glossary — horizontal with lila

horizontal at Cycles & Sex L.A., an event pretty much all about pussies, not bicycles

an incomplete, evolving glossary of working definitions of oft-misunderstood terms***

***These are my personal definitions, and not intended to be a textbook-like resource. (Feel free to contact me with edit suggestions!)

abortion doula (noun) = a person who provides empathy, counsel, wisdom, emotional support, and sometimes physical presence during the process and shortly afterwards, to someone undergoing an abortion procedure. Unlike a birth doula, an abortion doula is typically a volunteer.

AF (abbreviation) = stands for As Fuck and serves as an amplifier to any phrase that comes before, denotes that phrase in great quantity, volume, or intensity.

AFAB (abbreviation) = stands for assigned female at birth.

aftercare (noun) = the affectionate pampering practices offered to a person who has just had an orgasm, or who has just completed a BDSM scene of some emotional intensity — acts can include cuddling, swaddling, offering nourishing food and drink, verbal positive reinforcement, caresses, bathing, tending to wounds, speaking about or otherwise releasing emotions, etc.

agape (noun) = universal love, usually referring to God or nature (from the ancient Greek).

AMAB (abbreviation) = stands for assigned male at birth.

ambivert (noun) = a person who displays introverted and extroverted tendencies at different times; one who sometimes recharges their energy in the company of others, and at other times recharges alone.

anal swab (noun) = in the context of getting tested for sexually-transmitted infections, many of which can exist in one’s anus (independent of other areas), through anal contact with infected body parts, the anal swab is a vital test, yet not typically included in a regular STI checkup. You must ask for it specifically.

aperture (noun) = on a camera, the opening which allows light in, which can be opened or closed. Lila uses it to refer to emotional / sexual / romantic openness, which can be expanded or contracted, depending.

asexual or ace (noun) = a person who self-identifies as being without sexual attraction to or desire for others and little to no interest in engaging in sexual acts.

ASMR [Autonomous Sensory Meridian Response] (noun) = a phenomenon in which a person’s voice makes one’s head fizz and skin tingle.

BDSM (noun, abbreviation) = a shorthand for an array of erotic practices, which abbreviates the words Bondage and Discipline (sometimes abbreviated as B/D), Dominance and Submission (sometimes written as D/s), and Sadism and Masochism (sometimes abbreviated as S&M).

bicurious (adjective) = sometimes referred to as a 1 or 2 on the Kinsey scale, the characteristic of being intrigued by the possibility of sexual/romantic interaction with someone of the same sex.

bi-romantic (noun) = an identity in which a person feels romantic love for male and female-gendered people, though not necessarily sexual desire for both.

blue balls (noun) = a phenomenon claimed / experienced by some penis-owners in which their organ feels pain after becoming aroused for a period of time without being brought to ejaculation. Often cited for the purposes of psychologically coercing another into sex.

body dysmorphia (noun) = when one person’s visual perception of some aspect of their body or visage is outlandishly out of proportion with what other people see, engenders obsession, and requires exceptional measures to hide or correct.

body-positivity (noun) = a movement that celebrates all body shapes and sizes as well as the changes a body undergoes throughout time. Prioritizing self-acceptance, this point of view affirms the inherent worthiness of all bodies, regardless of their visual forms, and particularly focuses on reclaiming a celebration of fat bodies.

body sovereignty aka self-ownership (noun) = the right to do with one’s body and life as one pleases. Particularly relevant to #metoo and in the education of children, this directly correlates to the concept that it is not okay for someone to engage with us sexually against our will.

bottom (noun) = referring to a person and/or position (sexual or non-sexual) that is physically, emotionally, or mentally receiving the energy from the top position; for instance in homosexual relationships between cock-owners, the receiver of anal penetration. Sometimes also used to refer to the person in a submissive sexual role within BDSM, but they are not always synonymous.

bramacharya (noun) = in the Hindu and yogic philosophies, the Sanskrit word bramacharya refers to either: total celibacy, or, simply restraint in the way one uses one’s sexual energies.

bratty sub (noun) = a submissive person who enjoys acting out childlike displays of rebellion during a kink scene

#checkyourboys = a hashtag representing a movement against toxic masculinity which encouraged men to stand up to their male peers and call them out on sexist, misogynistic ideas, jokes, and language. This movement is predicated on the idea that, though women bear the brunt of sexual harassment, it isn’t a women’s issue— it’s a men’s problem.

cafuné (noun) = the Brazilian Portuguese word for acts of affection that focus on the hair and scalp.

catching feelings (verb, sort of) = the act of developing romantic, emotionally-attached feelings to a casual sex partner, who is quite possibly an unsuitable or unavailable person

celibacy (noun) = a practice in which a person consciously chooses to abstain from sexual activity (which could include, but is not limited to: penetration, oral sex, masturbation, sexting, and fantasy) for a pre-determined period of time, or a lifetime (as in the case of monks and nuns). This may be chosen for the purpose of breaking a harmful inter-relational pattern, because of religious beliefs, or as a regimen believed to encourage creativity by channeling sexual energy into art.

cervical orgasms (noun) = a type of orgasm in which the opening of the cervix is stimulated with pressure from fingers, a dildo, or a penis

cervical self-exam (noun) = an examination performed by the cervix owner, during which they can typically see their vaginal walls and cervix with the aid of a speculum (which come in sizes small, medium, and large).

chlamydia (noun) = one of the most common sexually-transmitted infections in the United States, chlamydia is often symptomless, and passed unknowingly through sexual contact. It can reside in the cervix, the urethra of a penis, the rectum, or the throat, and can cause permanent damage to the reproductive system of a person with a vagina.

chosen family (noun) = the web of people one isn’t related to by blood, yet feels so intimately connected to as to consider family.

cisgendered (adj.) = a person whose biological (birth) sex corresponds comfortably with their gender identity and gender expression.

citta (noun) = a Sanskrit word, variously translated into English as consciousness, mind, and perception, from the root word “cit,” translated as, “to perceive.” Can also refer to the heart as an organ of perception and emotional register. Translations are many.

clinical quickie (noun) = a Lila-ism referring to a brief sexual encounter devoid of passion, care, or intimacy

clitoris (noun) = the part of the vulva and vagina (both internal and external) that only serves a single purpose: pleasure.

code switch (verb) = the act of changing the manner, tone, syntax, accent, vocabulary, and sometimes language (or version of language) that one uses, in order to be accepted and blend in with a group.

