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horizontal with lila

The 7 Galaxies of Intimacy @ SXSW 2022

The Intimacy Equation, or, How to Fix The Loneliness Epidemic

Lila Donnolo

Lila Donnolo is an Intimacy Specialist. Tell Me More…

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horizontalwithlila

Actress. Writer. Podcaster. Lover. Intimacy Specialist … 70+ exclusive podcast episodes for you on Patreon!

Dear Ones, I made a card game for connection. A

Dear Ones,

I made a card game for connection.

And now I will bring it to print!

I’m doing a crowdfunding campaign, but without the platform that takes a cut of your funds, or refuses to give them to you if you don’t raise the amount you intend.

This game is the product of 20 years of work in intimacy. It is based on my intimacy framework, which I was a @ted finalist with in 2021!

I’ve pulled questions & exercises from thousands of hours of intimate podcast interviews, and hundreds of authentic relating workshops.

THE GAME gives you a way to quickly, deeply ✨ CONNECT WITH ANYONE ✨ … from a stranger on the plane to your life partner of 50 years.

With over 200 cards in the deck, each time you play The Game it will be a completely different experience!

And these aren’t just questions! Some of the categories are activities - games within the game. You’ll connect with people not just by sharing & telling, but also by doing!

While most of the companies making question games try to maximize profits by selling you one game for couples and one for family and one for friends, and one for first dates, and one for colleagues, and so on and so forth, my game is completely customizable to any relationship.

Any relationship!
Truly!

The idea is that you’ll take it along in your bag every day, knowing you can adjust it to any social situation & anyone you want to play with. Without it being weird!

Just like a Kickstarter campaign, I have several Reward Tiers! I’d love to share them with you.

Like, comment, or DM and I’ll tell you more, darling!

You can be part of happening it (& maybe even a part of The Game itself)!!!

Big Love,
Lila

📸 by @ericvogelphoto
💄 by @fayelaurenmakeup
👗 by @temperleylondon
💗 by @mellifluousladym , who sewed me into this dress when the zipper didn’t work!

Looking to bring this vibe into my new era! The

Looking to bring this vibe into my new era!

The rest IS still unwritten.

Let’s get to the writing, bb.

Yoohoo! L.A. ….. Let’s play, shall we? 📸

Yoohoo! L.A. …..

Let’s play, shall we?

📸 by @ericvogelphoto
💄 by @fayelaurenmakeup

Moral support & sewing me into the dress when the zipper didn’t work! @mellifluousladym

(Don’t fret. Have since fixed zip.)

Caption this? 📸 by @ericvogelphoto ⚜️ by

Caption this?

📸 by @ericvogelphoto
⚜️ by @barbosanewyork

Our @sagaftra STRIKE IS OVERRRR!!!! If I weren’

Our @sagaftra STRIKE IS OVERRRR!!!!

If I weren’t strapped into a chair in the sky, I would leap with joy!

Celebrate with me by sharing the-TV-show-you-cannot-wait-to-return in the comments!

📸 by @ericvogelphoto
⚜️ by @barbosanewyork

So I’ve been to a bunch of states. Not all. (Gu

So I’ve been to a bunch of states.
Not all. (Guess I’m not a completionist!?)

But thus far, I have only lived in 3:

1. New York ‘You can take the girl outta New York…’
2. Florida, the 6th borough, &
3. Oregon, home of Keeping Portland Weird.

Soon I will add California to the list.
I’m going to love in California, as my autocorrect insists.

For the winter?
For the longer?

My past two winters in New York were …genuinely dangerous to me.

I have seasonal depression anyway, plus a genetic predisposition from the tributaries of mental illness that run along both sides of my lineage, and also also my fingers and toes gets so, SO cold.

But the last two years it was far worse, worse than it has ever been, because I woke up every morning for 6 months and did not want to be awake. Did not want to alive.

I slept a lot. Binged a lot of TV. Worked for Kenneth when I could.

