Sandwiched by Orion and Tiana at 14 Rooms, my intimate, immersive Valentine’s event at Hacienda Villa
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Lila: (to Tiana) You’re the most compersious person I’ve ever met.
Tiana: (giggling) Thaaank youuu! And you know a lot of people!
*
Tiana: So then when you guys were about to hook up, and you realized you hadn’t talked to me, why did you continue to hook up? You should’ve been like, “We can’t have unprotected sex, because I haven’t talked to Tiana yet.” You went forward, knowing, that you hadn’t talked to me.
Lila: Was it a moment of selfishness? Was it…?
Orion: I— yes. I’ll own that. Def— yeah. I mean, I don’t know what else— I don’t know what else makes sense.
Lila: […] Is there a why that maybe you feel ashamed to share, but that could give insight into what happened in that moment?
*
James: This requires a lot more communication than I’ve ever had to do before. Even though, in hindsight, that level of communication would have been useful in my monogamous relationship, too.
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Lila: Tiana, one of the many things that I admire so deeply about you, is your ability to forgive. Which you have… done with me, and, I admire it especially because I find forgiveness very difficult. And I judge myself for that. And I wonder how you were able— what’s the process that you took yourself through, to come to a place where you could forgive this, and want to move forward?
Tiana: For a long time, I was in shock. …
O patrons my patrons, welcome back to part 3 of my 4-part conversation with Tiana & Orion: dear friends, poly primaries, kinky educators, and solopreneurs.
Tiana the Loveliest at the Confetti Project Open Studios May 2019
In episode 78. surprise surprise he liked black chicks, we dove into Tiana’s sexual development. We talked about natural musk, her parent’s divorce, commuting between two households, what their parents have in common, face-sitting on teddy bears, her first inklings of exhibitionism, being a good girl, then fucking til you die!, how Tiana met her husband in middle school by dropping books on him, the story of their marriage, one very good tip for good anal play, camming on Chaturbate, looking for threesomes on Feeld, Tiana’s first polycule and first triad, and how her ex demolished their relationship by wiping out their accounts on payroll day.
Orion during the “Sculptor & Statue” game. Intimacy Warriors photoshoot. Captured by Valerie Zimmer Photography
In episode 79. not gonna be the abusive guy, we discuss the violence of Orion’s father, his mother’s pattern of dating abusive men, coding love based on what we experienced as children, how even abuse can be coded as love if it was all you could get from your caregivers, witnessing more than one way to father, poverty & private school, Orion’s interplay with the archetype of the strong black woman, us-against-the-world, compartmentalization, bullying, Orion, The Soldier, and The Beast, going to the Renaissance Faire as a black couple, microaggressions at a white boat party, how Orion is Tiana’s first black male primary partner, and Orion’s biggest difficulty being in relationship with Tiana.
In this episode, we discuss Tiana’s biggest difficulty being in relationship with James: a breach of trust in their relationship involving a communication breakdown, a broken agreement, & sex with a secondary partner. There is fresh hurt. There are hard questions, loving challenges, and an attempt at introspection, and we all get to hear — in real time — how they talk it through.
They are beyond generous to allow us this window into their relationship. It is an act of bravery, and an edge for both of them. I am unspeakably grateful that they navigated that edge and have allowed us the honor of listening in.
Tiana & Orion at 14 Rooms. February 2019
My listeners and patrons know that this has been my aim for the podcast all along— consensual eavesdropping on private conversations, witnessing intimacy in action, learning what that kind of dialogue can actually sound like.
We also discuss metamours, compersion, their definition of primary partners, recalling timelines differently, thinking you’re polysaturated, then changing your mind, the emotional recalibration required when your partner adds to your polycule, telemours and poly spreadsheets, how Orion’s monogamous marriage could have benefited from the explicit communication style of his poly life, handling tremendous freedom in a romantic relationship, sharing the selfish desires, the microscopic truth, and the paranoid fantasies, recovering from a relationship transgression, and the process Tiana took herself through in order to forgive.
I feel certain there’s something there for you, my curious ones, poly or not.
On Tuesday, May 21st, I’m celebrating the two year anniversary of the podcast, or the 2nd horizontal-aversary, with a pajama party potluck and mega recording session!
Next week’s episode will be part 4, the conclusion of my conversation with Tiana and Orion. Among other things, we talk about miscommunication, an incident at a sex party, and all three of us tell our version of how they met.
Perspective fascinates me…
And now, come lie down with us again, in the Bronx, New York.
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