“come hither” motion (noun) = a gesture created by turning the palm face-up and curving the pointer and middle finger, sensuously and repeatedly towards one’s body, beckoning. Used to stimulate the g-spot in those with a vagina, when the vagina-owner is supine (belly-up). If they are prone (belly-down) then the same motion performed to stimulate the g-spot is dubbed “go there,” because of how the gesture resembles that suggestion when the palm is facing down.

comet(s) (noun) = a person, usually a lover, who enters our life quickly, brightens it in a flash, and then just as quickly, disappears — perhaps to be seen/enjoyed again at a later date, but also, perhaps not.

commune (noun) = a kind of intentional community in which members pool resources and share responsibilities, often working alongside one another on a farming or manufacturing project, or another sort of group-owned business

community (noun) = a group of three or more people, and love, exponentially multiplying the potential of human reality.

compersion (noun) = often described as “the opposite of jealousy,” compersion is a term that polyamorous and ethically nonmonogamous (enm) people use to describe the experience of feeling joy for their partner’s joy, particularly as it refers to the partner’s sexual or romantic exploits.

conscious uncoupling (noun) = a romantic break-up characterized by clear communication, compassion, and positive regard, i.e. to break up in such a way that the separation empowers the people involved, and they can remain friends, even co-parent together amicably. The term was popularized by the marriage therapist Katherine Woodward Thomas.

consensual nonmonogamy [abbreviation: cnm] = a term often used interchangeably with ethical nonmonogamy, the consensual practice of relationship styles that allow for sexual and/or romantic interactions beyond a dyad, inclusive of hierarchical polyamory, non-hierarchical polyamory, solo poly, swinger lifestyles, and other radically honest relationship styles.

consent (noun) = freely-given permission, verbal or otherwise, to interact sexually in a particular form with another human.

consexual experience = a portmanteau word combining “consensual” and “sexual” — a consensual sexual experience. [Samia’s word, accidentally]

constellation (noun) = the series of interconnected romantic / sexual relationships that span out from a nonmonogamous person.

cream pies (noun) = a sexual act involving barrier-free ejaculation into an orifice (often, a vagina or anus). In pornography, often signaled by ejaculate oozing out in a creamy fashion.

cuckholding (gerund) = a consensual sexual activity in which the male (called the cuck) in a heterosexual dyad receives pleasure from the “humiliation” of watching his partner (often, wife) receive sexual gratification from another man (the bull), sometimes accompanied by verbal comparisons to the bull in which the cuck fares poorly. The bull is often younger, has a larger penis than, and is of a different race than the cuck.

cybering (verb) = the act of sending sexual messages back and forth in real time, or engaging in virtual sex, by means of computers. Mostly an outdated term, used during the early days of the internet.

death grip (noun) = the phenomenon in which a person with a penis becomes accustomed to masturbating with such an extremely tight hold on their member, that they often find themselves in the position of being unable to come when engaged with a mouth, a vagina, or even an anus, because it cannot provide the same pressure.

de-gender (verb) = the practice of actively removing gendered language (typically, pronouns), expectations (gendered colors or ways of dressing), and associations, by making things gender-neutral.

demisexual (noun, adjective) = a person who is, or the quality of being, sexually attracted to people only after some amount of familiarity and emotional intimacy has been established.

demo bottom (noun) = a person who performs the bottom position in a BDSM workshop / tutorial / class / demonstration, in which the instructor performs the top role. Sometimes they also consent to being practiced on by those who are learning. In the case of rope bondage, sometimes dubbed a “rope bunny.”

dispositional jealousy (noun) = jealousy ingrained in the personality as a character trait.

Diva Cup (noun) = a menstrual cup (name brand), used in place of tampons and pads, which is inserted into the vagina to catch the blood in a little reservoir. It can be easily removed, emptied, sterilized, and re-inserted.

Dom (noun) = a male-identifying person who directs a BDSM, fetish, or fantasy-oriented play scenario, often the counter-role to a submissive. [female-identifying version of the same is referred to as a Dominatrix, or domme]

Dominatrix (noun) = aka a Domme, a female-identifying person who directs a BDSM, fetish, or fantasy-oriented play scenario, often the counter-role to a submissive. [male-identifying version of the same is referred to as a dom]

Domly Doms (noun) = typically referring to a know-it-all Dominant male type in the BDSM with “credibility” and swagger to a cartoonish degree.

double penetration (verb) = the sexual act of either a) filling two of the orifices on one person simultaneously (such as the vagina and the anus, with, for instance, two penises — the most common use of the term) OR b) filling one orifice with two objects (such as a penis and a dildo, a penis and a finger, two penises, etc.)

doula, or, birth doula = a person who provides empathy, counsel, wisdom, anatomical expertise, emotional support, and physical presence during the birth process and shortly afterwards.

dry humping (verb) = two bodies rubbing against one another, genital-to-genital, but with clothing in between. Totally under-rated sex act, in Lila’s book.

DTF = an acronym for the phrase “down to fuck” [colloquial]

DTR (acronym) = standing for Define The Relationship, DTR refers to a conversation between the people involved in a romantic / sexual relationship which has the outcome of either choosing a label for the relationship (“primary partners” or “friends with benefits,” for example) or defining the parameters of the relationship (“We won’t fuck anybody else in our city, but we’ll give each other a hall pass while traveling.”)

DP (noun) = an abbreviation for the term double penetration, often referring to simultaneous penetration (with a cock or a sex toy) of the vagina and anus of the same human, but can also refer to a combination of oral penetration, vaginal/anal, or penetration by fingers/fist.

dyad (noun) = a couple in a romantic/sexual relationship.

dyspareunia (noun) = the clinical term for pain during penetrative sexual activity.

emotional incest (noun) = a relationship in which a parent relies on a child for the emotional support usually provided by a spouse or partner. [This is a controversial term, accused of incorrectly inflating the statistics on child abuse.]

endometriosis (noun) = a disorder, quite common in the U.S., in which uterine tissue (the womb lining) grows outside the uterus.

enthusiastic consent (noun) = the clear, explicit agreement — mutual, keenly-expressed, freely-given in sound mind, and revocable at any time — to engage in an act (often, a sexual and/or kinky one), free of coercion, manipulation, physical force, or deception.

eros (noun) = sexual, passionate love (from the ancient Greek).

ethical nonmonogamy [abbreviation: enm] = the consensual practice of relationship styles that allow for sexual and/or romantic interactions beyond a dyad, inclusive of hierarchical polyamory, non-hierarchical polyamory, solo poly, swinger lifestyles, and other radically honest relationship styles.

ethical slut (noun) = from the seminal book on ethical nonmonogamy, The Ethical Slut, one who is sexually-expressed with great frequency and variety, most often with the full knowledge of, and always with the consent of, all sexual partners. Ethical sluthood includes respectful practices like disclosing known STI statuses, honoring agreements made between ongoing partners, and radically honest communication.

external reference = checking in primarily with external factors, which can include other humans or imaginary humans and their feedback, in order to gauge the way one is relating to the world, make decisions, and take action.

feefees (noun) = a jokingly pejorative nickname for feelings [Mistress Leigh]

feeling yourself aka feelin’ myself (verb) = the act of noticing one’s own foxiness and glory (current, colloquial)

feelings ambush (noun) = a barrage of intense emotions hurled at someone (likely a lover) with no regard for timing, setting, or social propriety [Lila’s term]

femme boy (noun) = a feminine boy, one who identifies with both feminine and boyish qualities, regardless of the sex they were assigned at birth.

Femme-Domme (noun) = typically refers to a non-professional, female-identifying dominant in a BDSM context

femme-presenting (adj.) = typically used to denote a queer person who costumes themselves with the culturally-recognizable markings of femininity, such as long hair, skirts, high heels, and make-up and/or who performs mannerisms that are culturally considered feminine, e.g. crossing the legs above the knee while sitting, or swishing the hips while walking

fertility awareness method (noun) = a form of birth control (or fertility advantage) in which the person with a vagina can very accurately predict when they are ovulating, by checking the position of their cervix, their vaginal temperature, and vaginal secretions.

fetish (noun) = a person, object, or idea that holds an unusually powerful (often sexual or sensual) association.

fetishize (verb) = the act of creating a strong attachment to a particular person, physical characteristic, body part, object, or idea and equating this with the fulfillment of an (often sexual) desire.

fictive kin (noun) = the technical term for chosen family, or chosen kin, people who, without being related by blood, function as the kind of support network that is socially-expected from a family unit.

