horizontal does america, beginning with this dock in Edgewater, NJ
Dear Ones, I’m writing this message from the mechanic’s.
Is that what you call it? The auto body shop? The body shop? The shop?
On day two of my solo cross-country journey, I lowered the rear windows for a burst of fresh air … and one of them wouldn’t go back up. Womp-womp! So as I type I am enjoying the free Wi-Fi and Firestone-tire ambience of the mechanic’s waiting room. In good news, being able to close the window will mean (aside from the vehicle looking less attractive to robber people) that I can hear all the podcasts I’ve been listening to without crouching over the steering wheel!
My wanderlust has been kicking in. For the past five years, I’ve wanted to be in the Southwest around my birthday (October 16th). One year I didn’t have the funds, another year I was performing, last year I had a boyfriend who curated a mini-retreat for me … and the Southwest got pushed back another year. But this year. This year!
horizontal does america!
I began at my friend’s boat in Edgewater, New Jersey. His company, Lucid Studios, is partially sponsoring my horizontal with lila podcasting tour by lending me the means to get where I am going: the wheels! It’s just me, a Honda Civic, and a backpackful of recording equipment. (Ok, and a whole lot of clothes and a folding bicycle and stuff.) Packing list *included:
Acuballs
P-style
Lint Roller
Blanket with Snaps
Gravitas
Selfie Stick
Horizontal Stickers
Condoms & lube
Mushroom Coffee
Wonder Woman outfit
Disco ball cup
Unicorn horn(s)
Tango Shoes
nJoy
Snow boots
All the panties
* none of these are fabricated for effect. this was about half of my actual packing list.
There have been a few financial setbacks and miscalculations on my part. (For instance, I saved to buy a $650 recorder, but didn’t realize that I’d have to buy $250 worth of battery equipment to make the recorder work. It doesn’t come with a battery? I was forced to purchase the $90 Battery! The battery charger, which they sell separately! An AC adapter! And, my favorite, a $40 battery cartridge required if you would like to actually put the battery on the recorder! GahhHH! I shake my fist at you, Sound Devices!
Truth: I actually wound up crying a little bit in the B&H.)
Many people have asked if I have a “gas fund.” I have one better!
If you’ve been waiting for the right moment to get involved as a horizontal patron, now is the time! You can be a vital part of this cross-country adventure. Support horizontal at any level from $2 a month on up, and be rewarded! The rewards get more and more sumptuous! I’ve heard that some people I know are embarrassed to support at the $2 level, and that’s why they hadn’t contributed — please know that I celebrate every single dollar. Each one means that you support my mission of spreading intimacy across the globe!
I do an elaborate happy dance every time I get word of a new patron. I’ll record it when I reach $100/month, so that you can see what I mean by “elaborate.” [Update: This has come to pass. You’ll see it in the welcome email upon becoming patron!]
I’m on a boat! horizontal in edgewater, nj on my friend’s Capricious Joy.
From Edgewater, I drove three hours upstate to my Dad’s house, a perpetual construction zone. I went. I saw. I vacuumed.
Edgewater, NJ to Burlington, VT. Six-ish hours.
There I stayed in the house of my friend’s comet (see glossary if you’re unfamiliar). I stayed in his “ghost roommate’s” room. She said I could crash, because she’s never around. Thank you, ghost roommate!
In Burlington, my first heartbreak of the trip. I recorded a beautiful conversation with Lola D. Houston, a sex and intimacy coach, kink aficionado, swing dancer, a woman of a later-in-life gender transition. I learned so much during this conversation, about Lola’s work with consent, which she calls “Getting to the Deep Hot Yes,” about kink conferences, and about some self-inquiry that I could really stand to do.
And, dear reader, I did not record it.
horizontal with Lola in Burlington, VT. Lola and Lila. Lila and Lola.
In the wild eventfulness of purchasing and packing and spending twelve hours making a candy mandala for our Rainbow Playground-themed play party at the Villa and having my first good threesome, I neglected to learn about or take my new sound equipment for a dry run, figuring that one field recorder would be pretty much as intuitive as another.
And I was wrong.
horizontal with the World’s Tallest Filing Cabinet, in Burlington, VT
Somehow, the night before, I had managed to record the intro to episode 14, which I did immediately upon arriving in Burlington — by clipping my microphone onto the steering wheel, reclining my seat, and stuffing a fuzzy blanket under the sun visors to create a canopy. But when I tried to set the recorder up in the same way in order to capture my conversation with Lola, I couldn’t hear anything through the headphones (even with the gain — the recorded volume — turned all the way up). When I played it back through the recorder, still nothing.
Troubleshooting while embarrassed (a tricky state), I plugged the SD card into my computer, and, lo and behold, it sounded great. It was indeed recording. Lola was inordinately kind about my equipment fumblings. I owned up to having little experience with my own equipment. (Make your jokes.)
Relieved, we commenced our two hour recording session. I could see the channel button glowing green, felt assured that all was posterity. And then today… When I put the SD card back into the computer …
It wasn’t there. I did something wrong, and I’m not even sure what it was.
I mourn the loss of that beautiful conversation, and my inability to share it with you.
I will now be up late reading the manual from cover to cover and watching YouTube tutorials.
This is the first time I’ve failed to record an entire episode since my initial attempt in January 2017, when I recorded a 45-minute introductory episode to horizontal, finished, pressed the button to stop the recording … and it started to record. Since that was just me recording solo, it wasn’t the worst loss. After a laugh with my roommates, a big helping of bemused-emoji on my face, and a head-shake of great chagrin, I went right back in my room and recorded it again.
(I never wound up releasing that episode, in favor of launching forth with the pillow talk right away. Perhaps I’ll release it as a Patreon perk on horizontal’s anniversary, or such.)
I must record again with Lola. She has so much to offer!
Making my mark on the World’s Tallest File Cabinet (in Burlington, Vermont)
This would be a very easy gateway drug to self-flagellation for me. But I’m not going to do that this time. This time, I’m just going to do my research. And learn. I can’t un-happen it. I can’t get that recording back. I can just make sure that it works when, tonight, I record with my dearest friend from high school, Joe.
If you know any fabulous sex-positive folks with great juju and exciting stories who live in other states, particularly in Iowa, North or South Dakota, Montana, the Southwest (especially Arizona/New Mexico), Texas, Missouri, Alabama, and Southern Georgia, please connect us. And off I goooo!
Big Love,
Lila
P.S. I got horizontal with the World’s Tallest Filing Cabinet. It’s in Burlington. It’s about bureaucracy. Think about it.
P.P.S. Lots of other photos of me getting #horizontalinunexpectedplaces are there on Instagram for your eyeballs.
Become a patron of the horizontal arts, by supporting me on Patreon, a website for crowdsourcing patronage! Patronage allows artists like me to make independent, uncensored, ad-free work, schedule recording tours, and devote my time to creating more horizontal goodness, for you! Becoming my patron has delicious benefits, ranging from quarterly lullabies to bonus episodes to tickets to live recordings to handwritten postcards! You can become a patron for $2 a month on up, and the rewards just get more sumptuous.
