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Sex is a skill you can refine.

Here’s how!

“The thing about calibration, right? If I identify where the nerve is one time, it’s like I knew where I parked my car; I don’t have to think about this anymore. But if you didn’t know that, that is the right parking spot, you be looking, you’d be looking for like six hours or six months or six year and never find the right spot! If I am going by where I parked the car last week on every new lover, it doesn’t really work, right? So you have to just make the effort to know where things are for that individual one time. Then you kind of know like at least that’s one go-to. That is reliable, that is consistent. I have lovers that is like left and right under the clit. Like there’s so many variants, but once, you know, it just really takes a stress out of the whole thing. Some people like to be finger this way, but not that way. So the whole calibration concept is like, how do you actually calibrate? Location, pressure, angle and speed.”

                    – Kenneth Play

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So, you want to be better at sex, eh? GRAND!

You have come to the right place, darling.

In this episode, I sit down for a one-on-one with Kenneth Play, the World’s Greatest Sex Hacker (according to GQ & Men’s Health).

Author of the book Beyond Satisfied and creator of the single greatest sex ed resource I have ever encountered (for learning how to please a pussy), the “Sex Hacker Pro” course (I’m a happy affiliate!), Kenneth is a force for female pleasure across the planet.

He has personally changed my sex life with his guidance, many times over, and now, perhaps, he just might change yours.

In our first PS! episode together (though, certainly not the last), Kenneth offers us 13 takeaways: tips, tricks, tools, and hacks we can apply immediately! tonight! in service of a more pleasurable life.

And who doesn’t want a more pleasurable life? Come on now.

VIVA LA PLEASURE! PLEASSZZZURE.

PS! You too, can be a Sex Hacker. It just takes a bit of practice. Mwah!

PS! Episode 2: HOW TO HACK SEX!

[00:00:00] Lila: I know there are some people who go totally nonverbal when they’re enjoying their sexuality and they don’t want to speak and they don’t want to calibrate and they don’t want to consider technique. Right? So, what do you say to the people who think that ruins sex? 

[00:00:19] Kenneth: It does.

[00:00:26] 

[00:00:43] Lila: So you wanna be better at sex, huh? You have come to the right place, darling. In this episode, I sit down for a one-on-one with Kenneth Play, the World’s Greatest Sex Hacker, according to GQ and Men’s Health. Author of the book, Beyond Satisfied and creator of the single greatest Sex Ed resource I have ever encountered — for learning how to please a pussy — The Pleasure Hacker Pro Course. 

[00:01:10] Kenneth is a force for female pleasure across the planet. He has personally changed my life with his guidance many times over, and now, perhaps, he just might change yours. In our first PS! episode together, though certainly not the last, Kenneth offers us 13 takeaways: tips, tricks, tools and hacks we can apply immediately tonight in service of a more pleasurable life. And who doesn’t want a more pleasurable life? Come on now. Viva la pleasure. Pleaszzzure. 

[00:01:50] Kenneth was a co-founder of Hacienda Villa, the sex- positive intentional community and event space where I lived- more happily than I had ever lived anywhere in my life, with 13 other humans for five whole years in a tiny, tiny little room with a lofted bed that I called The Treehouse. This episode is an invitation into my culture, the culture of Hacienda, where your desires belong.

[00:02:19] Hacienda gave me a home, a community, a platform, and my sex positive street cred and I will never, ever forget any of it. These are the kind of conversations we were lucky enough to have every day of the week at any time of day. 

[00:02:42] Lila: So what does it mean to you to be a hacker – of anything? 

[00:02:46] Kenneth: I think most people’s definition of hacking is to use something that is not meant for the job that you use a like, I don’t know. A clothing iron to make a grilled cheese. That’s what pops up for people. But for me is finding a uncommon solution for some of the most desired common goals that people have. 

[00:03:11] Lila: An uncommon solution for a common problem. 

[00:03:14] Kenneth: But unfortunately, I think sex is one of the area that most people don’t know what the common solution is. Like they’re not doing the status quo and getting results.

[00:03:25] Lila: I don’t know if there is a common solution in – I don’t know. I mean, everything in your work that I know is, is that it’s all about specificity and tailoring . 

[00:03:34] Kenneth: Yeah, I, I compare being a good lover like, you know how to cook eggs. And there’s a million different ways to make eggs. Like so many different techniques, but there’s definitely ways to fuck it up that tastes dry and disgusting. And everybody kind of have their own preference. Of eggs, right? Like, do you like the scramble versus sunny side up versus whatever French style. Many different ways and each way require a technique, but most people don’t know how they like the eggs and they have no idea how to cook it. Even if they think, you know, even if they taste it. So I really want to solve that problem, like, here’s all the ways that people cook eggs, possibly, or like their most popular way. Most effective way. And if you don’t know where to start, try this five most famous version of it that is scientifically proven, that has the most data and research behind it. Like, you know, touching the clitoris is a good idea that most people respond to that, you know? 

[00:04:30] Lila: Is that famous though? 

[00:04:32] Kenneth: You touching the clit? I hope so by now, in 2022. 

[00:04:35] Lila: But I don’t know, I mean, amongst our circles, sure, but I, I really don’t know. 

[00:04:40] Kenneth: I love telling straight men that expecting most women to have a orgasm without touching their clit is like having a first time hook up with a straight male and, not touching the head of his penis at all and expect him to have orgasm that way, which some men actually can, right? Like with their prostate stimulated alone, but it just not the highest probability. Don’t touch the head of their penis at all and expect you to have orgasm. Most gay men, from research, still desire or require some type of penile stimulation. Why do we make it so hard? You know, like some people could have orgasm brushing their teeth, right? Like on the planet. 

