horizontal with lila

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Lila Donnolo is available as your intimacy maven for:

  • interviews
  • articles
  • video segments
  • podcasts
  • panels
  • speaking engagements
  • blogs
  • talk shows

As a founding member of Hacienda Villa (Bushwick’s sex-positive intentional community), an intimacy expert, empowered lover, podcaster, and a Brooklyn / NYC-based woman, she can comment on topics related to…

sex [e.g. sexual positions, safer sex, sex toys, how to touch, post-sex intimacy, the sex between the sex]

love [e.g. types of love, how to open up to intimacy, love languages, cuddling & non-sexual touch, etc.]

relationships [e.g. communication practices, circling, friendship, trust, crucial conversations]

yoga [e.g. yoga poses, yoga practice, meditation, teaching yoga, self-care, yoga for better sex & intimacy]

movement [e.g. Argentine tango, capoeira, blues dancing, contact improv]

theatre [e.g. immersive theatre, public speaking, street theatre, performance anxiety, improvisation]

brooklyn / nyc life [e.g. brooklyn’s sex-positive culture, the resurgence of intentional communities, dating & sex in the city, co-working, chosen family]

 

horizontal with lila

An intimate, thoughtful, often funny sex podcast hosted by Lila and recorded entirely while lying down. Sometimes guests lie down with her to discuss domination, Shibari, and evolutionary biology in what Lila calls “consensual eavesdropping.” It’s sexy and poetic and eye-opening.

Illustration of the article, “You Call It a Sex House,” by Rosena Fung.

We believe sex is essentially good. We celebrate it. Sex is normal! Sex is healthy! Sex is an appropriate topic of conversation! Sex-positive means no slut shaming (and, in fact, no shaming of any kind). There are so many reasons why one might choose to engage in sexual play – friendship, bonding, romantic love, recreation, intimacy, healing, intrigue, work, performance – and when chosen deliberately in sound mind, they are all equally valid.

Living here is a balm for the deep shame and secrecy I’ve experienced surrounding sex in our culture. Since sex isn’t taboo at Hacienda Villa, nothing is. We can talk about politics. We can talk about love. We can talk about death. We can get spanked at 11 a.m. on a Tuesday and then breeze into the kitchen saying, ‘Good morning!’ In that way, it is wilder than your average apartment, but that’s only because we’re not keeping our kinks secret. We want everyone here to have a great sex life—and for us, that begins right here at home.

 

When you’re hooking up with a new partner or exploring a new dimension of your desires, what you want and what you think you want isn’t always so black and white.

Sexual health influencer and host of the “Horizontal with Lila” podcast, Lila Donnolo, suggests thinking in primary colors instead.

“[The game] Stoplight is derived from the kink community’s practice of safe words. In many kink environments, saying ‘Yellow’ signifies slow down or back off, and ‘Red’ signals a hard stop,” explains Donnolo.

According to Donnolo, the rules work like this:

Have your partner lie down on a comfortable surface, and invite them to express any physical or emotional boundaries they might have.

“For instance, the other day I said that the inside of my mouth, ears, and nose were off-limits, that I did not want any hard impact, and to stay away from my belly,” she says.

Now experiment with the quality, speed, intensity, and location of your touch, moving from body part to body part based on your partner’s previously discussed limits and their responses throughout the game.

“Try things you’ve never done before. Explore with other body parts than hands,” she suggests. “How can you touch your partner with your hair? Your buttocks? Your nipples only? Repeat each individual touch until your partner responds with a Green, Yellow, or Red. Of course, if you get a very enthusiastic Green, you may wish to continue for a while.”

The most important part, according to Donnolo, is to pay special attention to the “Yellow” responses. Use these reactions as an opportunity to learn and better understand what turns on or even triggers your partner.

“When a yellow arises,” she explains, “ask your partner whether the resistance is physical: it’s uncomfortable, or too much pressure, or not the optimal spot for this type of touch; emotional: a hand around their throat, for instance, could bring up feelings, or mental/social: ‘what would so-and-so think’, ‘good guys don’t do this’, etc.”

Donnolo points out that a “Yellow” or “Red” response isn’t necessarily personal, but instead a good starting point to create a trusting relationship — one that could segue into an intense connection.

“If the Yellow is emotional, use this as an opportunity to dive deeper with your partner into the source of the resistance,” she explains. “Maybe they need to build more trust before indulging in that sort of touch. Maybe they need you to know about a trauma they’ve experienced before sharing that part of their body with you. You can ask them if there’s anything you could alter in what you are doing that would turn that Yellow into a Green. There might be.”

As the game comes to a close, think like a kinkster. Use what you’ve learned to show respect and understanding for your partner, which can only bring you closer and more sexually in-tune.

“Do more research. Try to find at least a few Yellows or Reds. And then switch,” says Donnolo. “You can time your turns — say, 10 minutes each — or simply continue until the time feels right. Formally close the game by concluding with a long, still hug and synchronized breathing, for grounding purposes.”

