that’s what they are like! (Frankly, if that’s what they all were like, I wouldn’t go either!)
Since Alexa had attended a play party thrown by a mischief of Villans when she visited New York in September 2017, and participated in the orientation (which all newcomers are required to attend) that I co-lead with Mirelle, she knows we have lots of guidelines in place around consent.
And Guardians. Guardians, too.
I’m not sure if I mentioned it in this conversation, but we designate several experienced play party goers to generally assist people at each party. They wear armbands that clearly delineate their position as Guardians.
Literally. The armband says: GUARDIAN.
Every guest is empowered to go to a Guardian at any time if they have an issue, feel uncomfortable, lonely, in need support, or desirous of guidance.
Guardians are key.
***
Here’s what she Alexa to her butterflies in the group before our conversation:
“Ever questioned what REALLY goes down at a SEX PARTY?!
What’s up with consent if everyone is fucking?
Is there any safety precautions?
What’s the deal with the horny that congregate?!
I’m going to hop on FB live with my gorgeous unicorn of a friend and member of The Kaleidoscope Lila Donnolo for an inside chat about what it’s like to host and live where sex parties happen on the regular!”
***
So this is the premise from which we began our conversation.
We discussed:
- the Hacienda Villa Rainbows & Unicorns play party
- my rainbow unicorn suspension bondage performance
- sex party orientation
- sex-free spaces (cuddle zones) at a play party
- how to say yes (enthusiastically)
- how to say no (clearly)
- how to take a no (gracefully)
- how to enjoy voyeurism at a play party (respectfully)
- the in-condom (aka the “female condom”)
- why use mouthwash instead of brushing your teeth before and during the party
- nitrile gloves
- more sober, more safe, more fun
- Hacienda rules (including “no open hard drug use”)
- the intentions, boundaries, and desires exercise that’s crucial for people attending a play party together (and just a good idea to do for oneself, for that matter)
We’re not lying down, but … somehow I think you’ll still enjoy it!
What really happens at a SEX PARTY?
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