[00:05:19] Lila: What? 

[00:05:20] Kenneth: But do you –

[00:05:21] Lila: Who’s having an orgasm while brushing their teeth?!

[00:05:23] Kenneth: There studies on how like, very rare condition that people have orgasm from doing things that you would never expect. One study is quite interesting about someone, when they have a spinal injury, they can’t move from the neck down. They will still have the desire for sex, but not, they don’t feel anything from the neck down. 

[00:05:42] Lila: No sensation.

[00:05:43] Kenneth: So they could retrain themselves to associate the sensation touching their earlobe. To achieve orgasm. So there’s like a rezoning training that they could-

[00:05:52] Lila: This is my favorite use of the word rezoning I have ever heard. Pleasure rezoning. Rezoning Your pleasure. Mm Wow. 

[00:06:04] Touching their earlobe?! Did you even know that was possible? Have you ever had an orgasm from non-genital stimulation? If you have, tell me about it. 

[00:06:16] Kenneth: So some people on the planet can have a orgasm touching their earlobe, because when you stimulate their earlobe or nipple, it kind of overlapped the same like sensory input in your brain, like as in the same neighborhood, so it could get associated with it. 

[00:06:29] Lila: Right. I mean, I’ve definitely had somebody nibble my earlobe or kiss my earlobe and, I can feel a mainline to my pussy. 

[00:06:37] Kenneth: Yeah. So they could, they could tap that wire that way, but you wouldn’t bet on that one, on a hookup, you know, let me go, start on a earlobe, like, yeah. So sex hacking to me is basically, like card counting in Vegas. Card counting is basically playing poker and you know the odds of each hand that you’re playing and you’re just betting at the like, highest probability of winning, that hand. Right? The highest percentage. So if you don’t know what she like and just say if she didn’t know what she like, of course you’re gonna try the most common one first, right? You’re not gonna try the most difficult one. So you kind of, there’s like a process of elimination. You start with the highest probability and then you work your way down. And that is super advanced, unfortunately. Right? Like- 

[00:07:26] Lila: That technique, that order of op- 

[00:07:27] Kenneth: That technique, that thinking, that, that, that method of solving this problem, you don’t know what you want, you serve like the most common food. 

[00:07:35] Lila: It’s an order of operations thing. 

[00:07:37] Kenneth: Yeah. Yeah. So 

[00:07:39] Lila: If you don’t know what an American wants to eat, you serve them a burger and fries.

[00:07:43] Kenneth: Yeah. 

[00:07:43] Lila: See how it goes. 

[00:07:44] Kenneth: Yeah. You start with that one. Yeah. You know, not some weird delicacy, you know? 

[00:07:48] Lila: Here’s some chicken hearts. 

[00:07:50] Kenneth: Yeah.

[00:07:52] Lila: See how you do. 

[00:07:53] Kenneth: Yeah. Or fermented shock. You know, that’s the- 

[00:07:56] Lila: I’m remembering the first time I was with this guy, it was actually on a birthday of mine. It was just on a whim that I, we had one lovely date and my birthday was in a few days, and I was gonna go up and spend it by myself in a cabin upstate in Woodstock. I brought all these fabulous groceries and I cooked myself a fabulous meal, and I did mushrooms and danced around on the bed and wrote thank you letters. And then, and then he was showing up the next day. It was the second time we were meeting, and so now we’re kissing and now we’re fooling around and he slapped me across the face. And I was like, “No, no. Um, uh, that’s not, that’s not my thing.” Actually that is one of my only hard noes. You no, never slap me across the face, ever. And he just, he just went for it, you know, with no, no chatting, no warm up, not even putting a hand on the cheek and doing a little tap to see how I responded. So no calibration. I feel like people don’t, don’t know how to calibrate. So what is a, I guess, what are hacks around that? How do people learn? What do you even tell people when they don’t know what calibration is? 

[00:09:15] Kenneth: Well, that’s why I wrote it into the book. On a very specific process. So the first thing you have to feel, you have to able to feel, right, because, if you can’t feel your own experience and you can’t pay attention to your partners, like sexual erotic cue, then you are like, you’re not like looking at. You’re not looking at the feedback or you cannot, process the signal that you are getting at all-

[00:09:39] Lila: Are you saying you’re, you’re overly focused on your own experience?

[00:09:42] Kenneth: There’s like a certain amount of bandwidth for your attention. So you could pay attention to what you are thinking or what you observing, right, in the moment.

[00:09:48] Lila: Or what you’re feeling. 

[00:09:49] Kenneth: Or what you’re feeling internally. So that’s interoception is feeling your own sensation, your own experience, what’s in your body. 

[00:09:56] Lila: Interoception. 

[00:09:57] Kenneth: Yeah. Yeah, interoception, yeah. And your proprioception is basically how you move in space and how you interact with someone else, or, you know, or object.

[00:10:06] Lila: I know you wanna say her because you’re so used to teaching about female pleasure! 

[00:10:11] Kenneth: The whole idea is that if you’re not feeling anything, you’re not paying attention to your own experience or someone else’s experience. You can’t pick up those erotic cues or you can’t calibrate if you don’t have a feedback loop. So the first step is to feel something.

