This is Pamela Clare Wylie Samuelson. As seen by Lee Free & Kelly Horrigan handmade.
50. your pussy is not a sheath: horizontal with a vagina whisperer
Welcome back to horizontal! I missed you. This is the podcast of intimacies recorded while lying down, wearing robes. It aims to make private conversations public in order to dispel shame, diminish loneliness, and alchemize connection.
Lila: Did you have some sort of pad underneath you?
Pamela: Oh yeah, I had towels, I had like, big folded (laughs) towels, which I bled all over.
Lila: And then, you’re showing them on a screen?
Pamela: No, I’m showing them, in person.
Lila: But, they can’t see your cervix unless there’s some sort of screen—
Pamela: A flashlight.
Lila: Right?
Pamela: No! With a speculum, it opens the vaginal walls, enough that you can just look and see someone’s cervix— the same way that a gynecologist would see it during an exam.
Lila: Whoaaaa!
Pamela: Exactly the same. So I would hand somebody in the room a flashlight or I would hold a flashlight, and then they could see all the way into my cervix. And then, I gave speculums of the sizes that people preferred — there’s small, medium, and large — which most people didn’t know, exists, ‘cause, when you go to the doctor, there’s just the one size, usually.
[…]
Yeah so people got to pick their own size of speculum and then I guided everyone in the room through doing their own cervical self-exam with a mirror and a flashlight.
Lila: WOW!
Pamela: Which was cool— most people had never seen— nobody, actually, that I taught, had ever seen it before.
Pamela giving an anatomy lesson on her own body.
Lila: I’ve never seen it and I wish I had joined you.
Pamela: It was cool. A lot of people were very stoked, and a lot of people were very moved, there were women who cried, in sort of realizing how damaged they felt by their interactions with their gynecologists and—
Lila: Yess! And that’s why I really should have, because— when we met in the all-gender restroom, and you said that that’s what you were doing … and then parted from me, I came out of the restroom and I thought about what it would be like to— I was wearing a one-piece, jumpsuit, and I was like, “Oh boy, I’m gonna have to take off all the things and—“ (Pamela mmhm’s, Lila giggles) And, I was thinking about … inserting … ‘cause I just, I mean I only in the past two and a half years … became interested in using a dildo. Before then I just didn’t— I never wanted to put anything inside me, which made — I now do a Diva Cup, but made every time I put a tampon in a miserable experience, made every gynecological appointment something that I cried or held back tears or held back tears while it was happening, because it was always so very uncomfortable—
Pamela: Oy.
Lila: — and so, the thought of learning to look at my cervix, or being able to explain to a care provider how it would feel more comfortable to me—
Pamela: Yeah.
Lila: — had me tearing up and I don’t know why I didn’t go, not— wanting to take off my jumpsuit is really not enough of a, (both laugh) of a good reason. I’m disappointed in myself.
Pamela: I mean, it’s not too late. I have speculums in my car.
cervical self-exam (noun) = an examination performed by the cervix owner, during which they can typically see their vaginal walls and cervix with the aid of a speculum (which come in sizes small, medium, and large).
speculum (noun) = a device, somewhat resembling a c-clamp with a beak (the parts that enters the vaginal canal are actually called bills) and typically made of clear plastic or metal, which is used to perform gynecological examinations and view the vagical walls and cervix. Though it comes in small, medium, and large sizes, this is not common knowledge. Typically uncomfortable in its non-ergonomic design, the device is currently being redesigned by those who have cervixes.
* buying through my affiliate links is a form of patronage, as I’ll receive a small percentage!
Welcome back to horizontal! I missed you. This is the podcast of intimacies recorded while lying down, wearing robes. It aims to make private conversations public in order to dispel shame, diminish loneliness, and alchemize connection.
After a hiatus, during which I went to Burning Man, also known as: surviving a giant art project in the middle of the desert, and then came home and felt very sad to no longer be out adventuring slash surviving said art project in the middle of the desert, and then questioned nearly everything about my life, as is, apparently, rather typical, I’m back on schedule!