I did not want to alive.

But I held on. For reasons.

And I made it. For reasons.

Most of those reasons are people.

Kenneth @kenneth_play
Samia @samia.mounts
Fiona @thetravelingcreative

My therapist, Rachel.

And Dr. Owen Muir, @owen_muir_md who saved my life via TMS, Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation, also known as The Brain Magnet.

One of the things I will do in California is pitch a new podcast about depression recovery & treatments (not just the one, the many, the new, the cutting-edge, the various things that have worked for people).

Medicine is what works. What works is medicine.

For me it is the ikigai of podcasts:

🎙️something the world needs
🎙️ something I have felt experience with
🎙️ something I can be compensated for, &
🎙️something I care fervently much about.

For updates & stories & intel, you can join my mailing list through the link in my bio, or by navigating to www.horizontalwithlila.com

If you are struggling with being alived, I feel you.

You are not the only one.

You are loved even if you cannot take it in right now.

It can get better.

HOLD ON.
HOLD ON.

📸 by @ericvogelphoto

In my heart I am wild and glad to have reached an

In my heart I am wild
and glad
to have reached an epoch in which
I no longer
feel compelled to
apologize
for being so

extravagantly

human.

📸 by @cameronradicephotography
💋 by @makeup_by_kristine_
🖤 by @claudiapink
⚜️ by @barbosanewyork

Moral support & emotional inspiration by @samia.mounts

Hello darling. I’m moving to L.A. for the winte

Hello darling.
I’m moving to L.A. for the winter.

Any questions?

📸 by @cameronradicephotography
💄 by @makeup_by_kristine_
⚜️ by @barbosanewyork
Bustier by @claudiapink
Jacket by Me

with

Emotional Support from @samia.mounts

This sentiment is a response to the UNREASONABLE-n

This sentiment is a response to the UNREASONABLE-ness
of the OTHER SIDE
of the @sagaftra
bargaining
table.

I’m not on the negotiating committee.
So I get to EXPRESS.

Here’s a little poem I wrote for them, though, when they went back to the table yesterday:

To Our Dear Negotiating Committee,

You have our gratitudes for your
service
your verve
your metaphorical fists in the air as you
sit
at the
(sometimes virtual) table
the reason you hold
fast to
reason
Reason!
For reasonable reasons!
held slow to
ever
for
all
of us.

You have
our collective gratitudes
delivered on the might of our powers of projection
projecting
as we all learned at some point
to the back
of all
of the rooms

At your back
we are
now.

May you be met in reason.
Met with, dare I say it, compassion and even (!) respect
(Can you imagine?)
as you use
words and pens and reason again
to Protect
the rest
of us.

I hear Maya Angelou’s favorite prayer is “Thank you, thank you, thank you.”

Our intrepid
resilient
power
full
negotiating
committee:

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Big Love,
Lila

📸 by the Dream Team @cameronradicephotography

💄& 👩🏻‍🦰 by @makeup_by_kristine_

👸 earrings by @barbosanewyork

Moral support, ✨, & emotional direction by @samia.mounts

#sagaftrastrong
#sagaftrastrike
#sagaftramember
#sagaftra
#newheadshots
#newheadshotswhodis

100 Days on Strike. Not giving up now. We picket,

100 Days on Strike.
Not giving up now.

We picket, then we go to Acting class.

This is how we do it.

#sagaftrastrong
#sagaftrastrike
#sagaftramember
#thefreemanstudio

When you run into old friends from other lives on

When you run into old friends from other lives on the picket line and you, y’know, fight for Justice together and stuff.

#sagaftrastrong
#sagaftrastrike
#sagaftramembers
#acroyoga

AND ON DAY 98, SHE We are still on strike. It i

AND ON DAY 98, SHE

We are still on strike.

It is nearing 100 days.
98 to be precise.