[00:10:24] Lila: Did you catch that? This means that according to the World’s Greatest Sex Hacker, the first step to hacking sex is feeling yourself, but literally. Actually being able to tune into your body channel and the ever-changing topography of sensations on the inside and the outside of your skin. 

[00:10:46] How to hack sex: hack number one… feel yourself.

[00:10:51] Kenneth: I think the second- 

[00:10:52] Lila: Do you mean to feel them? 

[00:10:54] Kenneth: To feel yourself and feel them. So if you’re not paying, like if you imagine you not having sex, you’re trying to stand up on a surfboard. If you don’t feel the feeling of balancing, like what is the water doing, the cues that your body’s giving you, you can’t adjust. Adjusting require feeling. 

[00:11:11] Lila: Right. But that’s both internal and external at the same- 

[00:11:14] Kenneth: At the same time. Yeah. They kind of flow back and forth in sync. Yeah. 

[00:11:17] Lila: So I used to do circling. It’s an authentic relating practice where people would sit in a circle and speak to the moment… as to what was going on inside them and how what they observed and felt outside them from the others impacted what was going on inside them that then impacted what was going on outside them. You know, and, and we would name things that people wouldn’t ordinarily name, but in order to be able to do that, you have to have this heightened sensitivity, this ability… to adjust the sliders.

[00:11:53] Hack number two… feel your partner or partners. Observe their verbal and nonverbal cues. If you’re unsure how to interpret a cue, and because pleasure can look like pain on one person, and pain could look like pleasure on someone else: ask.

[00:12:12] So think of a sound board if you’ve ever seen one, the idea is to slide up so that the volume goes up on your attention inside yourself, but then also goes up on the attention outside yourself. And you may have to have um, a seesaw almost. 

[00:12:30] Kenneth: Mm-hmm. 

[00:12:30] Lila: Because you were just saying essentially we can only do one conscious thing at a time, right? So we switch when we, if I’m paying attention to the inside, I take a moment to do that and I might switch so quickly that I think I’m aware of both things at the same time. 

[00:12:43] Hack number three. Switch back and forth between these two awarenesses. 

[00:12:49] Kenneth: I think it kind of synchronized because your internal sensation, like, you know how you have a feeling, right? Like you’re listening to someone all of a sudden gives you chills. That chill is the interoception feedback, right? 

[00:13:01] Lila: Mm-hmm. 

[00:13:01] Kenneth: So it could kind of happen simultaneously if you could pay attention to your reaction to what you’re observing. 

[00:13:07] Lila: But in the moment that you pay attention to that chill, are you really paying attention to the thing that gave you the chill? 

[00:13:15] Kenneth: So if we try to analyze something, then definitely that is in a slower system when we’re talking about like our subconscious mind, like if you drill something so many times- 

[00:13:24] Lila: Mm-hmm. 

[00:13:24] Kenneth: It doesn’t require the same amount of processing. 

[00:13:27] Lila: Right. Muscle memory style. 

[00:13:28] Kenneth: Yeah. Yeah. So if you train yourself or drill something, it’s just no different than martial art you could see the punch coming and your body’s already punching. There’s not, like I’m thinking, analyze the speed of the punch. So the idea is to train yourself, and that’s why I borrow a lot of the philosophy from martial artists when it comes to sex, because they have to be in the state that they are excited, right, enough, but they can’t be too excited and they can’t be too fearful and too inhibited. They have to find this right balance when they’re both relaxed and excited at the same time. 

[00:14:01] Lila: Because if you’re too excited –

[00:14:02] Kenneth: Yeah. 

[00:14:02] Lila: You lose precision and control over what you’re doing. 

[00:14:06] Kenneth: Yeah. 

[00:14:06] Lila: And also your listening capability goes down, right? Yeah. And if you’re not listening, then of course, what are you doing? You’re just like hammering around in the dark, with the piñata and the blindfold on. 

[00:14:16] Kenneth: Mm-hmm. 

[00:14:17] Lila: Like, did I get the clit ? Did I get it? 

[00:14:20] Kenneth: That’s why martial artist has, or athletes in general, but martial artist is, is a better, like, one-on-one fight, because most sexual situation between partner is two people, and that state of mind is very similar.

[00:14:33] Lila: It’s interesting; It reminds me of what Annie Lalla says. She does it in the language of love, right? 

[00:14:39] Kenneth: Mm-hmm.

[00:14:39] Lila: So she says, “True love is a dojo.”

[00:14:41] Kenneth: But to go back to your question about calibration, I don’t think is most people fault because, the intuition that most people have is, Let me do what worked in the past, right? 

[00:14:52] Lila: Mm-hmm. 

[00:14:52] Kenneth: Not because they’re intentionally being an asshole. So you might slap his last lover or girlfriend, and- 

[00:14:57] Lila: I’m sure he did. 

[00:14:58] Kenneth: And she is smiling with joy and he’s just applying basic logic. But unfortunately-

[00:15:04] Lila: It worked before. So it will work now. 

[00:15:06] Kenneth: Yeah. 

[00:15:06] Lila: And I’ve had the, the experience, the, the visceral experience that I sensed that you are not actually fucking me. You’re fucking like two people behind me. You know, you’re fucking two girlfriends ago and you didn’t evolve, and you’re not listening to me and you’re not paying attention to the fact that you have a different woman in front of you. 

[00:15:30] Kenneth: Because that work requires a lot of like cognitive function. To pay attention again, require effort. The effortless version of it is your habit. And that is easier, it lowers the price of entry for the experience, but it doesn’t necessarily make it good. People want to lose themself in a sexual experience.