This episode marks a couple of horizontal milestones. And because I’m rewiring my nervous system for joy, I’m committed to celebrating successes of every size and volume. So… This is episode number 50! And in a bit of neat numbership, horizontal just surpassed 50,000 downloads. Thank you so much for listening, and for sharing this work with your people. Don’t stop. Keep sharing it. Let’s have a revolution!
In this episode, I lie down with Pamela Clare Wylie Samuelson. Pamela is a bodycare witch, a sex ed teacher, a renegade, an instigator, a libertine.
Or perhaps she’s really more of a wizard than a witch. A sexy female Dumbledore minus 50 years. Gravitas and twinkly eyes.
As a bodywork specialist, she is trained in sexological bodywork, holistic pelvic care, and the Arvigo techniques of Maya Abdominal Therapy. This means that she works on the pelvis and the pussy, inside and out. She’s a warrior of bodily empowerment, Rosie the Riveter with a speculum.
We first met the day before we were supposed to record, in the gender neutral bathroom at an event called Cycles & Sex, which is about pussies, not bicycles.
horizontal at Cycles & Sex L.A. This is the cover photo of my Glossary. Because if you came from a uterus, THIS INFO IS DEFINITELY FOR YOU.
Pamela was leading roomfuls of women in a campaign called “Take Back the Speculum,” which is part anatomy lesson, part show and tell, and part hands-on practice. Pamela shows the sexual anatomy of her own body, by inserting a speculum, and allowing the participants to see her cervix with a flashlight. Then, the participants are given a speculum, and get to try it on their own. I didn’t do it that day. You’ll find out why in the episode.
With my dear friend (and treasured horizontal Patreon supporter) JJ at Cycles & Sex.
In this part of our conversation, we talk about ambiverts, cervical self-exams, femme-drag and bespoke suits, wonder women, moving people’s wombs into a more optimal position, the husband stitch, and Pamela’s viral rant.
Patronage is what makes it possible for me to continue making independent, uncensored, ad free homemade radio. When my crowd-funding grows, I’ll be able to dedicate myself to intimacy work. I believe that when we make private conversations public, intimacy becomes contagious, and the more intimate relationships we nourish, the happier our lives.
For $7 a month, you’ll get access to all the part twos (or sometimes, threes and fours). Be part of making the world a more intimate place.
Now, my dear listener. Come lie down with us.
horizontal with Pamela in Silver Lake, California. November 2017
Links to Things:
Patron of the horizontal arts!
Pamela on the interwebz. Facebook + Instagram
Take Back the Speculum, Pamela’s campaign to put control over our sexual health examinations back in our own hands (literally)
The article that taught Lila the word ambivert.
Cycles & Sex, the event (all about pussies, not bicycles) where Pamela and Lila first met!
A New View of a Woman’s Body, Pamela’s beloved anatomy book for illustrations of the vulva
Diva Cup, one of the menstrual cups on the market, which drastically reduces waste (tampons, pads) around the menstrual cycle
Pussy & Mama Gena’s Owner’s and Operator’s Guide to Men — one of these books inspired Lila to masturbate while looking at her vulva in a hand mirror. She can’t remember which. Both are great.
Professor Marston and the Wonder Women, the first major motion picture to explore a long-term polyamorous relationship. The story’s focus is the origin of the character Wonder Woman and Marston’s kinky triad between himself, his wife, and his student Olive. The sexual aspects of the relationship between Elizabeth and Olive are contested by at least one of his grandchildren, who insists their relationship was “as sisters.”
The Secret History of Wonder Woman, the book that the Professor Marston film was based on. HIGHLY recommended by Pamela. In her words, “It’s fucking amazing.”
Julie Savage-Lee, the photographer with whom I did my Truck Stop Wonder Woman photo shoot!
The Arvigo Techniques of Maya Abdominal Therapy, a modality of external low abdominal massage, which Pamela practices
Holistic Pelvic Care, a modality that Pamela learned from Tami Kent, the involves internal pelvic massage and energetic work
Show Notes (feel free to share quotes/resources on social media, and please link to this website or my Patreon!):
website link: https://horizontalwithlila.com/
Patreon link: https://www.patreon.com/horizontalwithlila
I cannot confirm or deny whether Pamela’s daughter was 2 at the time this photo was taken.
