the horizontal primer (an anniversary gift to my listeners)

I’ve never before hit the one year mark on a project and still been thoroughly committed to it. And not just committed, but even farther in and more deeply entwined than when I began.

I am so proud to have released it before it was “excellent” recording quality. I finally felt, for the first time in my life, that my work (and by extension, my heart) was worth sharing with the world before it was technically “ready.”

It has already changed the conversations between so many couples and lovers and humans. I know this, because several of them have told me so. I am so proud of myself, finally, truly proud, for perhaps the first time in my life.

And so I have a gift for you. (I definitely operate on the “better late than never” system of gifting.) This is to thank you for listening, for reading, for being my patrons on Patreon. It’s a … horizontal primer.

Here’s the story of the horizontal primer:

A young woman named Liz sent me an email through horizontalwithlila.com. She told me she’d been listening to the podcast.

“The level of intimacy you reach with your guests is so beautiful and heartwarming. It’s unlike any other podcast or show I’ve experienced. Thank you for sharing <3”

She wrote that horizontal has been a source of inspiration for her, and she asked for my advice.

Liz had been in social media marketing for five years, and was contemplating a career change— possibly to become a sex therapist, or maybe to enter the field of reproductive health. She knew she’d probably have to go back to school, but in the meantime, did I have any suggestions for more immediate next steps? Coaches, seminars, books, communities, other podcasts?

Her request stayed in the background of my mind for about a week.

“What are you going to tell Liz, Lila?”

When I sat down to respond to her, I had planned to point her in the direction of three books — the three books that Matthew Stillman loaned me in 2012: Arousal, Sex at Dawn, and mating in captivity. These books form the cornerstone of the life I have now. I’m not sure that I would be living at the Villa or hosting a podcast about sex, love, and relationships, had Matthew not loaned me those books.

(This is only one of several times Matthew Stillman has changed my life— listen to his episodes and you’ll understand why.)

I now affectionately refer to this ad hoc trilogy as my “Human Sexuality Book Club of One.”

As I started writing them out for Liz, however, more and more resources came to mind. When I finished and looked up, it was two hours later, and I’d written a bulleted list with five sections. I sent it off and didn’t hear back from a few days. The next week, we met at a cafe, I saw that she was my people, and she became my Social Media Maven.

Yesterday she told me that receiving my hyper-organized list (with little descriptions!) was the moment she knew she loved me. I knew I loved her when she came to the cafe with a questionnaire about my goals, and had every single platform of mine pulled up in tabs on her browser. The woman is thorough.

She’s my Social Media Maven as well as Dr. Zhana’s, and these days she’s harnessing her formidable millenial powers as the go-to Social Media Consultant in the sex-positive space. Need her services? I’ll bet you do. Really, Liz is indispensable. Find her on Instagram as Liz Levitch, or send me an email and I’ll pass it along!

If you share these recommendations, please encourage your peoples to join the horizontal with lila mailing list for more resources!

Without further ado, dear ones, here is your horizontal primer.

mating in captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence, Esther Perel’s seminal book about managing the paradox of the dual human desires for stability and excitement

The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity, Esther Perel’s newest book, attempting to bring nuance and compassion to a vilified topic

The Ethical Slut, by Dossie Easton and Janet W. Hardy, possibly the first work of its kind to celebrate nonmonogamy, promiscuity, and indulging one’s sexual appetite while teaching people how to simultaneously respect others and themselves

Tiny Beautiful Things, by Cheryl Strayed, a compilation of some of her advice columns from the time she penned “Dear Sugar.” Incredible, compassionate, cavernous, and heart-wrenchingly-written wisdom here.

Untrue, Wednesday Martin’s forthcoming book about female desire.

Pretty much every article ever written by the sex writer Sophie Saint Thomas.

Math Magazine, feminist pornography mag created in Brooklyn by publisher Mackenzie Peck