This is Fiona at Burning Man.
26. for people who aren’t looking to fall in love: horizontal with a bisexual slut
Welcome to the second episode of the second season of horizontal with lila, the podcast about intimacy recorded while lying down. In this episode, I lie down with my sweet friend Fiona. Fiona is an architecture student, a first generation Nuyorican, a bisexual woman, and one of the most deliciously sensual humans I’ve ever known.
Fiona: I lost my virginity at 13 …
Lila: Whoa…
Fiona: And … that was, an attempt to get my … boyfriend to fall in love with me.
Lila: Ohhh, I understand that. Fiona: And—
Fiona: It didn’t work. And then my attitude toward sex changed. I— when that recipe didn’t work, I realized, “Well, it’s not the ingredient for love, then… but it’s fun!” So, until I find out what the ingredient for love is … this certainly works at getting boys to like me.
Lila: Yeah.
Fiona: So, I used that … for many years. And …
Lila: Did you have a lot of physical pleasure during that time, like, was your first time pleasurable?
Fiona: I don’t— remember it being very pleasurable, nope. I remember— foreplay always being fun.
Lila: Yes
Fiona: Foreplay is always fun.
Lila: Yes.
*
Fiona: I, I came out as … poly … to my father.
Lila: Really?
Fiona: But it was before I could really explain what it was, it wasn’t— it wasn’t very good timing. My timing wasn’t— good. I was just so excited (Lila mm’s) and I felt so free … and I was happy for myself … and … before finding the community, I was in a monogamous relationship with my girlfriend, and … that didn’t end very well. She fell very sick, (Lila mm’s) and it was generally dysfunctional from the start, and then—
Lila: In what way?
Fiona: Because she was sick from the very beginning but I didn’t know the extent of it.
Lila: Was it omitted? Was it kept from you?
Fiona: It was omitted. The, the gravity of it was omitted. And it was … told to me by our mutual friends but … I think I was … blinded by my love for her. That I didn’t see it or I chose not to see it.
Lila: And do you think she was afraid that you wouldn’t enter into a relationship with her if you knew the extent of how sick she was?
Fiona: Absolutely. That had to ha— I don’t know any other reason why she wouldn’t really explain …
Lila: Did you feel blindsided?
Fiona: I did; I was very resentful, and I’m still recovering from that relationship.
Lila: Yeah…
Fiona: But when I— fell out of that, I had a— about six months of celibacy … and … a lot … there was a lot of trauma from, from that relationship. I, I wanted to be poly … and I asked for permission from her … towards the end when our relationship was getting very rocky and (Lila mm’s) I wasn’t having my needs met and she felt really hurt by that request and, and then I cheated (Lila mm’s) annnd … and then I got pregnant.
*
Lila: In a conversation that Alex and I had recently, he said that … (sigh) His family seems to have a pretty dim view of me, and the word that I would use is that they think that I am selfish. (Fiona mm’s) And he said, “I suspect that— that’s why you don’t like children, because then, it’s not about what you want. You have to— sacrifice, and give up you— what you want in favor of what … the child want,” but that’s the view of his family. His family has this … this supreme value on self-sacrifice— (Fiona mm’s) —for others in the family. I hold an extremely— an extreme reverence for: balance. Being able to take care of yourself so you can sustainably help others and … (Fiona hm’s, Lila sighs) I think he’s right about children, because I find them so annoying and I just want to speak with the adults (Fiona laughs) I just want to (Lila laughs), I just find them so annoying.
Fiona: Yes!
Lila: And then, and then I feel a little bit— embarrassed for finding them so annoying. (Fiona nn’s) And not wanting to be around them. (Fiona hm’s) Not— not because I’m a woman but — is it because I’m a woman? —
Fiona: That might have something to do with it.
Lila: (overlapping) It might, it might be some, some cultural pressure.
Fiona: (overlapping) I— would be surprised if it didn’t have a little bit to do with it.
Lila: At least some. A woman who doesn’t care for children.
Welcome to the second episode of the second season of horizontal with lila, the podcast about intimacy recorded while lying down.
In this episode, I lie down with my sweet friend Fiona. Fiona is an architecture student, a first generation Nuyorican, a bisexual woman, and one of the most deliciously sensual humans I’ve ever known. At the time of this recording, she had recently trained as a tantrika and was giving erotic massage at a Tantric Temple, which is where she headed right after we finished recording … she was late!