[8:39] horizontal does america could also be deemed “the trip of the two year-old.” Lila thinks of this as “free birth control.”
[9:09] Pamela’s 2 year-old’s brief tantruming phase.
[10:18] Five weeks into Lila’s horizontal does america tour, what has happened?
[10:40] Lila & Pamela on ambivertness.
Lila: Long long long stretches by myself, which I really value, and then time with people so that — for me it’s the perfect. It’s the perfect way to travel … because I’m an ambivert.
Pamela: Ambivert!
Lila: Yeah, so sometimes I function as an introvert and sometimes as an extrovert.
Pamela: Huh!
Lila: And when I am alone for those hours, it feels really good and nourishing, and then I’m happy to see people when I arrive someplace. When I’m with people for too long—
Pamela: Yeah.
Lila: I get brittle and I need time alone— brittle and exhausted.
Pamela: Totally.
Lila: To recharge.
Pamela: That’s the first time that I have ever heard named properly what I am. Thank you.
Lila: Mmmm!
Pamela: So much.
Lila: So welcome!
Pamela: That happened to me at Saturday— on Saturday, at Cycles & Sex. I feel like I’m 70% extrovert, or 60% extrovert, and the rest introvert, and it’s been actually the hardest thing about parenting has been just the lack of time alone.
Lila: Yeah, I can imagine.
Pamela: Has been the worst for me. I had a sort of moment during that day, on Saturday, of just having like a complete freakout and having to go outside and nourish myself with chocolate ice cream and just have some silence.
Lila: (emphatically) Mmhmm!
Pamela: That was a lot of people.
Lila: It was.
Pamela: That doesn’t normally— happen to me but.
Lila: And I think my percentage is actually the other way.
Pamela: More introvert than extrovert.
Lila: Yeah, although I think, many people would be surprised to hear it. To hear me say that. I remember saying it for the fir— discovering the definition of introvert or extrovert being how you, related to how you recharge, and having the revelation that I was an introvert, and then I told people that I knew and they laughed at me. (giggles) I was like, Hmm. Well— interesting.
Pamela: I believe it.
Lila: But it’s because— it’s because it’s both.
Pamela: Sure.
Lila: That’s why.
Pamela: Also, being an introvert doesn’t mean you’re not charming and (Lila laughs) capable among people, it just means that you need a certain amount of time.
This too, is Pamela.
[12:54] Pamela talks Take Back the Speculum, her campaign to put control over our sexual health examinations back in our own hands (literally).
Yep. That IS a speculum.
[16:57] Pamela offers to teach Lila to look at her cervix
Lila: We could do that after the recording?
Pamela: We could totally do it.
Lila: Or we could do it—
Pamela: So, it’s so—
Lila: — still recorded…
Pamela: Whatever you wish. We could do the whole thing.
Lila: Yeah, I would really like that.
Pamela: It’s pretty extraordinary. To see.
Lila: (overlapping) Yeah, I don’t even, I don’t even know! What would that even look like? I have no idea!
Pamela: Right. Everyone’s is a little bit different. And they’re all in different locations and it looks, even just your own will look really different, depending where you’re at in your cycle and, it changes if you’re aroused, like everything, is constantly in motion, so it’s cool to know, especially if you’re gonna be doing something like fertility awareness method, or even if you’re just curious, there’s … I think it’s extremely important … for all of us, and particularly women … to feel a very real sense of authority over our own bodies— (Lila mmhm’s) and that means taking that back from doctors.
Lila: And is that the “Take Back the Speculum”?
Pamela: That is the Take Back the Speculum, yeah. This is your body. You’re the expert.
Lila: Yeah, and why am I not? Why am I not the expert? Why do I not know? Why did it take me so long to put my own fingers inside myself? Why’d it take me so long to take out a mirror and look at my external vulva anatomy?
Pamela: Well we’re terribly shamed. Honestly.
Lila: Yeah but I wasn’t!
[18:54] Spurred by this book by Mama Gena, or it could’ve been this one, Lila took out a hand mirror and masturbated while looking at her pussy.
[19:22] Pamela gives Lila a little anatomy lesson about the vulva and vagina, and makes a case to do away with the anatomical terminology of labia majora and minora, in favor of inner and outer lips.