Fin-Domme (noun) = a financial Dominatrix, one who controls the finances of another in the context of kink play.

flagging (verb) = the act of signifying sexual orientation or interests through some bit of costuming (e.g. handkerchiefs, keys, collars, and currently: Crave Vesper vibrator necklaces). More prevalent during the eras in which that orientation or interest is considered more taboo — for instance, the gay male hanky code of the 60s and 70s.

Fleshlight aka “male masturbator” (noun) = a long, cylindrical masturbation sex toy for penis-owners. Designed to be penetrated, it simulates the texture and constriction of a vagina, or an anus, and is disguised in the form of a flashlight, or other household item, such as a soda can.

flogger (noun) = a BDSM tool with the appearance of an oversized tassel comprised of a handle, and many thick strands, usually made of leather, utilized in impact play and other sensation play

fluid-bonding (noun) = referring to sexual partners that engage in genital-to-genital or genital-to-anus contact without using a barrier such as a condom or dental dam, and typically resulting in some kind of ejaculatory fluid having direct contact with the genitals or anus of said partners

folx (noun) = an affectionate, nongendered way to refer to a group of people, particularly people who have been marginalized in American culture.

footnoting (verb) = a thought-practice developed by Love Coach Annie Lalla, in which a person mentally give’s their parents credit in their mind, when they notice themselves doing or being something that they can relate back to (footnote) some quality, attribute, or lesson from their parents.

friends with benefits (noun) = an arrangement (often implicit) in which friends sometimes have sex or to some degree “fool around,” typically without romance, declarations of love, or a DTR (define the relationship).

frottage (noun) = from the French “rubbing, friction,” commonly used to refer to the act of rubbing against somebody in a crowd, for pleasure.

g-spot (noun) = found inside those with a vagina, the internal clitoris, also known as the urethral sponge or Skene’s gland, a ridged protrusion from the anterior wall of the vagina, often stimulated by two inserted fingers, palm up (typically the pointer and middle finger) making a “come hither” motion.

gangbang (noun) = a consensual, pre-arranged sexual scenario in which all of the physical attention is focused on one recipient, often a cisgendered straight, heteroflexible, or bisexual woman, or a gay man, and designed to overwhelm them with sensory input and pleasure through different configurations of bodies.

gaslighting (verb) = the act of discrediting the story of another person (and perhaps, thereby, causing them to question their own experience of reality, their sanity, or their memory), often by calling them crazy or delusional.

gaydar (noun) = gay raydar, the skill of intuiting when another person is gay.

gender expression (noun) = the way in which a human performs their gender, through costume, mannerism, and activity.

gender identity (noun) = the gender someone feels like on the inside, which may or may not align with their biological sex and the social norms of gender expression.

genderqueer (adjective) = signifying a person who recognizes gender as a concept to be experimented with in cheeky and unexpected ways, and thus, does not conform to traditional gender norms. Often mixing masculine and feminine signifiers, clothing, and pronouns, genderqueer folx tend to do so with humor.

generational trauma aka transgenerational trauma (noun) = trauma inherited from one’s family, passed down from the first generation of survivors, and reverberating through the lives of the following generations.

genital herpes (noun) = known clinically as HSV1, genital herpes can affect both the mouth and the genitals. It is a common virus which causes sores (most often around the anus and genitals) and can be passed even while sores are unapparent, through a process called viral shedding. Mostly transmitted through sexual contact.

GGG (Good, Giving, and Game) = An acronym coined by the advice columnist Dan Savage to describe the three requirements of a great lover — skilled, generous, and adventurous.

ghosting (noun) = the increasingly common activity of completely ceasing all communication with someone without warning or explanation.

glory holes (noun) = common in bathrooms frequented by gay men, particularly during eras in which homosexualiaty was heavily sanctioned against, these are circular holes cut through, for instance the wall of a bathroom stall, in which a penis-owner could insert their penis, and potentially receive an anonymous blow job.

gonorrhea aka “the clap” or “the drip” (noun) = one of the most common sexually-transmitted infections in the United States, gonorrhea can lead to infertility. Often symptomless and passed unknowingly through sexual contact by semen, pre-cum, and vaginal fluids. It can reside in the cervix, vagina, penis, anus, throat, urethra, and even eyes.

gonzo journalism (noun) = a type of immersive, first-person reporting characterized by the writer’s participation in the subject of their work, popularized by Hunter S. Thompson.

“go there” motion (noun) = a gesture created by turning the palm face down and curving the pointer and middle finger (could also be a single finger or additional fingers), sensuously and repeatedly away from one’s body, gesturing outward and downward. Used to stimulate the g-spot in those with a vagina, when the vagina-owner is prone (belly-up). If they are supine (belly-up) then the same motion performed to stimulate the g-spot is dubbed “come hither,” because of the way the gesture resembles a beckoning when the palm is facing up.

grey asexual or Gray-A or grace or gray ace (noun) = a person who self-identifies as somewhere between experiencing no sexual attraction / desire to experiencing sexual attraction / desire sometimes.

grey demisexual (noun) = a person who is somewhat, or the quality of being somewhat sexually attracted to people only after some amount of familiarity and emotional intimacy has been established. The word grey here is borrowed from the term grey asexual and is used to mean that the person has demisexual tendencies, but, for instance, may also have the capacity to become aroused by strangers as well, under certain circumstances. [Lindsey Doe used the composite term to refer to Lila.]

handfasting (noun) = a historically Pagan ceremony to proclaim a committed engagement period of a year and a day.

hanky code (noun) = a color-coded system of handkerchiefs worn by gay males during the 60s and 70s, to discreetly signal to potential partners about the sexual acts and positions they were interested in engaging in.

hall pass (noun) = just like a hall pass in high school, which allows a student to be “out of bounds” (in the hall, in the bathroom) while they are supposed to be in class, the term refers to permission granted by a partner — with whom one typically has a monogamous relationship — to knowingly allow another partner to have a sexual encounter outside of the relationship, in very specific instances, such as when traveling, or with a long-fantasized-about celebrity.

hard point (noun) = a stable, secure point (often in the ceiling), from which the suspension of a human body is reasonably safe.

Hepatitis C / HCV (noun) = an inflammation of the liver caused by a viral infection, passed from person-to-person through infected blood. It can be sexually-transmitted due to open cuts, menstrual blood, or genital sores.

heteroflexible (adj.) = a person who, while primarily engaging in heterosexual romantic and/or sexual relationships, will occasionally engage (usually sexually) with members of the same sex, trans folx, or nonbinary people — typically during group sex, while at a party or other festive occasion, or while under the influence of mind-altering substances.

heteronormative (adjective) = characterizing or relating to a societal worldview in which heterosexuality, and the customs, behaviors and practices surrounding it (e.g. marriage), is considered the acceptable, preferred, and normal way.

Hitachi Magic Wand (noun) = originally designed as a back massager, now considered the pre-eminent vibrator for external clitoral stimulation

holding space (verb) = the act of witnessing, of compassionately listening or simply being present with another human being, without feeling the need to express opinions, make suggestions, or take action to make things “better,” i.e. showing up for what is present within another person, without attempting to change it — while knowing that the act of showing up and accepting what is there, may very well change it.

hook suspension (noun) = raising a human body into the air / holding a body up by hooks placed through piercings.

