When you’re hooking up with a new partner or exploring a new dimension of your desires, what you want and what you think you want isn’t always so black and white.
Sexual health influencer and host of the “Horizontal with Lila” podcast, Lila Donnolo, suggests thinking in primary colors instead.
“[The game] Stoplight is derived from the kink community’s practice of safe words. In many kink environments, saying ‘Yellow’ signifies slow down or back off, and ‘Red’ signals a hard stop,” explains Donnolo.
According to Donnolo, the rules work like this:
Have your partner lie down on a comfortable surface, and invite them to express any physical or emotional boundaries they might have.
“For instance, the other day I said that the inside of my mouth, ears, and nose were off-limits, that I did not want any hard impact, and to stay away from my belly,” she says.
Now experiment with the quality, speed, intensity, and location of your touch, moving from body part to body part based on your partner’s previously discussed limits and their responses throughout the game.
“Try things you’ve never done before. Explore with other body parts than hands,” she suggests. “How can you touch your partner with your hair? Your buttocks? Your nipples only? Repeat each individual touch until your partner responds with a Green, Yellow, or Red. Of course, if you get a very enthusiastic Green, you may wish to continue for a while.”
The most important part, according to Donnolo, is to pay special attention to the “Yellow” responses. Use these reactions as an opportunity to learn and better understand what turns on or even triggers your partner.
“When a yellow arises,” she explains, “ask your partner whether the resistance is physical: it’s uncomfortable, or too much pressure, or not the optimal spot for this type of touch; emotional: a hand around their throat, for instance, could bring up feelings, or mental/social: ‘what would so-and-so think’, ‘good guys don’t do this’, etc.”
Donnolo points out that a “Yellow” or “Red” response isn’t necessarily personal, but instead a good starting point to create a trusting relationship — one that could segue into an intense connection.
“If the Yellow is emotional, use this as an opportunity to dive deeper with your partner into the source of the resistance,” she explains. “Maybe they need to build more trust before indulging in that sort of touch. Maybe they need you to know about a trauma they’ve experienced before sharing that part of their body with you. You can ask them if there’s anything you could alter in what you are doing that would turn that Yellow into a Green. There might be.”
As the game comes to a close, think like a kinkster. Use what you’ve learned to show respect and understanding for your partner, which can only bring you closer and more sexually in-tune.
“Do more research. Try to find at least a few Yellows or Reds. And then switch,” says Donnolo. “You can time your turns — say, 10 minutes each — or simply continue until the time feels right. Formally close the game by concluding with a long, still hug and synchronized breathing, for grounding purposes.”