[19:42]
Lila: So we have the labia majora, the lips that are bigger and thicker on the outside, and then the minora, the little squishy ones— I suppose they’re not so little on, on all humans.
Pamela: No indeed, and New View proposes — and I also propose, in any group that I ever lead, or anyone I ever talk to — that we call them just the outer and the inner lips, because they’re not— are not majora and minora.
Lila: Ah yesssss.
Pamela: On many many many many women.
Lila: Ah, what a good point.
Pamela: The so-called minora are actually much bigger and more protruding, than the so-called majora. […]
Lila: But the majora— the outer—
Pamela: The outer lips.
Lila: They are thicker.
Pamela: They are just different. The inner lips are mucus membrane, so it’s— they’re a whole different tissue type, it’s a different texture, entirely.
Lila: Right, what I’m referring to as “squishy.”
Pamela: Yeah, exactly, yeah. (Lila laughs) The outer lips are where, if you have pubic hair, there’s pubic hair.
labia majora (noun) = the scientifically-recognized terminology for the two outer lips of the vulva. This is misleading, because on many vulvas, the inner lips, or labia minora, are actually longer. And thus, more “major.” It is proposed that these be simply called the “outer lips.” They can be differentiated from the inner lips by their position, and potentially by the presence of pubic hair.
labia minora (noun) = the scientifically-recognized terminology for the two inner lips of the vulva. This is misleading, because on many vulvas, the outer lips, or labia majora, are actually shorter. And thus, more “minor.” It is proposed that these be simply called the “inner lips.” They can be differentiated from the outer lips by their position, and by their “squishy” mucus membrane texture.
outer lips (noun) = the two distal lips of the vulva, scientifically called “labia majora,” which is a misleading term, since on many vulvas, these lips are actually shorter, and therefore, less “major” than the inner lips. They can be differentiated from the inner lips by their position, and potentially by the presence of pubic hair.
inner lips (noun) = the two proximal lips of the vulva, scientifically called the “labia minora,” which is a misleading term, since on many vulvas, these lips are actually longer, and therefore, less “minor” than the outer lips. They can be differentiated from the outer lips by their position, and by their “squishy” mucus membrane texture.
[20:41] Pamela & Lila talk the clitoris.
[21:08] Lila & Pamela try to be more cognizant about de-gendering their language.
Lila: A penis-owner.
Pamela: A penis-haver, yeah.
Lila: I’m trying to be more specific with my language, and uh, not make it gendered when it doesn’t need to be.
Pamela: Totally.
Lila: Which is a—
Pamela: Me, too.
Lila: — cultural shift that, yes I feel committed to.
[22:10] Lila’s confusion about the urethral opening.
[22:45] Pamela teaches her. She distinguishes the internal and external parts of the urethra.
Pamela: So the urethral opening, you can see on the outside, above the vaginal opening, between the external clit and the vaginal opening, you can find your urethra. It pokes out a little bit more when you’re aroused.
Lila: Oh!
Pamela: Um, but the part that you’re feeling inside, what’s referred to as the g-spot, or the g-crest is actually the urethral sponge, which is a little tube of erectile tissue that surrounds the actual urethra itself. So between the bladder, which sits right behind your pubic bone, and the opening, there is the tube of the urethra, through which the pee comes, when you pee, yeah? (Lila mmhm’s) And that tube is surrounded by this little, like doughnut, like a little ring — it’s a little bit longer than a doughnut, like cylinder of erectile tissue, called the urethral sponge, that is stimulated by, sort of if— I used to get this question when I was teaching sex ed, in 9th grade, from the more advanced kids in the room, (Lila mmhm’s) they’d say, “Miss, how do I be a good lover for my girl? Where’s the g-spot?” And, I would say, “If your girl is facing you and your finger or fingers are inside her, and you’re pulling them towards yourself, like a “come hither” gesture—
Lila: Come hither.
Pamela: That’s where the g-spot is.
Lila: And that—
Pamela: So it’s the anterior wall of the vagina.