HSP aka Highly Sensitive Person (noun) = one who is extraordinarily responsive to all kinds of stimuli, highly emotionally reactive, deeply empathetic, and hyper-aware of their surroundings.

HSV1 aka herpes simplex virus 1 (noun) = commonly known as oral herpes, although it can affect both the mouth and the genitals, HSV1 is an exceedingly common virus which causes sores (often around the mouth and lips and sometimes called “cold sores”) and can be passed even while sores are unapparent, through a process called viral shedding. Often transmitted through kissing or sharing eating utensils.

HSV2 aka herpes simplex virus 2 (noun) = commonly known as genital herpes, although it can affect both the mouth and the genitals, HSV2 is a common virus which causes sores (most often around the anus and genitals) and can be passed even while sores are unapparent, through a process called viral shedding. Mostly transmitted through sexual contact.

impact play (noun) = a type of kink in which the recipient receives impact upon their body (often on the buttocks, arms, and legs) by a body part (often a hand) or an object (e.g. a flogger, a riding crop, a cane).

in-condom (noun) = more commonly referred to as a “female condom” and (through a preposterous lack of sex education and the downfalls of capitalism), currently only available by prescription in the United States, is typically made of polyurethane or nitrile. As not everybody who could use an in-condom identifies as female or calls their innie bits a “vagina,” in-condom is a preferable trans-aware moniker.

inner lips (noun) = the two proximal lips of the vulva, scientifically called the “labia minora,” which is a misleading term, since on many vulvas, these lips are actually longer, and therefore, less “minor” than the outer lips. They can be differentiated from the outer lips by their position, and by their “squishy” mucus membrane texture.

innie bits (noun, slang) = a preferred trans-aware term with refers to genitalia as one might refer to a belly button, either as an innie, or an outtie, or both.

intentional community (noun) = living together on purpose in accordance with common ideals, in order to offer everyone roots and wings.

internal reference = checking in primarily with oneself and one’s own thoughts and feelings to gauge the way one is relating to the world, to make decisions, and take action.

intimacy education (noun) = teachings designed to foster empathy and loving connections, centered around the expression of feelings, compassionate listening, the expression of desires, drawing boundaries, asking for and giving consent, methods for giving and receiving pleasure, the art of touch, the different kinds of love, non-violent communication, fighting fair, conflict resolution, and how to break up nicely.

introitus (noun) = the technical term for the entrance to the vaginal canal.

jazz hands (noun) = a gesture, named after the Bob Fosse-style dance hand position of open palms with spread fingers and either a rapid waving of the hands, or a twinkling of the fingers. When used in a BDSM or kink scenario, it can be a nonverbal safe word, a signifier that the submissive is getting close to an edge / has reached a point in which they want the play to stop or slow down.

key parties (noun) = gatherings at which heterosexual couples play a partner-swapping game. At the outset of the night the males placing their car or house keys in a bowl, and at the end of the night, the females pull a set of keys from the bowl, and go home with the key owner. Popular amongst middle class white couples in the 70s.

kibbutz (noun) = a communal living arrangement in Israel, typically a farm, where people work and live together deliberately.

kinkster (noun) = a playful name for a person who identifies as kinky.

kinky (adj.) = the characteristic of enjoying sexual or sensual behaviors that are outside the bounds of social norms, are uncommon, or, though common, aren’t socially acceptable.

Kinsey scale (noun) = a spectrum of sexuality that ranges from fully heterosexual (having no interest whatsoever in “same” sex sex, considered a 0) to bisexual (having interest in “both” sexes sexually, marked as a 3) to fully homosexual (having no interest whatsoever in sex with the “opposite” sex, denoted by a 6).

labia majora (noun) = the scientifically-recognized terminology for the two outer lips of the vulva. This is misleading, because on many vulvas, the inner lips, or labia minora, are actually longer. And thus, more “major.” It is proposed that these be simply called the “outer lips.” They can be differentiated from the inner lips by their position, and potentially by the presence of pubic hair.

labia minora (noun) = the scientifically-recognized terminology for the two inner lips of the vulva. This is misleading, because on many vulvas, the outer lips, or labia majora, are actually shorter. And thus, more “minor.” It is proposed that these be simply called the “inner lips.” They can be differentiated from the outer lips by their position, and by their “squishy” mucus membrane texture.

la petite mort (noun) = a phrase used to refer to an orgasm, literally translated directly from the French as “the little death.”

LGBTQIA aka LGBT aka LGBTQIAPD (acronym) = an evolving acronym referring to those who are not represented by heterosexuality or gender binaries. The acronym began as LGBT (Lesbian / Gay / Bisexual / Transgender) and becomes ever more inclusive of sexual and gender identities as it evolves. QIA (Queer OR Questioning / Intersex / Asexual OR Aromantic OR Agender) and PD (Pansexual / Demisexual) have recently been added.

libertine (noun) = one who is sexually free, and/or adventurous, an alternative to the synonym “slut.”

lingam massage (noun) = a massage of the penis, testicles, perineum, and sometimes includes the prostate.

love-bombing aka romance-bombing (verb) = the practice (most commonly engaged in by narcissists and pick-up artists) of inundating a nascent romantic/sexual relationship with effusive affection, extravagant praise, and lavish gestures. It is a form of manipulation that can make someone believe they have found The One, and that they can only be romantically fulfilled if they are in relationship this person— thus, it can be a form of gaslighting.

love feast (noun) = a happening during which a banquet of yummy finger foods is available for the partaking, on the condition of two rules. 1) No talking, and 2) You cannot feed yourself.

loveprint (noun) = the particular ways in which a human gives and receives love, a topography as individual and finely-detailed as their fingerprint. [from Annie Lalla]

lover (noun) = a possible alternative to the word slut, referring to a person who is happily sexually expressed with great frequency and variety, e.g. “He’s a lover. She’s a lover. They’re a lover.”

ludus (noun) = playful love, or love as a game (from the Latin).

#metoo = a movement intended to expose the insidious pervasiveness of sexual violence, assault, and harassment against women. Originated by an organization (Just Be Inc.) and the accompanying movement created by Tarana Burke in 2007 and revived as a hashtag by Alyssa Milano in 2017 on the social media service Twitter, it crystallized into a globally unprecedented era of speaking out.

manscape (verb) = a play on the word “landscape,” the act of trimming and / or shaving one’s pubic hair / body hair, particularly around the balls, but also possibly the chest, between the buttocks, etc. [colloquial]

masochist (noun) = a person who derives physical, emotional, or mental pleasure from receiving physical, emotional, or mental pain or sensation; may actually experience pain itself as pleasure; often the counter-role to a sadist.

medical abortion (noun) = a non-surgical termination of pregnancy, which induces the uterus to dispel its contents, through medicine, typically a regimen of two pills taken separately.

meet cute (noun) = the first time the two protagonists of a romantic comedy meet in some adorable, quirkily perfect scenario.

meet messy (noun) = Bevin’s phrase, a playful spin on the term meet cute, which refers to the first time the two protagonists of a romantic comedy meet. In a meet messy, as opposed to a meet cute, things are far from adorably, quirkily perfect.