Since then, has retired that persona, feeling that, while she fully supports the rights of women to do tantric sex work, it wasn’t for her. However, she’s dabbled in educational sex work as well, and really enjoys being a demonstration model in an intimate environment — for instance, showcasing hands-on sexual techniques during workshops given by the sex educator Kenneth Play.
This episode was recorded on a marathon day of podcasting in my friend Owen’s basement — which is far less creepy than it sounds, as his basement is a combined recording studio and mother-in-law suite with a queen-sized bed, making it perfect for horizontal.
Fiona holds the record at the Villa for having sex with the most housemates. It seems that everyone is attracted to her! And, lucky for them, she enjoys many flavors of human. Also … some of my housemates are— very good at sharing.
In the first half of our episode together, we talk about being child-free, various forms of birth control, swallowing come, tumblebugging, and coming out as poly.
If you enjoy lying down with us, become a patron of the horizontal arts. Patreon, the website that gives artists a platform to crowdsource income, can make it possible for a modern day broadcaster-golightly, such as myself, to make independent, uncensored, and, to this day, ad-free work. And there are rewards! For instance: for five dollars a month I’ll add you to my secret FB group, where I post behind-the-scenes photos and curate the most fascinating articles about love, sex, and relationships. There are lots of other perks as well, like horizontal pillowcases and free tickets to live horizontal storytelling shows, where you can lie down with us in person.
Right now, you’ll just have to pretend.
You know how to pretend, right? You just put your mind to it … and come lie down with us.
Links to things:
horizontal’s Patreon, so that you can, in the words of my newest patron, “support what you love”
There seems to be an anatomically-correct doll on the market, but the one that’s gotten all the attention is the one with a penis. HUMPH.
It’s possible to become pregnant while using an IUD for birth control.
Show Notes (feel free to share quotes/resources on social media, and please link to iTunes, this website, or my Patreon!):
iTunes link: https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/horizontal-with-lila/id1238031115&ls=1
website link: https://horizontalwithlila.com/
Patreon link: https://www.patreon.com/horizontalwithlila
[3:42] On nervousness.
[5:03] The prettiest robe combination so far. [visual aid]
horizontal just prior to recording this episode [visual aid]
[6:10] Fiona on having her her mother as her middle school guidance counselor.
[7:08]
Fiona: I’m first generation Nuyorican, so— both of my —
Lila: — which is New York Puerto Rican?
Fiona: Yesss. Yes. And both of my parents are from Puerto Rico, and … my father was raised in a more urban environment, whereas my— in Ponce, Puerto Rico and my mother was— raised in a more, in a more country environment in the rura— rural area of Puerto Rico, Barranquitas, in the mountains … and … I … Puerto Rico’s still very very Catholic, very homophobic.
Lila: Hm.
Fiona: So, some of those ideals, she, she came here at a young age, at around 24, and— being in New York will challenge some of those perspectives … so she— and being an educator, has also forced her to challenge some of those ideas err— that she learned growing up.
[8:28] What was the relationship like between Fiona’s mother and her father (who was an alcoholic)?
[9:00] How is Fiona similar to her musician father?
[9:57] Why did Fiona’s parents have children?
[11:22]
Fiona: He did his best to … teach us that … having kids is a huge life decision, um, and kind of he, he pushed us in the direction of not wanting to have kids. So he … wouldn’t let us play with baby dolls — he didn’t like us playing with baby dolls. He would buy us Business Barbies instead.
Lila: Really?!
Fiona: (chuckling) Yeah.
Lila: Business Barbie!
Fiona: Mmhm.
Lila: Did you like business Barbie? (both laugh)
Fiona: She wasn’t as sexy—
Lila: I’ll bet! Fiona: As the other Barbie.
Lila: (laughs) I’ll bet she wasn’t. I mean, she’s the same when you take her clothes off.
Fiona: Right, exactly.
Lila: Which is, isn’t that instantly what every child does with a doll, is like, take all the clothes off?
Fiona: Yes!
Lila: And see what’s underneath! (Fiona laughs) And it’s just the, the— there’s no vagina, it’s just this smooth, flat—
Fiona: I know, or— Lila: — pubic surface.
Fiona: They’ll have like this … strange version of a panty—
Lila: OHH!
Fiona: That is just a design on the skin—
Lila: And slightly raised. Fiona: — of the —
Fiona: Yes!