[00:15:49] When people want to work on their sexual partnership, creating a play lab, like a moment where you’re actually intentionally spending that energy with effort, like trying to figure out what each other like, but you must have a separate kind of time-

[00:16:03] Lila: Container for that. 

[00:16:03] Kenneth: Container for that, because it is not necessarily more pleasurable when you are paying more attention.

[00:16:08] Lila: Right! Because it, I was just thinking it takes you out of it. It takes you out of it. And it really does because you’re trying to use a cognition that is… hyper attuned. 

[00:16:20] Kenneth: Mm-hmm. 

[00:16:20] Lila: Hack number four… Practice! Schedule, play lab time, sex practice sessions in which you can stop and go, try on different techniques, and verbalize perhaps far more than you’d like to when you just wanna be overtaken by passion, lust, and sensation. 

[00:16:38] Play labs are not that. Play labs are the lab coat and stethoscope of your sexual life. But just as scientific experiments can yield previously unimagined results, so too sexual experiments can expand your erotic palette exponentially, and then practice … practice is what makes any skill feel effortless.

[00:17:03] Instead of flowing with the feeling. Right. I know there are some people who go totally nonverbal when they’re enjoying their sexuality and they don’t want to speak and they don’t want to calibrate and they don’t want to consider technique. Right? So… what do you say to the people who think that ruins sex? 

[00:17:26] Kenneth: It does.

[00:17:34] Lila: I love you. 

[00:17:34] Kenneth: But for the moment, you know, like if I am a chef in the lab trying to develop a dish, that process is different than I perfected this dish and I’m serving it, you know? 

[00:17:45] Lila: Yeah. 

[00:17:45] Kenneth: Doing service. 

[00:17:46] Lila: Yeah. Becoming a yoga teacher ruined my enjoyment in my yoga practice for probably something like eight years.

[00:17:53] Kenneth: Yeah. But the point is that it does not take that much interruption in order to get it right. So if you are able to, to put the effort in the beginning… the big concept is called pleasure mapping, where you are identifying the neural layering, like where does the nerve lay in the genital? Some people like it a little bit on the left. Some people, like in the right, everybody’s little bit different. 

[00:18:20] Lila: It’s the location calibration. 

[00:18:22] Kenneth: Of the actual nerve. Some people’s knee pit is really sensitive.

[00:18:25] Lila: Mm-hmm.

[00:18:25] Kenneth: There’s always just a slight variance between people. So I have lovers that they’re like, not directly on their clitoris, like literally two and a half inch, like near their belly button is where that spot is. Right? 

[00:18:38] Lila: Near their belly button. Really? 

[00:18:39] Kenneth: Yeah. Uncommon. Right? I’m not saying that that is uncommon.

[00:18:41] Lila: You mean above the pubic hair? 

[00:18:44] Kenneth: Yeah. Right on the pubic mound, like a little bit higher. 

[00:18:46] Lila: Right on the mons pubis? 

[00:18:47] Kenneth: Yeah. I would say so. Like two inches above the clitoris, I would say. 

[00:18:51] Lila: Okay. 

[00:18:51] Kenneth: And high pressure. I think that’s where her dorsal nerve lies. 

[00:18:54] Lila: Oh, that makes sense! 

[00:18:55] Kenneth: The nerve right on the clit. So, the tip of the clit. On the glans. So it runs on the left side, on the right side and it goes up, back down. 

[00:19:03] Lila: So it’s the main pleasure nerve, basically. 

[00:19:05] Kenneth: On the c- 

[00:19:06] Lila: On the clit. 

[00:19:06] Kenneth: Yeah. And that nerves could run on left and run on the right. So that’s why toys like Zumio could really dial in on exactly where that nerve lies.

[00:19:14] Lila: I feel like it looks like the thing that you use to froth your drink at home, you know? 

[00:19:21] Kenneth: Yeah, a little bit. Cause it doesn’t vibrate. It spins. 

[00:19:24] Lila: And it’s just like a little alien probe on the end kind of thing. 

[00:19:29] Kenneth: But I haven’t found a more effective tool to locate where that nerve is. The thing about calibration, right? If I identify where the nerve is one time, it’s like I knew where I parked my car; I don’t have to think about this anymore. But if you didn’t know that, that is the right parking spot, you be looking, you’d be looking for like six hours or six months or six year and never find the right spot! If I am going by where I parked the car last week on every new lover, it doesn’t really work, right? So you have to just make the effort to know where things are for that individual one time. Then you kind of know like at least that’s one go-to. That is reliable, that is consistent. I have lovers that is like left and right under the clit. Like there’s so many variants, but once, you know, it just really takes a stress out of the whole thing. Some people like to be finger this way, but not that way. So the whole calibration concept is like, how do you actually calibrate? Location, pressure, angle and speed.

[00:20:27] Lila: Hack number five… calibrate. Try things, get feedback, make adjustments. Location, pressure, angle and speed. Shift your actions according to your own pleasure, what you perceive about your partner’s pleasure, and any guidance you get from asking “Little higher, little lower? Harder, softer? Direct, or from an angle? A little faster, a little slower?

[00:20:58] We are both friends with That Sex Chick. And she and Jordan do, I think it’s a weekly play testing, but I, I don’t remember what they call it.

[00:21:06] Kenneth: I call it PlayLab because of my brand. Actually Karen named it, my wife named it and I just find it playful and more fun.