We are still on strike
and it is still preposterous
to me that
those with third houses
and a 16-car garage
would try to keep the people from—

the people whose voices and flesh
their very margins and dollar signs
their exact behemoth jackpots
are built on

that they would try to keep the people
whose very bodies
make their Magic
from being able to
make their mortgage
is
well it’s more than preposterous
it’s
unconscionable

If I knew a stronger word
I would use it.

Shame
is an awful thing.

You know.

So much misery
from shame invisible
insidious
I’ve dedicated
most of my career
to
taming it.
I wouldn’t wish it on…

Well I would.
When appropriate.
I would wish it on.
And it is

appropriate

now.

Shame on you, AMPTP.
for being unwilling
to share.

How could you have
so missed
that day
in
kindergarten?

#sagaftrastrong
#sagaftrastrike
#sagaftramember
#sagaftra

2k down, 23k to go! I will bring THE GAME to prin

2k down, 23k to go!

I will bring THE GAME to print.

You can have it in your living room. On the plane. At the campsite.

You will have a way to quickly, deeply CONNECT WITH ANYONE, from the stranger seated next to you on that economy flight to Doha… all the way to your life partner of 50 years.

Each time you play THE GAME it will be an entirely novel experience.

And it’s not just a game for Strangers & Lovers, it can be just as delightful and profound when you play with:

🎨 family members, or
🎨 colleagues or
🎨 your pickleball league ( that one’s for you, @hannahdeindorfer ).

You can play it on a first date (I have!)

You can play it on a 297th date (I haven’t! But you cannnn!)

To make this game the way I want to, to make it an Object of Joy that you would want to keep on your coffee table for its aesthetic beauty, as well as an Object of Intimacy that you want to carry around in your bag all the time, just in case, I require 25k.

I have 2k already!

DO YOU WANT TO BE A PART OF IT?

Bringing this to fruition? Making the world a more intimate place?

Please comment if YES YES YES!!! Comment with some fun emoji to say:

YES I am an Intimacy Warrior,
YES I care about connection,
YES I WANT TO BE PART OF THIS…

… and I will reach out and tell you of the various donation circles & Rewards bundles. BUNDLES OF REWARDS! Bundlessss!!!

LET’S DO ITTTTT!!!

I mean, we’re already 2/25ths of the way there.

Big Love,
Lila

#intimacycoach
#connectiongame
#connectwithanyone

📸 by @the_confetti_project (who has a new experience you can be part of in November!) ✨

I commit to my own best partner. Being her. I comm

I commit to my own best partner.
Being her.
I commit to being her.

In this way, I will show my future partner how to love me.

By loving me.

In all the love languages.

This future partner (TM) must treat me *at least as wonderfully* my friends do.

My friends, as you will surely know, are the loves of my life.

The absolute loves of my life.

I barely have family I care to family with, in the traditional sense of the word.

Chosen family, though.

This is why chosen family is so important to me.

This is why I try to cultivate community everywhere I hang my hat.

I have room for many loves, of my life.

He can be another.

And he will gladly share my heart with every human I hold dear, every relationship of consequence, as my beloved Matthew Stillman calls them.

Here are some ways I’ve been my best partner, this 41st birthday week:

I’ve…

… indulged myself with theatre, from the high kicks off Moulin Rouge ( featuring my acting classmate @heathermakalani ) to the fervor of epic that is #StereoPHonic , @davidadjmi ‘s Love Letter to the Artist, which has essentially restored my faith in the magic of the American Theatre.

… bought myself treats of the edible & sensory & aesthetic varieties, gifts to delight my senses, like a dairy-free white chocolate skull full of bonbons that must be liberated by way of a small hammer, a production in itself… and the finest tingle-inducing sensation play tools in all the land, Claws crafted by @jenninfantino … & the game Codenames. Which just delights me.

… kept my commitments, even when I didn’t feel well, even when it was difficult.

… learned, tried, experimented, & grew.

… chauffeured myself in style on my scooter, my sweetheart, a @vespa called Loralei.