Lila: Ugh, okay. (both laugh) It’s ridiculous. Oh my God, what would it take for them to make anatomically-correct Barbie and Ken?
Fiona: Whoa.
Lila: To actually teach children what human bodies are, and that it’s nothing to be ashamed of, everybody has the bodies, and that there’s a variety of— shapes.
[There seems to be an anatomically-correct doll on the market, but the one that’s gotten all the attention is the one with a penis. HUMPH.]
Business Barbie is real, but she is called “Executive Barbie” [see below: Eddie Izzard, executive transvestite]
EDDIE IZZARD-weirdo or executive transvestite??
EDDIE IZZARD- DRESS TO KILL..XD HA HA
[13:13] On wanting to be child-free.
[13:44] A late-night experience Fiona had over gelato at the Hacienda Maison in NOLA.
[14:39] Why Alex thinks Lila doesn’t want children.
[16:20] Fiona and the permanent birth control.
[17:09] The IUD, the pill.
[20:53] On swallowing come.
[23:23]
Lila: Do you do it because it’s pleasurable for you, or as a sort of gift to them, because that’s how I did it.
Fiona: Hmmm.
Lila: It was like, “I will offer you this … by not …. spitting you out, by not—
Fiona: Right.
Lila: I will accept you into my body.
Fiona: I … take— great pleasure in it. I s— I, I see it as a gift, in both ways? It’s their gift to me and— and because of that potency that I know it carries … and— and even the ceremonious— giving of it to me, the, the orgasm, the ejaculation, the, the climax itself, is, is, it just feels … appropriate. To. Make it a part of myself.
[25:02] Lila’s elementary school memory of the note down the pants.
[26:16] The blind spots in Lila’s memory.
[27:06] The dirty magazine that Lila’s childhood friend found in the gutter, and where she hid it.
[27:49] Where Lila’s fantasy about brothers stems from.
[28:05] Tumblebugging.
[28:10]
Lila: So, to the best of my ability, I discerned that it was to— have, like, be in a, a little clinch—
Fiona: Yeah.
Lila: Facing each other.
Fiona: Uhhuh.
Lila: And be wrapped around each other — limbs wrapped around each other — and then have a few thrusts and then roll over, and then have a few pumps and roll over, and have a few thrusts and then roll over. (Fiona cracks up) And have a few pumps, and, so tumblebugging— and that’s, that’s what I remember so vividly, and I remember being so aroused by the idea of being with brothers. They weren’t with each other, that wasn’t what— that didn’t arouse me—
Fiona: Mmhm.
Lila: The idea of having two brothers focused on me, which then, later on, I wound up fantasizing about with Alex, which caused some problems not with him but (laughing) the brother, who now really does not think so well of me. (both laugh)
Fiona: It’s an innocent fantasy! It’s just a fantasy!
Lila: I know. I shouldn’t have shared it with him.
[29:58] A possible origin of Lila’s interest in older men.
[30:28] The first man Lila gave oral sex to.
[31:34] Where did Lila hide the dirty magazine?
[32:13]
Lila: I do remember my mother saying … “Lila, sex is not dirty. Sex is something that happens between people that love each other, and it’s a wonderful thing, but this is dirty.” […] And so, she made a very clear distinction.
No caption necessary, methinks.
[33:11] The attitudes towards sex in Fiona’s household.
[33:56]
Fiona: I remember one time, crossing the street — my mom was the guidance counselor at the middle school that I went to so that made it a little, like, a lot more difficult.
Lila: Yes, of course! (laughs)
Fiona: — to get away with things, so, I have many … fetishes that relate to the things I was shamed for growing up.
Lila: Like…
Fiona: This one, in particular, about getting away with things—
Lila: Yeah.
Fiona: And— is one of them … so it was always hard for me to get away with things, and, with my mother being there all the time, I remember— crossing the street, I thought I was in the clear. I was about two blocks away from my school, and I was hanging out with my friends, and I thought she was working late, and my— boyfriend, as boyfriend-y as middle school relationships can get, had his arms around me, and that was … implicit enough, that was suggestive enough of our relationship, and … (lowering her voice) she honked the horn!
[35:43] Fiona on her virginity and foreplay.
[36:38] What was Fiona’s first experience of penetration by a cock?
[39:09] Why does Fiona think her parents are still together?