[00:21:13] Lila: I like it. 

[00:21:14] Kenneth: So it takes a stress out of it. Some people call it sex lab. 

[00:21:16] Lila: That’s why when I have a coaching- 

[00:21:17] Kenneth: It’s the same concept-

[00:21:18] Lila: -coaching client I call it home play instead of homework. 

[00:21:20] Kenneth: Yeah. 

[00:21:21] Lila: Cause it’s play. 

[00:21:21] Kenneth: Yeah. Yeah. 

[00:21:23] Lila: But I love this idea, that you carve out a time that is not your spontaneous desire time. You start something that is scheduled, that is agreed upon, that when we do this, we are going to lab, we are going to workshop our pleasure together and then. Because it is a workshop… I wouldn’t go to a workshop of massage and expect that it’s gonna feel as good as when I pay a professional, right? I would expect, okay, I’m gonna learn stuff. They’re gonna be learning stuff and maybe they’re not as good as me, so it might not feel that great, you know? With the expectation that it is workshopping things and that you’re trying out things that may or may not go well, taking risks that you may or may not in your quote unquote regular sex life, you know, doing the, the off- kilter thing, right? Trying the slap across the face, trying the puppy play, trying the new stuff. 

[00:22:24] Kenneth: When I coach a couple live, I actually set up the session that way. So first it’s like really get to know them and get to know what their struggle is, and see, you know how I could hack this, right? In some way. But the first part is the first part of the hands-on session. I go like, the goal is to figure this out, like to have a lab. I want to remove any performance anxiety. There’s a different doing, like being on stage, right? Like this is my stage perform and I’m being recorded. The show is live. Like I want to remove all the energy like that, that anxiousness, cuz when you feel anxious, you don’t, you can’t get aroused, or you feel inhibited. 

[00:23:00] Lila: Or you’re outside of yourself watching yourself do stuff. And then you can’t feel inside your body. 

[00:23:04] Kenneth: So the goal is to have the lowest stake possible where you allow to make mistakes. And the goal is to make mistake. And like I always tell them, Hey, I want you to get the technique right to find how to calibrate until it feels good on your 8th try. Most of them get it on the 3rd, but I tell them 8. They normally good about it, they feel good about it, because most people take 8, you know.

[00:23:24] Lila: Is the goal really to make mistakes? The goal is to experiment. 

[00:23:29] Kenneth: Mistakes mean calibrating. So if it’s not left, then let’s move a little bit to the right. 

[00:23:33] Lila: That’s a mistake. I see. 

[00:23:34] Kenneth: That’s a mistake. 

[00:23:34] Lila: That’s what you consider-

[00:23:35] Kenneth: Yeah, yeah. But those are lessons because it’s like, am I getting closer to where I want to go? 

[00:23:41] Lila: Yeahhhh.

[00:23:41] Kenneth: Right. So I’m just recalibrating until the direction is recalibrated. But once it’s there, you know, stay with that, you know? And you only really need to discover, I would say, one to three sensation that is reliable. 

[00:23:56] Lila: Hack number six… Pleasure Map. Become a cartographer of your lover’s body. Learn which way this part curves and how that part likes to be fondled, while this bit likes to be grabbed whole palmedly, unless they’ve just gone to the gym, in which case some feather light fingertips will be much better received. And so on and so forth.

[00:24:22] Even take notes. Keep a sex journal. What other homework is more likely to yield such delectable results? The answer is none! No other homework will yield such delectable results. So: do this one.

[00:24:38] Kenneth: You know, I would ask most straight women out there, I don’t think they masturbate in that many variations. 

[00:24:43] Lila: Oh man, no.

[00:24:44] Kenneth: No, it’s like they have a couple go-to moves.

[00:24:46] Lila: I had a lover who was so rude about it though. He said, “Looks like you’ve been masturbating like that since you were 11.” And I was like, GASP! I mean, I have, but how rude! How dare you! 

[00:24:57] Kenneth: Most people fuck like they’ve been fucking like high school or college or whatever the case may be. Right, they- Adding new moves is tough. 

[00:25:02] Lila: They’re not learning new, new tricks. They’re not expanding the repoire. 

[00:25:06] Kenneth: Dr. James Pfaus, who wrote my forward, I love what he taught me about the idea of like conditioning and pleasure wiring. How you discover sexual pleasure and arousal get hardwired into your brain. That’s why your early sexual experiences- 

[00:25:20] Lila: Absolutely. 

[00:25:21] Kenneth: -really condition you towards a path, so, you might have 10,000 hours of practice masturbating that way. 

[00:25:27] Lila: Mm-hmm. 

[00:25:27] Kenneth: So it’s better that I find out how you do it and at least I know that reliable path. So I have that go to. And then, you know, there another great sex hack, when you have that beaten path that you know is reliable, is to add something new. 

[00:25:41] Lila: Hack number seven. Figure out their go-to masturbation technique and then add one thing.

[00:25:49] Kenneth: So for example, if you like rubbing your clit a certain way, you know that’s the go to, so you could use that to build arousal and edge yourself to like where you are about to come, but not quite there. And then you lower that sensation. Just say, if rubbing your clit creates a sensation, it’s reliable. And when you get to 9 is a place of no return and 10 is orgasm, we ride you all the way to like a 6, 7, 8, right? While introducing a new sensation- maybe it’s a G- spot fingering technique, maybe it’s the NJoy.