Lila: So that I’ve heard for years, right? But then I took, at Cycles & Sex, The Pleasure Chest had some mini sex-ed workshops (Pamela mmhm’s) and, this is so obvious but I didn’t realize it, that if, your lover who has a vaginal opening is facing away from you, it’s go there.
Pamela: Right, if you are coming from like, behind. (Lila sort of squeals) You’d be— it’s always gonna be towards the belly button.
Lila: Right!
Pamela: Right.
Lila: But I didn’t even think about it! Pamela: Or towards the…
Pamela: Right. Yeh! Yeah.
Lila: So, what we’re saying is: the g-spot is the urethral sponge?
Pamela: Yes.
Lila: And, then, deep to that, is clitoral…
Lila: tissue? Pamela: The urethral.
Pamela: The urethral sponge is clitoral tissue.
Lila: Okay!
Pamela: The clitoris, if you’re thinking about it in terms of like, what is the erectile tissue in, in the female pelvis, like what is the sexual anatomy, what responds to stimulation with arousal and erection, we’re talking about the shaft and the glans, we’re talking about the clitoral bulbs, which are also called the vestibular bulbs, which are underneath the outer lips, we’re talking about the legs, which extend back, kind of along the ischium, along the sitzbones almost, along the bone of the pelvis, and we’re talking about the urethral sponge and we’re talking about the perineal sponge, where— there’s like a whole lot that responds to stimulation. (Lila mmhm’s) I think by one reckoning there are 37 different parts. To the clitoris. Which is, insane.
Lila: WOW!
Pamela: There’s like a whole network. There’s as much clitoral tissue in, in the body of a person with a vulva as there is penile tissue — erectile tissue — in the penis of a person who has one.
Lila: MMMmmmm!
Pamela: It’s just distributed completely differently and internally. So, isn’t just a thing to point at and say, “There it is.”
urethral opening (noun) = on a body with a vagina, the urethral opening, through which urine exits the system, is located between the external clitoris and the vaginal opening. On a body with a penis, the urethral opening can be found in the head.
urethral sponge (noun) = the tube of erectile tissue surrounding the urethra, located on the anterior wall of the vagina. Ridged in texture, it is commonly known as the g-spot, and also known as the g-crest. Can be stimulated with a “come hither” motion performed by one or multiple fingers.
“go there” motion (noun) = a gesture created by turning the palm face down and curving the pointer and middle finger (could also be a single finger or additional fingers), sensuously and repeatedly away from one’s body, gesturing outward and downward. Used to stimulate the g-spot in those with a vagina, when the vagina-owner is prone (belly-up). If they are supine (belly-up) then the same motion performed to stimulate the g-spot is dubbed “come hither,” because of the way the gesture resembles a beckoning when the palm is facing up.
[25:53] Pamela explains the design of a speculum and how to wield and insert one.
[27:53] Lila asks about cervical orgasms. Pamela and Lila discuss the difference between cervical orgasms and other kinds of orgasms, though neither of them has experienced a cervical one yet.
[30:39] About the cervix.
Lila: So how small are we talking in terms of fruit?
Pamela: (bemused) Fruit? Like the cervix? (both laugh)
Lila: Can you please compare the cervix to fruit— is it round?
Pamela: It is rounded… yeah. And, what’s a good fruit comparison? … I would say that it is roughly the size of a kumquat. […] It’s bigger than a large grape. It’s like more in the realm of a kumquat.
Lila: I had no idea it was that small!
[32:14] Pamela and Lila talk “femme drag.”
[32:46] Lila’s dream bespoke suit.
[33:50]
Lila: And I will, I will put lipstick on with that, and I will put heels on, and I will curl my hair. And I can’t wait.
[34:22] Pamela’s dream bespoke suit.
[34:26] Miiine, is kind of like what Albus Dumbledore would wear if he was a hot girl.
[35:01] The inspiration for Lila’s suit comes from the film Professor Marston and the Wonder Women.
[35:08] On Professor Marston.
Pamela: I haven’t seen it yet. Is it great?
Lila: (overlapping) OH, you HAVE to see it.
Pamela: I read the book.
Lila: And please go see it in the theatre.
Pamela: Okay.
Lila: To show the world that we are ready for these kinds of stories.