… took great care with my daily costume and delighted in it.

… wrote handwritten cards, gave thoughtful gifts.

… remembered how grateful I am to be alive & full of muses, & undepressed.

How have you partnered yourself this week, darling?

📸 by @the_confetti_project
✨ by @claudiapink
🩲 by @thisisrosabloom
🎩 by Me

Moral support & sparkles by @glittersaurus.rex

It’s my 41st birthday today. I’m having a part

It’s my 41st birthday today.
I’m having a party.
You can come!

https://partiful.com/e/RuY0yyxZNb9SVqFhxYkB

Tonight, please join me, a bunch of my closest friends, a bunch of their closest friends, & several lovers (I didn’t say *whose* lovers) for the funnest raiser that ever there was.

Performances! Hot Tub! Meeee! (What more could you want on a Monday night!)

It will take place at Hacienda, my old stomping grounds (and home!) and we’ll have the studio, plus the backyard for hot tubbing, canoodling, & witnessing gorgeous feats of beauty.

The Dress Code is ***HOLLYWOOD GLAM***

Come to:

* celebrate my 41st! 
* be among the 1st to experience THE GAME! 
* contribute $ and good juju to the actualization of the Finest Connection Card Game In All The Land! 
* get steamed in the hot tub! 
* witness stunning brilliant people do stunning brilliant things!   &  
* send me off to my L.A. winter in STYLE!

Please note:

- You must be dressed properly Hollywood for entry!

- Sliding scale if you need it, and if you don’t, I invite your generosity, DAHLING.

- This is an alcohol-free event.

- And, Just to to über-clear: This is not a play party!

I am so delighted to celebrate with you tonight on my actual birthday!

With pleasure,
Lila

P.S. What IS Intimacy: THE GAME? It’s a card game! Like “We’re Not Really Strangers.” (But better 🤓😇🥳.)

THE GAME draws on 20 years of expertise leading icebreakers and connection exercises, as well as the hundreds of interviews I’ve conducted (all those questions!) to curate an experience no other intimacy card game can offer - intimate, platonic, *customizable, interactive, introspective, & active!

*When customized to the players, you can play THE GAME with anyone, from lovers to friends to family to co-workers — without it being super weird!

Yay! Be part of it!

This is my mother. I turn 41 today. The age she

This is my mother. I turn 41 today.

The age she was when she had me.

Everything crucial about who I am is from her.

My:

💫 endless curiosity
💫 my obsession with relationships of all kinds
💫 my love of color & costume
💫 my manic depression
💫 my talent for acting & public speaking
💫 my love of theatre & partner dancing
💫 my sadness
💫 my thirst for love
&
💫 the loneliness that prompted me to craft my entire multifaceted career around human connection.

Thank you for my life, Mom.

My mom isn’t doing so well.

It is time for serious adulting and I am scared.

She will be 82 next month.
I am an only child.
My father is not around.

It’s me. And it’s time to learn to do a whole lot of things that I do not know how to do.

How very life.
Here we go.

PDX in Summertime is Pleasantville 1. Reunited w

PDX in Summertime is Pleasantville

1. Reunited with Kiara And it Feels So Goo-ood!

2. OMG This is what it’s like to get 8 straight hours of sleep?!! I FEEL LIKE I COULD TAKE OVER THE WORRRRLD! (Special thanks to @mrghyseye for letting me borrow the best jumpsuit of them all.)

3. Kiara guest starring in a Bathroom Portrait!

4. Debbie, a true artist and the doyenne of @thenestproject - Bali reunited in PDX! Thank you for your attunement, your spontaneity, your care, & your hospitality.