Menu of Sensory Delights (noun) = organized like a restaurant menu, including sections such as: appetizers, entrees, and dessert, this document is written by an individual (often in advance of a saturation or other kinky play) to encompass many — if not all — of their most favorite ways to receive pleasurable stimulus. The menu includes stimulation for all five senses: touch, of course, but also taste, smell, sight (even if the darkness of a blindfold), and hearing.

metamour (noun) = the lover of your lover.

microaggression (noun) = a subtle act, which often takes the form of an ostensibly “innocuous” comment, which betrays an underlying racism / discrimination. Members of marginalized groups, such as people of color, and those in the LGBTQIAPD community, tend to experience a myriad of microaggressions daily.

middle-distance relationship (noun) = a romantic relationship in which those involved live less than 100 or so miles from one another but more than, say, a 30-minute commute— not far enough away to truly be long-distance, not close enough to just be dubbed a “relationship.” [Lila’s term for her former Southampton / Brooklyn relationship.]

mischief (noun) = a group of Villans (humans who live at the Hacienda Villa intentional community), so named in the style of: a gaggle of geese, a pride of lions, or a kaleidoscope of butterflies — a mischief of Villans.

MMF (abbreviation) = short for a Male / Male / Female threesome.

monoamorous (adj.) = having an emotionally loving romantic/sexual relationship with only one person.

monogamish (adj.) = a term coined by Dan Savage to refer to a mostly monogamous relationship style that includes occasional dalliances with other lovers

mons (noun) [abbreviation for mons pubis] = the little mound of tissue that cushions the pubic symphysis of the pubic bones and lies beneath the pubic triangle. Dubbed the mons Venus, or mound of Venus, when referring to the more prominent mound on those with a vulva.

muggles (noun) = a term borrowed from the world of Harry Potter (in which it means non-magic people, or those who are not witches or wizards). Used by members of sex-positive / kink communities to refer to those outside the community, more likely use to refer to those with a sex-negative or vanilla attitude.

nipple orgasms (noun) = the actual, physiological orgasmic response, stemming solely from stimulation of the nipples.

nonbinary (adj.) = a person who rejects identifying with either binary of gender expression — male or female — who instead expresses their gender identity androgynously, by mixing signifiers of societally-expected male and female expression, or by dressing in a manner that denotes a rejection of gender entirely.

NRE (abbreviation) = New Relationship Energy, also known as: infatuation.

octopus monogamy (noun) = a sexually and romantically exclusive relationship between two people, characterized by an intertwining of all aspects of their lives, in a way that resembles octopus tentacles wrapping around one another and suctioning on. [Lila’s term, inspired by Peter]

oral herpes (noun) = known clinically as HSV1, oral herpes can affect both the mouth and the genitals. It is an exceedingly common virus which causes sores (often around the mouth and lips and sometimes called “cold sores”) and can be passed even while sores are unapparent, through a process called viral shedding. Often transmitted through kissing or sharing eating utensils.

oral swab (noun) = in the context of getting tested for sexually-transmitted infections, many of which can exist in one’s mouth (independent of other areas), through oral contact with infected body parts, the oral swab is a vital test, yet not typically included in a regular STI checkup. You must ask for it specifically.

orbiting (verb) = the act of ghosting someone [see: ghosting] yet continuing to interact with their social media presence, e.g. watching their Instagram stories.

orgasm denial (noun) = a sexual practice, usually employed by Dominants / Dommes / Sadists, in which a play partner is brought to the cusp of orgasm and then forbidden to come.

orgasm gap (noun) = the unfortunate phenomenon by which female-identifying humans have on average, orgasms only about half as many times as their male-identifying partners during hookups, and about 80% of the time in the context of romantic relationships.

orgy (noun) = group sex consisting of sexual interactions between five or more people, aka a “moresome.”

out (noun) = typically denoting the state of one’s sexuality (or unconventional gender expression / unconventional lifestyle) being public knowledge. i.e. out of the closet

out-condom (noun) = more commonly referred to as a “condom,” (as though it were the only kind), this form of birth control, typically made of latex or polyisoprene, sheaths the penis (or, outtie bits) and provides a contained receptacle for ejaculate. Very occasionally referred to as a penis condom or male condom, but, since not everyone with such anatomy prefers to call their genitalia a penis, or considers themselves male, out-condom is a preferable trans-aware moniker.

outercourse [noun] = sexual and erotic acts intended to induce pleasure without penetrating the orifices of the body (can include dry humping, caressing, oral sex, etc.).

outer lips (noun) = the two distal lips of the vulva, scientifically called “labia majora,” which is a misleading term, since on many vulvas, these lips are actually shorter, and therefore, less “major” than the inner lips. They can be differentiated from the inner lips by their position, and potentially by the presence of pubic hair.

outtie bits (noun, slang) = a preferred trans-aware term which refers to genitalia as one might refer to a belly button, either as an innie, or an outtie, or both.

open relationship (noun) = the umbrella term for any romantic and/or sexual relationship in which those involved are able to be romantic and/or sexual with others, while remaining within the bounds of their agreements.

P-in-V aka P-i-V (noun) = slang / abbreviation for penis-in-vagina sex.

pansexual (noun) = a person who, recognizing gender and sexual identity to be a spectrum rather than a binary, finds themselves sexually attracted to folks regardless of where they inhabit the spectrum.

pegging (verb) = anal penetration of a person (typically a penis-owner) by another person (typically not a penis-owner) utilizing a strap-on — which consists of a dildo and a harness which is “strapped-on” to the pelvis, and worn in a similar fashion to underwear.

penis envy (noun) = the premise, supposed by Sigmund Freud, that people with vaginas covet the genitals of people with penises. [controversial]

philautia (noun) = self-love, of the hubris or the self-esteem variety (from the ancient Greek).

philia (noun) = friendship love (from the ancient Greek).

pick-up play (noun) = a sexual encounter at a sex party, aka a play party, that often involves a stranger, is not premeditated, and typically does not involve any already established partners.

Planned Parenthood (noun) = a web of clinics in the United States that provide free / low cost birth control, abortion access, STI tests, and reproductive care. Utilized by many underserved populations, and legions of people without health insurance.

play (verb) = a euphemism for engaging in sexual acts, e.g. “I played with him at the last Hacienda party.”

play party (noun) = a party in which sexual and sensual acts are welcomed and celebrated, i.e. a sex party.

poly/mono relationship (noun) = a romantic/sexual relationship in which one person identifies as polyamorous (having many loves and/or sexual partners) and the other identifies as monogamous (having one love and/or sexual partner). Both consent to the relationship despite its seeming unevenness.

poly-adjacent (adjective) = being close to polyamorous people in proximity, or polyamorous relationships in ideals (Lila’s term).

polyamory (noun) = multiple loving, simultaneous, committed relationships, with the full knowledge and consent of all those involved. [colloquial abbreviation: poly]

polyamory, hierarchical (noun) = a relationship style in which the simultaneous, consensual relationship roles are clearly defined in order of priority, such as primary partner and secondary partner, or primary, secondary, and tertiary partners. Sometimes the people in the primary relationship hold “veto power” over their primary’s other relationships.

polyamory, non-hierarchical (noun) = a relationship style consisting of multiple loving, simultaneous, committed relationships, in which the practice of ranking one’s multiple partners in order of priority is rejected.

poly, solo (noun) = a relationship style in which a person retains their polyamorous identity along with the corresponding values of honesty and transparency, during times when they aren’t involved in committed romantic or sexual relationships.

polysaturated (adjective) = slang in the polyamorous community for: I’m pretty full up on lovers / romantic relationships at the moment.

polysexual (noun) = a person who, recognizing gender and sexual identity as a spectrum rather than a binary, finds themselves sexually attracted to some, or many, but not all, genders and sexual identities.

poly transition (noun) = the concept that, in polyamorous relationships, the end of a romantic or sexual partnership / liaison doesn’t have to signal the end of a connection between the people involved — instead it can be a time to transition to a relationship with different parameters, ways of interacting, and expectations.

pragma (noun) = practical love (from the ancient Greek).