Pamela: I absolutely will.
Lila: ‘Cause you know it’s a kinky, polyamorous (Pamela mmhmm’s) creative.
Pamela: Did you read the book? The Jill Lepore book?
Lila: Mm-mm.
Pamela: It’s fucking amazing.
Lila: Really?
Pamela: (definitively) Yeah.
Lila: Oh I should read it.
Pamela: It’s well-worth the read.
Lila: I should definitely read it. I am fascinated by it. And I love dressing up as Wonder Woman— in fact, I am packing a Wonder Woman outfit, as I travel (both laugh) and in Carlisle, Pennsylvania, the trucking capital of the United States, my friend Julie and I went and did a Truck Stop Wonder Woman photo shoot.
Truck Stop Wonder Woman. Image by Julie Savage Lee Photography. What a pleasure to collaborate with her!
Pamela: Nice!
Lila: It was, amazing. (Pamela cracks up) I just waved at all the truckers like I was a costumed character at Trucker Disneyland.
[36:13] Pamela explains the fluctuations of the cervix.
[36:47] Lila wonders why her cervix seems to make sex uncomfortable sometimes.
Pamela: I have never met a cervix that really liked just being kind of banged into; part of the—
Lila: (giggles) Pounded, as it were.
Pamela: As it were. The, the thing about arousal is that in a more aroused state, in a more heightened state, sexually, um, the womb will sort of move up in the body and lengthen the vaginal canal and get the cervix out of the way. So, that’s real, just as a physiological phenomenon. (Lila mmhm’s) Like as, external stimulation is happening, of the external clit, the clitoral bulbs underneath the outer lips, all of that before penetration, part of the reason to be really turned on before any penetration happens is to have that length and have that kind of, um, stretch in the vagina.
Lila: Mmmmmm.
Pamela: Before anything goes inside. Which I think a lot of us really don’t experience, because we’re not— many people aren’t educated to think about penetration as something that should happen later in sexual play, it’s kind of—
Lila: Yeah. And I would say that, even though, it does happen later for me in my play, I would say that many times, it doesn’t happen later enough. […] Because, it’s still not quite…
Pamela: It’s not quite ready.
Lila: Wanting to receive.
Pamela: Right.
Lila: Yeah. Not, not drawing in, but having to manage being filled.
Truck Stop Wonder Woman. Image by Julie Savage Lee Photography.
Pamela: Right. Yeah… If I was Emperor of the World, and could change anything that I chose, it would probably be that there would be no penetration until the person who was to be penetrated was in a state of—
Lila: Begging for it?
Pamela: Begging for it.
[38:46] On being aroused, but not wet. On being wet, but not aroused.
Lila: And of course, I’ve been very aroused, and my, my intellect has been stimulated, and I’m into, I feel passionate, and yet! My vaginal walls remain quite dry.
Pamela: Mmhm!
Lila: And I know that, it’s not You are aroused, therefore you will be wet, and that is a misconception that causes a lot of problems, right, (Pamela mmhm’s) ‘cause you can also be wet and not be aroused, and I have a friend, a dear friend, who was raped, and the went to a doctor, and the doctor said, “You showed signs of readiness.”
Pamela: Oh for FUCK’S SAKE.
Lila: Can you fucking believe that shit.
Pamela: That person should lose his or her license to practice medicine.
Lila: Immediately.
Pamela: In my opinion.
Lila: Yes.
Pamela: That’s disgusting. (both make yuck sounds)
Lila: And I have had some shame around not being extremely wet, not being a person who … who gushes, or, who doesn’t need lube (Pamela mmhm’s) and then it’s hard for me to gauge, Am I ready to be penetrated? Because, because I’m not providing all the lubrication on my own, it seems.
Pamela: There are also other reasons for that, that are unrelated to what’s going on in the moment, so far as like, your arousal with a partner, or by yourself. That have to do with … biochemistry, talking about hormones, and just kind of hormonal levels, your ability to lubricate will change a lot throughout your cycle and changes a lot, like, if you’re on hormonal birth control. It will be different than if you’re not. If you’re—
Lila: Mm, I’m not.
Pamela: If you are getting enough, kind of, raw fats into your diet, your hormonal balance will be different, than if you’re not.