5. We are looking in different directions, but very much connected. 💕

6. I finally found a gluten free dairy free doughnut and it is MMMMGGHHHGAAAAALLLLMMMMMMMM @cascadiabakery

7. A booze-free pop up bar at the Clinton Street Market!

8. Gifts on Gifts. (I used to feel embarrassed that gifting is high on my list of love languages, but I don’t any more!)

9. Tango friends reunited! @kittylambkins even Sings Tango! And so beautifully! One day, I desire a duet!!

10. Playtested my connection card game at the lovely @redcastlegames with 3 remarkable humans including the former Artistic Director of Artists Repertory Theatre, the creator of The Nest Project, and the head of the We’ve organization, which creates peer-to-peer counseling opportunities (often through D&D for adults on the spectrum).

Not pictured: oodles and oodles of location scouting for secret project!

Summertiiiiiime….

I didn’t know I could love L.A. … I love surp

I didn’t know I could love L.A. …

I love surprises!

Love Letter to L.A., Part 1:

1. Samia’s apartment in Tarzana gets excellent light.

2. Art Outings with @samia.mounts … On this one, someone called us “Museum Girlies.” We’ll take it.

3. Sunshine. This is where they keep it. Also necklace from Happy Place @riskgalleryboutique (in Brooklyn, not sorry, Brooklyn is my sweet first always home)

4. This is Cora. If you know me you understand this photo is astonishing.

5. Samia & I, Pamela & her Famela (h/t Samia) @embodyworkla

6. Bali Reunion at Karaoke with Michael Morgenstern

7. Please do not judge my voice by this “Hurt So Good” moment.

8. Posing for @cameronradicephotography was a great joy! I’ve got headshots for dayyyyys and characters on characters on archetypes on…..

9. Reunited with darling Jeremy, whom I met at the very first @littleskips in its earliest days. Thank you for our friendship @iloveyourainbow & I look forward to what you have in store for the world in any capacity. Jerbear, see you in New York!

10. This is John, my friend from college. #nyu #tischschoolofthearts When your friend from college is a great human & a great performer && a great acting teacher, well. Makes you smile like this.

Okay #lalaland …

Maybe it’s our time.

Hiya, darlin’! (What kind of character is she,

Hiya, darlin’!

(What kind of character is she, do you think?)

💄 by @makeup_by_kristine_
📸 by @cameronradicephotography
💖 by @samia.mounts
👗 by @temperleylondon

In my early 20s, I really really wanted to dye my

In my early 20s, I really really wanted to dye my hair red. But even when I could afford it, I just couldn’t bring myself to do it it… Because then I wouldn’t match my headshots. And People get rather grumpy when you don’t look like your headshots!

I saw Samia’s @samia.mounts new headshots and was completely gobsmacked by the way they captured her — her quirkiness, her queer pan-ness, her beauty, her ambiguously ethnic ness, her ferocity and s&x appeal.
I immediately thought, I want to shoot with that person! That person, @cameronradicephotography , turns out to be two people — Cameron, and his partner Sivan. And they work REMARKABLY together.
He directs the poses and is so precise and meticulous about your positions that you can totally relax and simply follow his instructions. Yessssss. Direct meeeeee. It removes so much of the anxiety I’ve experienced during photo shoots in the past, when you feel like you have to direct yourself, but can’t see yourself from the outside, and the photographer doesn’t show you anything, so you really have no idea how you’re coming across, and then you get in your head, and your smile gets weird and your shoulders get stiff and everything’s just not as good. He completely eliminates that by being such a stellar technician.
And then Sivan coordinates the whole thing! She decides on the order of your outfits and the looks to match, discusses the progression with Hair & Make-up, then chooses the perfect color backdrops for each outfit, and when you’re in it, she gives emotional direction! Cues about what to think and when to smile and how to smile and when to smolder and the attitude and the vibe. This is both, as Samia once wonderfully called me, “the salt of the earth and the icing on the cake.”
Cameron & Sivan are both so incredibly talented and also deeply kind. Which is rarer than I’d like. And needed. Because this profession is based on your ability to be very very tender. To be impressionable. And to show how you are affected, to anyone who will witness. I will never understand why people in the industry can be so cruel to actors. But I digress. TBC in the next post.

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