[00:26:22] Lila: Hack number eight, my favorite. Mmm. Edging. Increase the sensation until you are close to orgasm, but not so close that you’ll accidentally push yourself over the edge with another stroke or three and then diminish the sensation or stop it entirely. And build again. When I edge myself while masturbating, the eventual orgasm when I actually allow myself to come is magnificent!

[00:26:59] The NJoy Pure Wand is a curved stainless steel dildo that looks more like a piece of modern art than a sex toy, and it is in fact the only dildo I personally own. In my first year of living at Hacienda Villa, Kenneth described to me in detail how to use one, and I practiced giving myself G-region stimulation in my little treehouse loft bed for the very first time.

[00:27:24] Kenneth: Build that NJoy sensation along with the reliable one until your arousal is at like 7, 8, and then start lowering the sensation from the clit, and see if you could use the new sensation to tip you over. And once you do that, you tip it over, then your brain has a new path and go like, ‘Oh, I could come like that too.’ 

[00:27:43] Lila: Hack number nine… edge with a reliable pleasure sensation. Add the new one, and gradually decrease the go-to technique until you’ve created a new neural pathway for pleasure. See if you can use the new technique to bring your partner over the edge.

[00:28:05] So you taught me this. Yeah. And I did it. 

[00:28:07] Kenneth: Yeah. 

[00:28:07] Lila: Exactly in this way, right. So I always would, well I, I learned to masturbate with a faucet, so just direct pressure, 

[00:28:14] Kenneth: Uh-huh. 

[00:28:15] Lila: You know, and the same, same intensity until I came, and then, and then in frottage. 

[00:28:21] Vocab! Frottage is the word for rubbing your genitals against an object like a stuffed animal, which happens to be how a lot of children learn that their genitals can feel really good when they rub them. It can also refer to rubbing your genitals against, say, another person’s leg, or what people like to call dry humping, which really needs a rebranding.

[00:28:44] Do you have a better name for this delightful act in which you rub your genitals on someone else’s while you have clothes on? Because it is totally underrated and it’s some of the safest sex there is. And then sadly, frottage can also refer to a non consensually pervy rub of someone’s genitals against your backside in a crowded subway. Blechhh.

[00:29:09] So then I had the bean bag chair that I would, I would push into a little mound and then I would like hump it, until I came and I’m like, ‘Oh, that’s good. That feels good.’ And then I learned with my hand, and I will always use my right hand, I will always use my middle finger and I will always go in clockwise circles.

[00:29:30] You taught me that the dorsal nerve has two sides. So I didn’t know that until very recently, but I learned that I’m hitting both sides. 

[00:29:36] Kenneth: Mm-hmm. 

[00:29:36] Lila: And when I don’t hit both sides, cuz I experimented, like you said, try one side or the other. I was like, I don’t like it. It’s not good enough. So I’m like burning both my nerves at the same time. That’s how I experience a clitoral orgasm. That’s how I experience that pleasure. And then my experience of penis-in-vagina sex for so long was pain. Early on it was, well, the first time it was numbness because I asked him for drugs, Tylenol with Codeine; he gave it to me. And so it was just numbness and I didn’t feel anything. And I was like, That’s sex?! You know? And then, it was pain because, I would say it’s some unreal percentage, maybe 70% of the times that I have been penetrated: by hands, by fingers, or by a cock, I was not yet ready to be penetrated. And because of that, I, I think the walls of my vagina just clenched and tensed up, and every time there was going to be entry, I, I would reflexively tense, even though I would tell myself, you know, ‘Relax, it’s gonna feel better if you relax.’ And I would try to breathe deeply. And I would try to, I would try, but, much of the time, I, I couldn’t because it was simply too soon and, or they didn’t wanna use lube.

[00:30:54] I have been lube shamed by so many sexual partners, so many men, I can’t even tell you how many, have said, “Well, none of my other partners have needed it.” And I was like, “That they told you!” Like, you don’t know that! Because most people don’t know that they need more or that they can take more time, or that when they take more time, it’s a whole new world! It’s Aladdin! It’s the magic carpet ride, right? 

[00:31:24] And so, you taught me how to use the NJoy Pure Wand dildo. That’s still the only one that I use and the only one I’m really interested in using. And I did exactly that. I was with my clit, with my regular stimulation, my, my middle finger. And then I introduced the, the small end because it’s a stainless steel, it looks like a little, it looks like a large handle. And on one end there’s a ball about the size of um, like a kumquat.

[00:31:53] Mmm, kumquat. If you haven’t had one, you’re missing out my friend. 

[00:31:59] And then the other side, there’s a ball that’s a little bit more golf ball size, I feel like. And so I would use the kumquat size and, and start maneuvering it to tap the G-spot. And that was when I first began to feel anything, not pleasure yet, but anything at all really on the inside of my vaginal walls.

[00:32:22] There was one time, there was one man, he was a yoga teacher actually, who, who was able to make me wet enough that when he put his fingers inside me, I was like, “Wow! That feels great!” You know? But I, I practiced, because you and I were in the beginning years of living in our sex-positive intentional community, Hacienda Villa, and I was learning so much from you, and I felt comfortable to practice in my room.

[00:32:48] So it’s interesting, I, I still won’t be, as loud about my solo pleasure when I’m home or somewhere else as I would be if I were with a partner. 

[00:33:00] Kenneth: Mm-hmm. 