Lila: Hm.
Pamela: Things like that, so. And it changes a lot just throughout life, like, post-menopausal women classically, um, have a really hard time self-lubricating, but not all, and it totally, it just totally depends. And there are other mechanical things that have to do with the placement of the uterus— one of the things that I do in sessions is move — both internally and externally — move the wombs of people who, the wombs of people who have them. This is really hard, (Lila mmhm’s) using non-gendered language. (Lila laughs lightly) It’s hard to talk about sexual anatomy—
Lila: People’s wombs.
Pamela: It’s hard to talk about sexual anatomy apart from sex… As distinct from gender. Okay. Let me think about how I want to say this.
Lila: (overlapping) People’s wombs.
Pamela: People’s wombs. Moving people’s wombs, uh, to a more optimal position, so I see people who are having terrible periods or, who have any number of ailments, who have endometriosis, or, you know, various troubles with becoming aroused, or vaginismus, or dyspareunia, any number of things—
Lila: I didn’t even know that, you could move someone’s womb.
Pamela: Sure. If it is adhered … there is a tissue in the body called fascia, (Lila mmhm’s) which is the connective tissue, and when there is, uh, an adhesion in the fascia, that holds everything, essentially, but especially as it holds the uterus and the uterine attachments in the pelvis, the womb can get sort of stuck into one position, and then doesn’t have, the full range of movement as far as like m— you know, a— as I described, like, len— the lengthening of the vagina and the womb sort of moving, uh, up and away from the vulva in the body. It can’t do that, it just gets very stuck, and this also makes like PMS really shitty (Lila hm’s) and a number of other things; it just causes congestion in the pelvis and, keeps there from being proper fluid flow, like lymph and blood, like, keeps everything from moving as it’s meant to move. And that can totally inhibit lubrication. You know? And it can be anything, it can be like, Oh, I sprained my ankle, and then I favored my other leg, and then I developed this kind of carriage for a period of some months, and that affected how my womb sits. In my pelvis. And it’s very simple, actually, to move it. And to free it.
Lila: What do you do?
Pamela: You can do all sorts of things, but what I do is a combination of internal vaginal work, like internal pelvic bodywork, something called Arvigo Maya Abdominal Massage, which works from the outside in the low abdomen, to adjust it, and then I can also work from the inside to adjust.
endometriosis (noun) = a disorder, quite common in the U.S., in which uterine tissue (the womb lining) grows outside the uterus.
vaginismus (noun) = a condition in which the pelvic floor muscles of one with a vagina spasm and contract in response to pressure or physical contact (from / with a finger, a penis, a tampon, etc.).
dyspareunia (noun) = the clinical term for pain during penetrative sexual activity.
[43:46] What does Pamela think that people who have wombs/cervixes should know about them, that many of us don’t know?
Pamela: That many of the conditions that people would take to a doctor and then be prescribed hormonal birth control can be addressed in other ways that don’t require taking synthetic hormones, indefinitely. (Lila mmhm’s) That the womb is meant to move. And that a lot of those same issues can be addressed mechanically with bodywork.
Lila: (pause) Are there many people who know how to do this kind of bodywork in the United States?
Pamela: Yeah, I don’t think that there are enough, especially in the less urban places, and in the less kind of progressive places, I don’t think that there are enough people, but … yeah, certainly in the cities, there are lots of people.
[47:33] Pamela’s viral Facebook post, which I will title “your pussy is not a sheath,” dated June 30th, 2017, in its entirety:
The image that accompanied Pamela’s viral Facebook post. The artist self-identified as Von Nida Ferrelli.
I recently had a client come in requesting pelvic work because of injuries from her first birth.
In her words, she had torn significantly, and had been stitched badly – she described something I’ve heard about from several other clients, the ‘husband stitch’, in which a doctor stitches the vaginal opening too tightly closed in order to supposedly make future sex with the birthing woman more pleasurable to an imaginary future male sex partner.
Which, alone, makes me want to punch these particular doctors in the nads. Hard.
Because – does this really need to be said? Sure seems like it does:
WOMEN’S BODIES DO NOT EXIST TO PLEASE MEN.