 

Kenneth Play and Lila Donnolo (and Tiny, the teddy bear), The Real People of Brooklyn’s Sex-Positive Group House

“The residents range from a PhD data scientist to a virtual reality programmer to a yoga teacher, Lila Donnolo, who has been there since the start. She also handles PR and community outreach and recently launched a podcast about sex positive culture. Donnolo, who is 34, tall and slender with red hair, says the Villa is the type of home she’d been seeking for a long time. ‘Everywhere I’ve gone, I’ve been looking for community,’ she says, adding that her somewhat fractured family had much to do with this quest, ‘and every activity I’ve done, I’ve looked around and said, ‘is it here? Can I get that family feeling here?’’ She got a little taste of it with communities she was part of through tango, Acroyoga and theater, and also checked out a few intentional communities: the Hostel in the Forest, in Georgia, and Tryon Life Community Farm, in Portland. ‘But I didn’t think it was possible in New York,’ she says.

Then she met Feingold, who was renting out the rooms. She needed a place to live, but thought she wouldn’t qualify since she is monogamous – one of three now residing at the Villa – but he explained that, as long as she was O.K. with the sex positive lifestyle, that would be fine. ‘I told him, “no problem, because I was raised to be sex positive,” but I just didn’t know the term,’ she says.

She took one of the smaller rooms (rents range from $750 to $1,750) and made a cozy space with a loft bed and lots of cute effects, like little toy Army soldiers in yoga poses. She mentions with a tone of impatience the Villa’s sensationalized portrayal in the media, with headlines like the New York Post’s: “Brooklyn love shack gets makeover as swinger haven.” ‘Yes, we do have orgies here,’ she says, ‘but for ninety percent of the time we’re doing laundry, cooking, talking about our lives – what any housemates would do.’

‘The difference,’ she goes on, is that ‘there is no taboo, so we are able to talk about everything, which is one of the great benefits for me of living here. I also really like to walk around naked.’ (Alerts are issued through a house Slack channel when residents’ parents or children are present.) What some media accounts have missed about Hacienda Villa is that it’s primarily a community of like-minded people living together in a mostly ordinary domestic scenario.

Donnolo has availed herself to the communal hot tub, as well as the educational opportunities that come along in a steady stream. ‘I take a lot of the workshops and have learned so much,’ she says, ‘about my own sexuality, mechanics, toys. I get to go downstairs and have the best sex education available.'”

 

Illustration by Greta Samuel.

Lila Donnolo, founder of a sex-positive house in Brooklyn and host of the Horizontal With Lila podcast, was in a year-long relationship with a man whom she originally thought was more aligned with liberal beliefs. He was sexually open, and he was into meditation, crystals and reiki (which, it turned out, helped him cope as a recovering alcoholic). Like any couple, they had differences. Six years his senior, she does not want children whereas he does. She says that there were also concerns about how his rigidly conservative family might respond to her free-spirited nature, and they also had differing thoughts on kinkiness. He wanted to try some group play situations, whereas she felt they were not ready as a couple for that.

“We were together when Trump was elected,” recollects Donnolo, the daughter of a Brazilian immigrant, which contrasted with his wealthy white upbringing. “I was devastated. It’s the first time I can remember when I had woken up in the morning crying. I called him looking for support, and he was questioning me as to why I felt that way.” All she wanted was a hug and consolation, but he did not understand why she was upset because he felt that Trump and Clinton were not much different.

Donnolo reports that their split was ultimately propelled by his anger management issues, and she realized they were not compatible. Their political differences certainly widened their growing divide. “To me, most Republican politics are unconscionable,” says Donnolo. “So to have that person as my lover, I started to close up physically toward him after that. We [originally] had pretty hot sex, and by the time we broke up, I was almost not even kissing him. I basically shut down. He felt that I was not truly liberal because I didn’t respect viewpoints other than my own.” Donnolo says that he did not deceive her about his views. “I just never asked him because I assumed that he was like me,” she says.

 

“I only began to enjoy being a sex party participant in 2016. It was then that I got to know the residents of the Hacienda Villa: a sex-positive intentional community, headquartered in a sumptuous, gut-renovated townhouse in Brooklyn.

The Villa is an actual home for 15 sex-positive community members and a figurative one for anyone wanting to learn more about sex and sexuality. Here, people can attend workshops, talks, readings, and social events. It’s a place where you can attend a “PlayLab”, see advanced sex techniques being demonstrated by sex coach Kenneth Play and his assistant, then receive thoughtful and encouraging coaching when you give them a whirl with your partner or a game friend. Moreover, the Villa has also been the setting for some legendary sex parties during which its four floors, two outdoor spaces, hot tub, and cabana are bursting with naked people enjoying themselves and each other. It was at 220-people parties like these that I started to forget about needing an excuse to show up and actually lost myself in the experience.