[00:33:01] Lila: Still some stuff about masturbation, even though I don’t have any qualms and I wasn’t told that masturbation was bad when I was a kid at all. I was told that in fact, it’s a good thing, just a private thing, you know?

[00:33:12] Kenneth: Mm-hmm. 

[00:33:13] Lila: But I started doing that and it is actually, so maybe that was, nine years ago now, or something like this. It’s only in the past year or so that I started to experience sensation on the inside that… that rivals that of my old standby clitoral stimulation. 

[00:33:36] Kenneth: That’s why sexual learning is so powerful. If people could look at sexuality, not very different than fitness, right? Fitness is something that you could work on and getting stronger over time, right? So if your hamstring is too tight, you could gain flexibility. 

[00:33:51] Lila: Hack number 10… Approach your sexual life the way you approach your fitness game. Learn, and then, train.

[00:33:59] Kenneth: What most people don’t know is what can they train. Like what can I do with my sexuality? 

[00:34:05] You could train your ability to pay attention to your sensation, your state of mind. Like are you relaxed enough to be aroused? I think that’s a really big thing- 

[00:34:15] Lila: Hack number 11… learn what makes you relaxed enough to feel aroused, and then help your partner or partners figure out what is required for them. 

[00:34:26] I think- 

[00:34:26] Kenneth: -for a lot of people- 

[00:34:26] Lila: self-soothing is a sexual technique.

[00:34:28] Hack number 12. This one’s from me. Figure out how to self soothe. What talks you down from your anger? What cradles you in your grief? What moves the river of your sadness so you can wade across the water? If you gain the ability to emotionally regulate, everyone you are in relationship with will benefit. And your ability to tap into desire, arousal, passion and pleasure will be exponentially increased.

[00:34:59] Kenneth: And that’s why is so important for people to feel good about their body, because your body image issue, no matter where you stand on that issue, is a absolutely requirement for sexual pleasure. When you don’t feel good about your body in the moment, it really takes you outta your, your sexual enjoyment. It’s very important for man to understand that. 

[00:35:21] Lila: Hack number 13, heal your body image. Get resources to help assuage body dysmorphia. Read the book, The Body Keeps the Score. Engage in somatic therapy. Hire a Cuddlist. Do mirror work in which you touch parts of your body that you find beautiful and sing your own praises in your own words, aloud, to your own self.

[00:35:48] Kenneth: And this might be a gross generalization, but there’s a lot of science to back that up about: female arousal has a lot to do with how they feel if they feel sexy. It’s not like, ‘Let me look at your dick, and I’m turned on.’ 

[00:35:59] Lila: As Esther Perel says, their turn on is to be the turn on. 

[00:36:03] Kenneth: Yeah, it’s to be the turn on. So if you can provide, like, making her feel sexy in a, in a straight context, it’s way more important than she think you are sexy. 

[00:36:13] Lila: Right! 

[00:36:13] Kenneth: So what can we worked on? Attention, right? Can we get our, our mind, our body into a erotic state that we are having enough psychological arousal and physical arousal. And then there’s like technique, like what, how can I, what kind of sensation feels good for me? What kind of erotic context or, or scenario turns me on? Is that like some people are really get turned on by sensuality; some people get really turned on by, power dynamic D/s kinky relationship. So it really depends on all those things. 

[00:36:44] Lila: That’s context, right? 

[00:36:46] Kenneth: Mm-hmm.

[00:36:46] Lila: That’s, you were talking about context. But technique is something else, right? Where do I place my body in relation to their body? What angle, you, and you talk about this, you give angles.

[00:36:56] Kenneth: I went on a crazy journey of, you know, writing this book and I feel so limited by 2D black and white diagram in a book, cause I taught fitness for a really long time. Like those things are in motion! It’s almost impossible to draw it that way. I go like, you know, let me hack this and put QR code to every diagram. So I could show people how you need to move internally, externally, and in different angles, so you could, you could really grasp what needs to happen. 

[00:37:22] Lila: So does every diagram in your book, have a QR code that links to a video? 

[00:37:28] Kenneth: Yeah, it links to a GIF on my website that shows that movement. Because you don’t, like you know if you’re learning a bench press or a squat, like you just need to see that one transition. 

[00:37:36] Lila: I think that’s good that it repeats it. 

[00:37:38] Kenneth: Yeah. Yeah. 

[00:37:38] Lila: Right, 

[00:37:38] Kenneth: Because that’s how they learn. 

[00:37:39] Lila: And that’s the benefit of the GIF. 

[00:37:41] Kenneth: So I basically borrow all the things that I learned from the fitness industry, then apply it to, to sex education, because the fitness industry have to teach people how to move, how to get in the right state to be a athlete, how to be in the moment because you know.

[00:37:58] Also, technique gets shit on a lot, talking about technique, because people go like, ‘Oh, it’s nothing to do with technique. You just like focus in the moment and everything flows naturally.’ 

[00:38:07] Lila: ‘Technique isn’t primal. Technique isn’t spontaneous.’ 

[00:38:10] Kenneth: Because it’s not sexy. 

[00:38:11] Lila: ‘Technique isn’t sexy.’

[00:38:12] Kenneth: I know, and because they have to pay the price of paying attention, like actually paying attention and go through that- 

[00:38:17] Lila: It’s costly. 

[00:38:17] Kenneth: Yeah, costly, do that learning curve. But I’m not saying spend the whole freaking time on it. 

[00:38:22] Lila: No!

[00:38:22] Kenneth: Just a little bit. So you could get to the calibration stage. 