EVER. UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES.
This practice, like so many others, is a vestige of a dark age in which women were the property of men.
Please observe, dear reader: WE DO NOT FUCKING LIVE IN THOSE DARK AGES ANYMORE. Not here. Not now. And any doctor acting as though we do should lose his or her license to practice medicine IMMEDIATELY.
Birthing women are generally not asked about this: “Would you like this dodgy procedure?” It is just done to them – in a supremely vulnerable moment, I might add. Sometimes with a grody wink to the male partner in the room. Or so I am told.
But back to the story.
This client tore again with baby #2, and was attended to by a different doctor, who was shocked by the terrible work of the first doctor, and stitched her properly.
She had been in pain for several years with the husband-stitch, and then was no longer in pain.
But she felt that the tone of her pelvic floor had suffered, and she wanted to work on her “tightness”.
Upon actually meeting this woman, she further revealed that her husband had been cheating on her, that she was fairly sure they would be separated within the year, and that her desire for a tighter vagina had to do with being able to keep a future male partner. She attributed the cheating to her vagina not being tight enough to please him.
This made me turn some colors. The room is thankfully dim enough that I had some cover.
Once I had recovered my wits, I told her quite precisely the following three things. Mark them well, women of my heart.
1) Your vagina is not a sheath for anybody’s cock.
It is the core of your body, the powerhouse of your pleasure, the holy portal through which you have, like a god, pushed two human beings into the world. It is not a fucking sheath for a DICK. So please, take the checkout magazine stands full of 1980s Cosmos that apparently line the aisles of your mind, and set them on fire, because that is a bunch of fucking nonsense.
2) If your husband is cheating on you, I GUARANTEE YOU that it has fuck all to do with the tone of your pussy. If he is cheating, it’s because he is a cheater. Please give credit where credit is due. If the sex you have been having with him has suffered since your first birth, perhaps that is because you were in excruciating pain whenever you did it, seeing as some idiot with diplomas on his wall gave you an unconscionable injury by stitching you badly and playing into this 1980s Cosmo complex you’re harboring. But please understand: cheating is not about vaginal tone. Cheating – sleeping with someone else and lying about it – is about being an asshole.
3) You do not want a tight vagina.
That is a myth.
When we use tight as a descriptor, we are discussing the pussy as a sheath. We are centering our entire experience in the pleasure of a male partner. And while we, of course, care very much about the experiences of our lovers, their perspectives are not more important than our own, and we do not take responsibility for anybody else’s good time. Please keep your eye on the proverbial ball here.
What you want is a strong vagina.
A vagina that can grip, control, pulsate, and fully release a penetrating object at will – a cock, or otherwise – with a full range of sensation. A muscular vagina. A free vagina.
If you do not have this experience, it is very likely because you – like many many many of the other women who come to me for pelvic bodywork – are, in fact, too tight. Your pelvic floor is hypertonic – it is in a perpetual state of spasm, and doesn’t remember how to release.
Much like a hand, a vagina has to be able to both grasp and let go in order to do much for you.
If it is hypotonic, it is like a hand that is floppy and cannot grasp. If it is hypertonic, it is like a perpetually clenched fist.
Far more of the women I meet under these circumstances come to me in the latter category than the former.
A tight vagina is a PROBLEM. As a physical reality, and as a concept.
Get with me on this. Strength is the key. Across the board. Change your language and change your life. Please. Inhabit your body like you are the boss of it, like your experience is important, like you are the one steering your world, like your pleasure matters. Because it FUCKING DOES. Female pleasure is raucously, explosively powerful. It is what brings women of all ages and races and sizes and abilities and orientations home into our own blessed bodies. It is the lever which moves the world. Its power is such a treasure that billion dollar industries have arisen to manipulate women, throwing a glamour around us that divorces us from our own sensations, focusing our sense of worth on our looks and throwing our lived physical reality under the bus.
It is up to us to STOP FALLING FOR IT.
We are not owned. We are not beholden. And our bodies are utterly magnificent, exactly as they are.
Please start fucking acting like it.
Love,
PCWS
50. your pussy is not a sheath: horizontal with a vagina whisperer
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