At a certain point however, the community pivoted from devising, staging, and policing the roughly quarterly multi-level parties and focused instead on offering a range of “Sex Party in a Box” packages. Simply put, Hacienda provides the space and the infrastructure you’d need to throw your own, somewhat smaller sex party—the only thing they don’t provide are the guests. […]

Below are some of the less obvious things you may want to consider when striking out on your own and throwing a sex party.

Nitrile gloves

For Hacienda founding member Lila Donnolo, nitrile gloves are like having a fresh pair of hands when you need them. ‘Changing them between partners is not only good hygiene—it’s good etiquette,’ she says. ‘When your fingers are penetrating someone, you can give them peace of mind, since they can be certain that your hands are sterile.’ Donnolo says there’s an added bonus here if you like kinky doctor play, or have a rubber (and rubber-like substances) fetish. ‘Also, for those who get exhilarated by a little consensual fear-excitement, snapping the gloves at the wrist tends to make an excellent sound,’ she says.”

 

Villans in New York Mag’s Reasons to Love New York: 10th Edition

“A 32-year-old female housemate doesn’t identify as poly but was sold on the idea of a community where sex isn’t seen as taboo. ‘Nobody resents you if they hear you experiencing pleasure,’ she says.

‘We geek out over sex in the same way foodies geek out over what they eat,’ Kenneth explains, noting that it’s hard to find a roommate in New York who will put up with the noise, traffic, and unpredictability that may accompany a sexually adventurous lifestyle. It’s the anti–’smuggle your boyfriend into the bathroom, eat dinner in bed, angry notes left on empty milk cartons, tiny New York setup.’ But that doesn’t mean it’s a free-for-all. There are rules, including a ban on passive-aggressive sticky notes. And ‘Villa on Villa’ hookups are discouraged. ‘It’s like a work environment,’ he says. ‘Don’t sleep with your colleagues. Our personal sex lives are epic enough, anyway.'”

 

“Performing acrobatic stunts with a partner helps bring people closer together. In a story about AcroYoga, CBS suggested the workout was ‘better than couple’s therapy.’ […]

Plenty of scientific research supports the idea that partner-based workouts improve romantic relationships. When you and your partner mirror each other’s physical movements, you create ‘nonverbal mimicry,’ according to Psychology Today. Nonverbal mimicry ‘helps people feel emotionally attuned with one another, and those who experience or engage in it tend to report greater feelings of having ‘bonded’ with their partner,’ the article reads.

‘Connecting with another human, working hard to support them, trusting them — it creates this almost instant camaraderie,’ Donnolo told Mic. ‘That’s really beautiful.’

Donnolo has witnessed friendships form in acrobatics class. ‘You leave, and that connection continues,’ she told me. ‘You see them the next time, and you’re like, ‘Hi, I put you up in the air! I put you on my feet!’ […]

Donnolo recalled what it’s like watching full-grown adults do cartwheels across the workout studio. ‘People were just grinning from ear to ear, ecstatic,’ she said, adding that going upside-down makes people feel ‘slap-happy.’

‘So many adults have a fear of it,’ she said. ‘To break through that feeling of being afraid of something you used to love when you were a child, it’s cathartic. It’s revelatory for some people.’

 

Lila Donnolo & Lorenzo Rodriguez, Sweat It Out Together

“The couple that runs, stretches, poses and cycles together stays together, right? Whether it’s true or not, we believe it.

With Valentine’s day right around the corner, Crunch instructor Lila Donnolo curated a killer partner workout with moves from the  Acrobat’s Workout class at Crunch to help you sweat it out with your loved one. Single? That’s fine too, partner up with your best friend. Because Sunday may be for lovers, but it’s for best friends too.

Be sure to #HBFIT to share the love and tag your workout partner!”

 

Ujjayi breathing:

“Roughly translated from Hindi it means ‘victorious breath.’ This ancient form of breathing is most often associated with yoga, but once mastered, can be used for exercise efficiency and even stress management. Lila Donnolo, a yoga instructor in New York who teaches a variety of yoga styles, describes it: ‘You inhale deeply through the nose and blow out through the nose with a low hum. It’s a slight constriction in the back of the throat. It can sound like the ocean as heard through a seashell.’ She loves this breath for its versatility. ‘I do ujjayi breath when I go to the dentist because [the experience] is so uncomfortable to me. I’ve had a lot of marathon runners and dancers as students who said that the ujjayi breath helped in their training. I also find it really helpful to manage the space between trigger—or stimulus—and response.'”

 

At 1:04 in the video, Lila says: “Generally people think it’s an orgy all the time, and that we’re fucking each other, which we’re not— we’ve had a rule since the beginning — and that’s actually what encouraged me to move in, that we had a rule against sleeping with each other and I thought, ‘Oh my God, that will reduce so much drama, it’s not The Real World: Sex House.'”

Inside Brooklyn’s premier ‘sex house’ for polyamorous parties.

“They could risk losing their jobs or being disowned by their families if they were open about their lifestyle,” said Lila Donnolo, 34, who joined the house in 2014 and hosts a sex-and-relationship podcast, “Horizontal with Lila.” “A lot of people just can’t understand or accept this lifestyle.”