[38:36]
Fiona: For many years I felt responsible for the health of my parent’s relationship. (Lila mm’s) And … through … a lot of work— and one powerful family session— I mentioned this out loud and … it was stated that that’s not necessary, it’s not true, I’m not responsible for their relationship. And—
Lila: The— therapist said that, or they did?
Fiona: They did.
Lila: They did.
Fiona: Somehow — and I thought it was shocking that they were shocked, that I felt that way — (Lila mm’s) — but when they heard me say that … they promised, they assured me that it wasn’t necessary for me to feel that way.
Lila: Whooo … my mom only told me much later on that she had stayed with my father … many years longer … because of me. Also partially it had to have been that she got sick. (Fiona mm’s) My father was caring for her. (Fiona mmhm’s) She had cancer — colon cancer — when I was 7, 8, and 9. As far as I know, right. My, my memory, also very— incomplete from that time … but ….. that thought felt very oppressive to me. Because they really didn’t seem very happy. And my mom revealed to me, much later on, that she had had an affair at the end, but that … they had had an understanding. (Fiona mm’s faintly) That they’d said that their marriage— it’s so interesting, my mom’s so shocked about things like that, she was shocked when I told her about Andrew’s relationships (Fiona mmhm’s) and how he lives with his wife on the first floor and his girlfriend lives on the second floor and—
Fiona: (quietly) Right.
Lila: — she was so astonished, but my, my parents said that they had an open relationship, they were like…
Fiona: Oh.
Lila: … but they didn’t exercise it.
[42:17] Fiona on coming out as poly, and her last (fraught) monogamous relationship.
[44:24] Fiona tells the story of getting pregnant while on the IUD. And her prophetic dream.
[46:05] On her abortion.
Fiona: And it wasn’t until I had that dream — I took the test, and it couldn’t have been more positive, and I had a procedure done. And within three days — and this is, also, this validates, it confirms my desire not to have children — I just, I didn’t even give it a second thought. (Lila mm’s) Within three days, I wasn’t pregnant anymore and I knew something had to change from there on. I knew the way I did relationships had to change.
[46:44] How did Fiona know that polyamory was an option?
[47:06]
Fiona: I knew that for me, I wanted to share. I knew I had enough love for multiple partners. (Lila hm’s) I knew I could love more than one person. And I just needed a, a s— a system or a a, some— a construct, to practice that.
[47:36] What moved Fiona the most about entering the polyamorous community?
[48:00]
Fiona: It was the first time I had heard consent being … talked about. It, it blew my mind! That I didn’t know what consent meant (Lila mm’s) or looked like, really.
consent (noun) = freely-given permission, verbal or otherwise, to interact sexually in a particular form with another human
[48:20] On bisexuality and childhood crushes.
[49:00]
Fiona: I would have to say that my first kiss was a woman, and this was a memory that I— forgot about, until— I really had to look back and think about when my re— my real first kiss was. Her name was Antonella. She was older than me… she was eight. And I was six. (Lila mm’s) And … so … there’s, I, there’s a lot of different reasons why I, I became sexually active when I did: the hyper-sexualization of Latinas, I was— I had boobs when I was in third grade (Lila mmhm’s) and … we had access to porn, as well, as kids.
Lila: What kind?
Fiona: Heterosexual porn.
Lila: Videos?
Fiona: Yes, videos. And so, Antonella had somehow discovered porn and … would want to play “the game” with me sometimes. Which was when— where we would lock ourselves in my father’s room and (Lila giggles) she would lie on top of me and dry hump me and make out with me, and, I loved it.
Lila: Yeah!
Fiona: I loved the game! (Lila giggles) I’d always ask to play it.
Lila: Of course!
26. for people who aren’t looking to fall in love: horizontal with a bisexual slut
Welcome to the second episode of the second season of horizontal with lila, the podcast about intimacy recorded while lying down. In this episode, I lie down with my sweet friend Fiona. Fiona is an architecture student, a first generation Nuyorican, a bisexual woman, and one of the most deliciously sensual humans I’ve ever known.
Become a patron of the horizontal arts, by supporting me on Patreon, a website for crowdsourcing patronage! Patronage allows artists like me to make independent, uncensored work, schedule recording tours, and devote my time to creating more horizontal goodness, for you! Becoming my patron has delicious benefits, ranging from exclusive photos and behind-the-scenes video content, to handwritten postcards, spring cleaning phone calls, and creative input on future episodes! You can become a patron for $1 a month on up, and the rewards just get more sumptuous.