[00:38:25] Lila: And it sounds like what you’re saying is: 20% more attention on technique and calibration will yield the 80% more results, right?

[00:38:34] Kenneth: Probably I would say 5% / 95%. Because you don’t have to do it that many time. You do it once, right. Until, at least find the one go-to that is reliable.

[00:38:44] Lila: For that person. For that partner. 

[00:38:45] Kenneth: For that person. Like at least one, right? Because if it’s not, then you just end up with sex without orgasm. It’s like taking someone out to dinner and they don’t get their food. 

[00:38:53] Lila: I mean, I don’t wanna be all orgasm focused because, you know, some people don’t experience orgasm. For some people, that’s not a reasonable goal. Some people cannot physically experience orgasm, but many of us want to have at least one orgasm in the course of a sexual experience, that allows us to have that, that high and that feeling of come down into satisfaction. 

[00:39:18] Kenneth: It’s tough because we, as educator, we want people to lower their inhibition, lower their attachment to a fixed outcome so they could actually perform. So, like if I’m telling a, football player at the Super Bowl: if they’re too attached to winning the game and they only fear about losing, ‘What if I lose?’ they’re gonna choke in their performance. So I think their strategy, they go like, ‘Oh, let me tell you not to focus on that so you perform better.’ I don’t know if that is the right coaching. I don’t know if it’s the right coaching to not emphasize it or lessen the importance of it. Or that’s not the only outcome that could be pleasurable.

[00:39:59] Lila: Well, maybe it’s both and. 

[00:40:01] Kenneth: Exactly. So I don’t like those like binary answer. Like: orgasm is not important. It is. But if you too focus on it, then you choke. That’s why you coached it that way. Not because orgasm is not important to most people; I think it’s quite important, but I’d rather give them some hacks that pro athlete use, not to have performance anxiety or function pressure. ‘Cause function pressure is like, ‘Oh, I need to come; I need to feel something.’ And when you in that zone, you’re not tapping into your own pleasure. So I think the right coaching is better then just tell them is not important.

[00:40:34] Lila: Well, it’s important for a lot of us. 

[00:40:36] Kenneth: Yeah! I would say, yeah. 

[00:40:37] Lila: A lot of us, not all of us, but a lot of us. Definitely important to me. And having recently experienced… just, it, feels like a video game. It feels like level unlocked, right? 

[00:40:50] Kenneth: Mm-hmm. 

[00:40:50] Lila: And the level unlocked is multiple orgasms in a single session with someone in all different kinds of positions. Somebody asked me if I thought that it, that was just me, my sexual development. And I’m like, ‘No, it’s not on my own. It is. It is partner related. However! The fact that I know, as you were saying, the first time, say you, you are like me and you only had clitoral orgasms, the first time you have a G-spot orgasm, you go, ‘HOLY SHIT, THAT’S POSSIBLE! My body can DO THAT?!’ And if your body can do that, then it can do that again. And I think that’s, that’s the confidence building that I’ve experienced lately where I’m like, my body can do that. My body is capable of really expansive, orgasmic pleasure and multiple times. And I thought that that was a party trick.

[00:41:42] 

[00:41:48] Lila: So remember how I said last time that Positively Sex! is produced by Dylan Fagan for iHeart, mixed and mastered by Andrew Howard, and every episode is researched, written, recorded, hosted, and edited by me, Lila? That is 90% still true, or it is true of nearly every episode. Except this one! This episode was also researched, written, hosted, and edited by me, Lila, and the interview portion was recorded by Katherine Cook at CDM Studios in New York, New York. Hashtag Baby’s First Studio Recording. I have photos. Check Instagram. 

[00:42:29] PS! If you have anyone in your sexual life who owns a pussy, dive into Kenneth’s work by using my personal link in my Instagram bio. You can find me on the gram at @horizontalwithlila. And anyway, you wanna follow me over there for all the scintillating visuals, episode announcements, behind the scenes photos.

[00:43:00] So head on over and see if Kenneth’s Pleasure Hacker Pro would be a worthwhile investment in your erotic life. 

[00:43:08] I’ve learned so much about my own body from Kenneth. I’ve leveled up in my self-pleasure as well as my partnered pleasure. I’ve been a well fucked beneficiary of his practical sex education and expertise, and personally uplifted from the depths of my life by his friendship.

[00:43:29] Now, I cannot guarantee that he will be your chosen family as he is mine, but. I can in all confidence assure you that his work will lead to your most pleasurable life. I recommend it with the intensity of a thousand suns. And one last thing, darling. 

[00:43:48] If you benefited from this episode in any way, if you learned anything, if you got turned on like I did, making it, if you were entertained, won’t you leave me a little love note in the form of a 5-star Apple Podcasts review?

[00:44:02] Help others find the show. Be an intimacy warrior. Join me in my mission to make the world a more intimate place. Meow meow meow!

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[00:44:14] Lila: How many people still call you Bunny? 

[00:44:33] Kenneth: Like 5 or 10 maybe. Karen calls me Bun Bun all the time. 

[00:44:37] Lila: Yeah. Bun Bun’s nice. 

[00:44:39] Kenneth: Yeah.

[00:44:39] Lila: I don’t know. I just see you and I think ‘Bun Bun.’ 

[00:44:41] Kenneth: Yeah. My tiny butt. 

[00:44:45] Lila: Oh, you do kind of have a tiny butt. 

[00:44:47] Kenneth: Yeah. It’s very narrow. Very narrow butt.