PREP (noun) = a drug developed for the prevention of the transmission of HIV, often taken when a person is having sex with a partner whose HIV status is known to be positive (i.e. a serodiscordant relationship), and/or, when a person is having sex with multiple partners of high-risk but unknown HIV status.

Pro-Domme (noun) = an abbreviation of the term “professional dominatrix.” [the spelling “domme” typically denotes a female-identifying dominant person]

quarter loops (noun) = popular in the 70s in the United States, these were porno booths with an occupancy of one (sometimes containing glory holes), that allowed the viewer to watch a porno a couple of minutes at a time, for a quarter per. In order to continue, you had to keep feeding quarters to the machine.

queer (noun) = the Q in LGBTQ, a person who either rejects sexuality labels entirely, or identifies outside of heteronormativity, the gender binary, binary genitalia, and/or the sexual spectrum. For example the spectrum could include Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Pansexual, Polysexual, & Heterosexual, and Asexuality may exist outside of those identities.

RACK / risk-aware consensual kink (noun) = an acronym often used in the BDSM world. Incorporating the understanding that any kink practice and/or any sexual act carries with it inherent risks — some to a greater degree than others — this phrase denotes full knowledge of the risk factors involved in any act, and an agreement by all involved to take those risks.

rape (verb, noun) = the act of forced, unwanted sexual intercourse, often under the threat of violence.

rape culture (noun) = refers to a foundation of patriarchal ideas on which toxic masculinity can flourish, women’s bodies are seen as objects for men to desire, control, or manipulate, and sexual harassment and abuse abounds, as well as victim-blaming and gaslighting, because the desires and agency of the women in the society aren’t respected.

reflective listening = a communication practice involving 1) listening to another person’s statement, 2) verbalizing your interpretation of what they meant, and 3) checking in with them to see if it is true, not true, or partly true, and what you may have missed, then 4) repeating the process until your understanding of what they mean is precisely what they say they mean.

relationship agreements [noun] = a living document that clears up expectations or assumptions about a relationship, by declaring the ways that you will live your lives together and interact. It can include anything from “What does marriage mean to you?” to “How do we handle finances?” “What are our expectations around gender roles?” “How do we handle conflict?” “How do we parent?” “How do we connect intimately?” If in multiple relationships, it can include how you will manage those relationships at the same time. You also agree on how often to reevaluate your agreements— for instance, yearly, seasonally, or monthly

relationship anarchy (noun) = an approach to relationships characterized by the rejection of labels, hierarchy, and societally-imposed rules and / or a philosophy that resists any tendency to rank romantic, sexual, and platonic relationships.

relationship escalator (noun) = a perceived requirement that a romantic relationship must continue to “ascend” steadily towards marriage. Beginning with flirting, then proceeding to dating, exclusive dating, moving in together, engagement, marriage, and children.

relationship of consequence (noun) = a romantic relationship that is not casual, that matters, one that you are feeding and being fed by, and still sitting in the presence of the mystery of as well, but not trying to dodge what the relationship is trying to offer you, what you’re trying to offer it, and what it is trying to offer the world. [Matthew Stillman’s definition]

respectability politics (noun) = honed by people of marginalized identities, especially people of color, these politics are characterized by conformity to the social norms / appearance / dress / societal expectation / manners / education / etc. of the majority (often, of white people) for the purpose of survival.

rhythm method aka periodic abstinence (noun) = a relatively ineffective form of birth control that relies on the calendar to predict the time of ovulation, assuming that a menstrual cycle will continue to be perfectly regular, thereby not taking into account extenuating factors such as travel and stress. In the rhythm method, abstinence is used as birth control during the predicted ovulation time.

risk-tolerance (noun) = one’s ability to tolerate uncertainty and / or danger.

romance-bombing aka love-bombing (verb) = the practice (most commonly engaged in by narcissists and pick-up artists) of inundating a nascent romantic/sexual relationship with effusive affection, extravagant praise, and lavish gestures. It is a form of manipulation that can make someone believe they have found The One, and that they can only be romantically fulfilled if they are in relationship this person— thus, it can be a form of gaslighting.

root chakra (noun) = the area of the body at the base of the spine (between the genitals and the anus and along the first three vertebra), considered in yogic philosophy to be the energy center that correlates to grounding, safety, home life, and survival (basic human needs, money, etc.).

SSC aka safe sane and consensual = common terminology in the BDSM world, thought to be requirements for a healthy scene. Some kinksters prefer the term RACK (risk-aware consensual kink), which takes into account the fact that sometimes the play is actually unsafe, yet consensually agreed-upon by people who understand the danger they are trafficking in.

sadist (noun) = a person who derives physical, emotional, or mental pleasure from giving physical, emotional, or mental pain or sensation; often the counter-role to a masochist.

safer sex (noun) = with the full recognition that sexual activity is inherently risky, and that there is no way to make sex completely safe (from STI’s, unwanted pregnancies, and emotional complications), the practices and precautions one takes to mitigate these risks.

safer sex conversation (noun) = recognizing that sex is an inherently risky act, a safer sex conversation is a talk that ideally occurs before sexual activity takes place, and includes information such as: the last time everyone involved was tested for STI’s, current STI status, sexual engagement since the date of last testing, whether parties have been using birth control and what form of birth control, whether parties have been using measures for STI prevention with previous partners, which measures, and whether they would like to use those measures or other measures during this encounter, etc. It can also include sexual preferences like kinks, which may involve other risk factors that merit discussion.

SAMS [abbreviation for smart-ass masochists] (noun) = also sometimes (arguably) dubbed a “bratty sub,” a SAM enjoys resisting the established power play dynamics in a scene or scenario by talking back, employing sarcasm, or taunting the other person/people in a scene.

saturation (noun) = a curated event, during which sensual and/or sexual attention and sensation play is focused on a single pleasure recipient in accordance with their written Menu of Sensory Delights and the toolkit available on hand.

scene (noun) = a consensual, predetermined sexual or kinky scenario during which the players take on particular roles, governed by the agreements between all involved. This may or may not be played out in a semi-public setting, such as a fetish party.

scissoring (verb) = a form of tribbing — frottage, or genital rubbing, taking place between two vulva-owners with their legs splayed apart like scissors and interwoven to allow genital-on-genital contact.

sensation play (noun) = denotes a range of kinky play designed to arouse the senses, from tantalizing scents and scintillating sounds, to physically “pleasurable” sensations such as feather tickling and flower petal-stroking, to “painful” sensations such as candle wax dripping, nipple clamps, electric shocks, or impact play, e.g. with floggers or riding crops.

seroconcordant relationship (noun) = a sexual relationship in which those involved have the same HIV status.

serodiscordant relationship aka mixed-status (noun) = a sexual relationship in which those involved have different HIV status, e.g. one positive and one negative.

service top (noun) = often a submissive person who is in the top position (i.e. delivering sensations or dominance) but with the motive to please the person in the bottom position or another dominant that is involved in the scene.

sessioning (verb) = conducting a — typically private — professional domination gig, or, session.

sexiled (noun) = the state of being barred from a room, typically one’s college bedroom, because others are having sex there.

sex magick, or, sex magic (noun) = the process of using the potent energy created by sexuality (often, masturbation) in order to influence the outcomes of things.

sex-negative (noun) = the default attitude that sex is inherently somehow dirty, shameful, or uncouth.

sex-positive (noun, adj.) = a commitment to dispelling the shame surrounding sex through sex ed, open dialogue, the celebration of all genders and sexual orientations, and the affirming of all relationship structures and sexual acts between consenting adults.

sexting (verb) = an explicitly sexual text message, which may or may not include nude photographs and/or pornographic video clips.

sexual assault (noun) = an act of unwanted, nonconsensual sex forced upon an unwilling recipient, or one incapable of providing consent (for legal reasons, due to mental health status, or because the perpetrator is in a position of power). This could include oral sex, groping, frottage, etc.

sexual debut (noun) = synonymous to “losing your virginity,” but with a sex-positive intonation, e.g. “I had my sexual debut when I was 19.”

sexual disgust (noun) = a repellant, repulsed feeling at the thought of (or the act of) sexual interaction with a particular human being

shadowbanning (verb) = aka stealth banning, ghost banning, or comment ghosting, the act of blocking a person / their posts from a community on the internet, without them realizing it.

shibari (noun) = the art of Japanese rope bondage.

siphilis (noun) = a fairly uncommon sexually-transmitted infection these days in the United States, siphilis, if untreated, can lead in the long term to brain damage, paralysis, blindness, or heart issues. Since the first two stages involve sores (called chancres) and a rash, it is often passed unknowingly through the sores, and untreated until the third stage, when it can do organ damage. It can reside in the vagina, penis, scrotum, anus, lips, or mouth.

situational jealousy (noun) = jealousy aroused due to an incident or a circumstance.

situationship (noun) = an ongoing uncommitted sexual and/or romantic relationship, more casual than partnership but not so casual as fuckbuddies. Largely occuring amongst millenials, this kind of relationship is typically private, unseen on social media, and predicated upon the fact that nobody involved tries to create parameters, define it, or label it a relationship.

skin hunger (noun) = the sometimes lonely, possibly empty, feeling of longing a person may experience when their need for human touch is unfulfilled or under-fulfilled.

slide into the DM’s = when a conversation on a social media platform (in this case, Instagram) transitions from public posts to private messages (DM abbreviates the term “direct messages”), usually for the purposes of flirting.

slow sex (noun) = a sexual practice designed to heighten pleasure throughout the whole body by de-emphasizing the importance of orgasm.

slut (noun) = a person of any gender who is sexually-expressed with great frequency and variety.

sluthood (noun) = the state of being a slut and the great frequency and variety of sexual partners and encounters involved.[celebratory term]

slut protocols (noun) = slutty rules of engagement, such as no sleepovers, no weekend getaways, and only seeing/communicating with lovers at intermittent intervals.

social calculus (noun) = the mental deliberation process a person undergoes when making choices that will impact others socially, a weighing of risk and reward that premeditates action

spare (verb) = when one person, feeling certain that sexual or romantic involvement would certainly hurt an object of their desire / affection, decides not to engage in that way with that person, as in, “He spared me.” [Lila]

speculum (noun) = a device, somewhat resembling a c-clamp with a beak (the parts that enters the vaginal canal are actually called bills) and typically made of clear plastic or metal, which is used to perform gynecological examinations and view the vagical walls and cervix. Though it comes in small, medium, and large sizes, this is not common knowledge. Typically uncomfortable in its non-ergonomic design, the device is currently being redesigned by those who have cervixes.

spin the bottle (noun) = a kissing game, usually played by pre-teens in the United States. A bottle is placed on the floor. The person whose turn it is gives the bottle a spin, and they are expected to kiss whomsoever the bottle neck points to when it stops spinning. They kiss in front of the group, and then the next person spins.

sploshing (noun) aka WAM [wet and messy] = a predilection for being profusely doused in substances, often, food.

spring cleaning (noun) = a practice, created by Mama Gena in her work with her School of Womanly Arts, of emotional release, by choosing a topic that is troubling you to speak on, stream of consciousness-style, witnessed by another person who holds space for you. Typically, when the stream of consciousness comes to a pause, the person holding space will give a “pull” by saying, “Thank you. What do you have on ________ (the topic you are spring cleaning on)?” Most often, there are 7 pulls / 7 rounds to release.

squirting (verb) = the act of vaginal ejaculation.

stags and vixens = a sexual activity, similar to cuckholding, in which one partner of a heterosexual dyad (typically the male partner) receives pleasure from watching their partner engage sexually with another man. Unlike cuckholding, which involves elements of humiliation and prohibits the voyeur from physically participating in the sexual activity, the male partner might join in later.

starfish (verb) = when one person spreads themselves across a bed like the Vitruvian man, or, naturally, a starfish. This can make it challenging for their bed-sharers.

statutory rape (noun) = a legal term referring to unlawful, but not forced, sex with someone under the age of consent (which varies by state in the United States), though typically past the age of puberty. In many states, the statutory rape laws are prosecuted regardless of the relative age of those taking part — which means that two 14 year-olds engaging in consensual sex can both be prosecuted for doing so.

storge (noun) = familial love (from the ancient Greek).

strap-on (noun) = a sex toy consisting of a dildo and a harness which is “strapped-on” to the pelvis, and worn in a similar fashion to underwear. Often thought of as a tool for lesbian sex, to vaginally-penetrate a partner with a penis-shaped object when there is no penis involved, a strap-on can be used in various scenarios: to double the penises that one penis-owner has, in service of DP (double penetration), to enhance the girth of an existing penis, to involve an erect penis-like object if the present penis is not erect, and for pegging.

submissive (noun) = a person who follows directives in a BDSM, fetish, or fantasy-oriented play scenario (scene), often the counter-role to a dominant.

subspace (noun) = a blissfully altered state, the quality of surrendering control so completely that one enters “flow.” Typically used to refer to a pinnacle experience enjoyed by a submissive in a BDSM scene. Potentially characterized by extreme sensual pleasure, a feeling of peace, the diminishment or eradication of thoughts, and increased pain tolerance.

surgical abortion (noun) = a termination of pregnancy that involves removing the contents of the uterus by surgical means, most commonly through suction.

survivor (noun) = a person who has withstood trauma (often used in the context of sexual assault, fires, shootings, the Holocaust and other tragedies).

suspension (noun) = a kink scene in which the submissive is lifted off of the ground and hangs in the air, typically through the use of ropes, chains, or hooks.

swamping (noun) = a practice, created by Mama Gena in her work with her School of Womanly Arts, of emotional release of the sticky, stuck, “negative” emotions through a DJ’d movement journey using available props, like a garbage bag, pillows, pool noodles. Typically guided by a facilitator, who can check in to see if the participants need, for instance, another anger song, it concludes by bringing the participants back into their turn-on with sexy music, thereby, bringing them up out of the “swamp.”

swinger(s) (noun) = a member of a couple practicing a monoamorous relationship style which allows for sex with other couples, typically in a two-on-two configuration and only when one’s partner is present.

switch (noun) = a person who alternates between dominant and submissive, top and bottom roles in their relationships, scenes, and scenarios.

swamping (verb) = engaging in a practice, created by Mama Gena in her work with her School of Womanly Arts, of emotional release of the sticky, stuck, “negative” emotions through a DJ’d movement journey using available props, like a garbage bag, pillows, pool noodles. Typically guided by a facilitator, who can check in to see if the participants need, for instance, another anger song, it concludes by bringing the participants back into their turn-on with sexy music, thereby, bringing them up out of the “swamp.”

taint (noun) = the perineum, the area of the body between the genitals and the anus, nicknamed the ‘taint because it ain’t the balls, it ain’t the anus, or similarly, it ain’t the pussy and it ain’t the ass.

tantra (noun) = a Sanskrit word (the root of which, “tan,” translates to something like, “to spread, expand, weave”) which classically refers to esoteric traditions of Hinduism and Buddhism. In a modern context, tantra is much more likely to denote engagement in certain intimacy and sexual practices (such as eye-gazing and synchronized breathing), with the perspective that sexuality can be an expression of the sacred.

tantrika (noun) = a female-identifying person who practices the tantric arts — often, but not always, tantric sexual rites.

they / them / theirs (pronouns) = gender-neutral pronouns for a person who does not identify with the gender binary. May also be used when one doesn’t wish to assume someone’s gender.

Tiger Mom (noun) = a mother of Asian descent, typically Chinese, who is characterized by extolling education and worldly success above all things, being stingy with praise, and brutally driving her children towards excellence.

TLM (Time-Limited Marriage, abbrev., noun) = a marriage contract for a predetermined amount of time (7 years, 5 years, 3 years), offering those involved the option to renew, or not to renew, when the contract has concluded

top (noun) = referring to a person and/or position (sexual or non-sexual) that is physically, emotionally, or mentally giving the energy from the top position; for instance in homosexual relationships between cock-owners, the giver of anal penetration. Sometimes also used to refer to the person in a dominant sexual role within BDSM, but they are not always synonymous.

toxic masculinity (noun) = the attitude in a patriarchal society that women are weaker or otherwise inferior to men (as evinced by their tendency to become emotional) and thus, having emotions is socially sanctioned against for men and boys, because it makes them “more like a girl.” This attitude promotes homophobia and leads to violence against women (as well as those perceived as not being masculine enough, such as gay men).

trans (adj.) = a human who, feeling their gender identity to be disconnected from the societal norm expected from those with their biological sex, offers a different gender expression to the world. [formal, transgender]

tribadism (noun) = the practice of a variety of sexual positions between vulva-owners that involve genital rubbing, or frottage, either genital to genital, or genital to other body part (save the mouth, since that has its own terminology).

tribbing (verb) = the act of a vulva-owner rubbing genitals with another vulva owner — most commonly seen in pornography as the act of scissoring, in which the legs are splayed open like scissors and interwoven to allow genital-on-genital rubbing — but which can be accomplished in many other positions, including misssionary.

tribidist (noun) = the Victorian term for lesbian.

trinity (noun) = a practice, created by Mama Gena in her work with her School of Womanly Arts, of sharing 1) a gratitude, 2) a brag or breakthrough, and 3) an intention or wish.

uncanny valley (noun) = the experience of uneasiness or disgust when one encounters a strikingly human-like, yet nonhuman, figure, such as a robot.

unicorn (noun) = a (rare, magical) person who dates a couple (most commonly refers to a bisexual woman who dates a male/female couple)

unicorn-hunting (verb) = a somewhat derisive term used to describe the process of a couple going on the prowl to find a person to have sex with both of them.

unicorn-tunity (noun) = a portmanteau word, comprised of “unicorn” and “opportunity,” denoting the chance to have sex with a couple

(the) upper limits problem (ULP) = a natural human tendency, given the thousands of years of accustoming ourselves to notice the next threat quickly and to expect things to go wrong, to limit the experience of feeling blissful joy. ULP is also about not allowing yourself to expand your capacity to give and receive positive energy because you don’t know how and haven’t seen effective examples of people enjoying long periods of things going well. To give you an example, much like a thermostat has a setting that prevents the temperature from rising too high, we have upper limits that we’ve learned unconsciously that prevent us from being too happy, too in-love, too comfortable, etc. When we get close to reaching our upper limits, we do something (project our feelings, start an argument, take a victim position) that brings the relationship down to a more familiar level. – as defined by Katie & Gay Hendricks, the authors of Conscious Loving

urethral opening (noun) = on a body with a vagina, the urethral opening, through which urine exits the system, is located between the external clitoris and the vaginal opening. On a body with a penis, the urethral opening can be found in the head.

urethral sponge (noun) = the tube of erectile tissue surrounding the urethra, located on the anterior wall of the vagina. Ridged in texture, it is commonly known as the g-spot, and also known as the g-crest. Can be stimulated with a “come hither” motion performed by one or multiple fingers.

vaginal de-armoring (verb) = the process by which, through vaginal mapping and pelvic release work, the vaginal canal relaxes, and becomes a source of pleasure

vaginal fissures (noun) = tiny abrasions in the skin of the vulva, that feel like paper cuts and typically occur when a vulva experiences friction without adequate lubrication.

vaginismus (noun) = a condition in which the pelvic floor muscles of one with a vagina spasm and contract in response to pressure or physical contact (from / with a finger, a penis, a tampon, etc.).

victim-blaming (verb) = holding a victim of a crime, an accident, or abuse responsible (partly or wholly) for that which has been inflicted upon them.

villagemindedness (noun) = the mentality (possibly derived from the adage, “It takes a village to raise a child.”) in which — instead of the primacy of the nuclear family unit or the dyadic relationship — the responsibility of support and care is both expected of and received from the community. Stephen Jenkinson, in his book Die Wise: A Manifesto for Sanity and Soul, describes it this way: “a mythically mature and binding mutual life.”

Villan(s) (noun) = a person, or persons, living in the intentional community Hacienda Villa. [affectionate nickname]

voyeur (noun) = one who gets aroused by watching others engage in sexual activities, sometimes from the vantage point of being “hidden.”

Wartenberg wheel, or pinwheel (noun) = a spiky tool, somewhat resembling the spurs on cowboy’s boots, which was originally designed to test neurological pathways in patients, and is also used by those who enjoy sensation play in order to deliver pinpoint prickly feelings to the skin, without marking it.

wax play (noun) = the process of using warm or hot wax, dripped upon the body, to produce erotic sensation through temperature

weblining (verb) = the practice of refusing financial services (such as payment processing, loans, etc.) to businesses related in any way to sexuality, i.e. unlawful discrimination, which disproportionately affects female and LGBTQI-owned enterprises.

whorephobia (noun) = the fear, hatred, oppression, violence perpetrated against, and stigmatization of people (often women, both trans and cisgender) who have performed sex work or are perceived to. Can affect also: sexually free persons, those who don’t follow the sexual mores of the day or the sexual mores of their community.

wizard sleeve (noun) = according to urban dictionary, slang for a vulva when the inner lips protrude past the outer lips.

woo-woo (adjective) = slang for spiritual, New Age, or esoteric (outside of the realms of mainstream religion), typically jocular or pejorative.

yoni (noun) = a representation of female genitalia, symbolizing Shakti, the Hindu goddess of creation. Often used by yoga teachers and New Age spiritual seekers to refer to the vulva.

ze / zir / hir (pronouns) = gender-netural pronouns for a person who does not identify with the gender binary. May also be used when one doesn’t wish to assume someone’s gender.