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horizontal with lila

39. mermaid sex: horizontal with a porn star

in episodes on 08/06/18

This is also Madison Young.


Lila:  My mother is an immigrant from Brazil, and it was only recently that she became a citizen, and so for years and years and years, she just had a Green Card.

Madison:  Yeah.

Lila:  So imagine, [if] my mother went to Brazil, during that time, and comes back, and cannot come back into, what is her country.

Madison:  Yeah.

Lila:  She has been here for forty-one years or something like that.

Madison:  Wow. Yeah.

Lila:  Imagine the kind of unnecessary trauma in— involved in that.

[…]

Madison:  But I think that what we have to do is we just have to join together, we have to make our voices heard, we have to be louder than ever. It’s, it’s a time for bravery; it’s a time for standing up for what we believe in, and, it’s a time for being strong allies for the people that need it. And, and holding space, and holding the mic for those people.

Lila:  Yesss.

Madison:  You know, we have to s—  we cannot divide. We have to stay together and stay, strong, and stick up for each other.

Lila:  It reminds me of the old drawing from social studies class, the snake in the 13 pieces, representing the 13 colonies and it says, “Unite or Die.” It feels that way. We cannot be— we are on the same side, we cannot be, you know, we cannot let Voldemort come at us while we squabble amongst ourselves about—

Madison:  Over small things.

Lila:  — language, or or, making a, yes, a silly or ignorant mistake that is innocent.

Madison:  Yeah. We have to find compassion, come at this with— I think, love is, is truly powerful, truly uniting. I think Reveal All is, is a very powerful piece, too. I think more radical art, more radical articles, more radical books, more radical podcasts. It’s, it’s time to put our voices out there, to be honest, and to stand up against what is happening. Otherwise, it’s just gonna continue to happen and it’s gonna get worse.

 

*

 

Lila:  Nobody is learning how to do it—

Madison:  Right.

Lila:  And so those of us who are trying to do it well, are making it up. But there are people who have done it, and there are people who have— I was talking with somebody about this the other day, ritualized the breakup, (Madison mmhm’s) because why shouldn’t you?

Madison:  Yeah.

Lila:  Why wouldn’t you memorialize it so that you can have something that is thoughtful and caring and full of compassion, to end a relationship that maybe isn’t right for you anymore, but, but served a beautiful purpose in your life. And why is the only metric of a successful relationship longevity? That’s just—

Madison:  Right.

Lila:  — unacceptable. There have to be other metrics, because, most of us are failing in the longevity department anyway—

Madison:  And we all—

Lila:  — so.

Madison:  I mean, the, I— here’s, here’s one fact in life. Everything changes.

Lila:  Right.

Madison:  We all change. We continue to change and to evolve, and, and so relationships change.

Madison:  People change. Lila:  And of course they will!

Lila:  How can we hold them to a different standard than the rest of nature?

Madison:  Right, so we must make room for that, that change to happen, and sometimes that change looks like, we’re not romantic partners anymore.

Lila:  I remember r— watching the video of Marina Abramovic in her (Madison mmhm’s) series “The Artist is Present” (Madison mmhm’s) when her ex comes in and she hadn’t seen him in a certain amount of years, and I was so inspired reading about the ritual that they did, walking al— I’ve got chills,  just say— everytime I say it—

Madison:  Yeah, yeah.

Lila:  — I get chills. Walking along the Great Wall of China and meeting in the middle and deciding that— I’ve got chills!

Madison:  I know, me too.

Lila:  Deciding that that was the end of their relationship. Why shouldn’t it be something as epic as falling in love is? Why shouldn’t it be something that we—

Madison:  That’s honored!

Lila:  — honor. (Madison mmhm’s) And one way that I know to honor something is to make a ritual out of it. To give it— and it’s really, the art of attention, right, it’s really the— the attention is what makes the ritual, you could do the same act without the attention, and intention, (Madison mmhm’s softly) to ritualize, to honor, to memorialize, to close, to— you said sometimes you have to tie your own ribbon. So sometimes that person is not available to close with you—

Madison:  Right.

Lila:  And— I love that. Is— is that yours? You have to tie your own ribbon? Does that come from?

Madison:  Yeah, I just came up with it when we were chatting!

Lila:  It’s brilliant, Madison!

Madison:  It’s creating our own closure.

Lila:  I love it though, also because the image of a ribbon. (Madison mmhm’s softly) You think of a ribbon as something that you, take off when you unwrap, when you begin, when you have, a new experience with a gift or, (Madison mmhm’s softly) or a person who maybe, (Lila titters) has a ribbon on (Madison laughs) or something like that, but to, to tie something with a ribbon, and say that you’re not going to open it again. But there’s no reason why it shouldn’t be beautiful on the outside. I just think it’s a— it’s such a profound way to, to visualize it and conceptualize it.

Madison:  Well thank you. I will put that one in my pocket.

 

*

 

Lila:  And, before that, I thought … let me ask my Dad, if he’ll do an episode with me (Madison mmhm’s) and it’s weird to— I can’t say, getting— you know, getting horizontal with my Dad — (Madison uhhuh / chuckles) […] and he’s not going to be comfortable lying down anyway—

Madison:  Right.

Lila:  — ‘cause he has terrible sciatica.

Madison:  Right. Uhhuh.

Lila:  So, I’m gonna call it, “sitting relatively upright with my Dad.” (laughs)

Madison:  Oh my gosh that’s awesome! I love it!

Lila:  And I did it last week. (Madison gasps) Yeh! Yeh!

Madison:  That’s great!

Lila:  I recorded with him for three hours last week!

Madison:  Oh my goodness.

Lila:  Oh my God—

Madison:  Wow.

Lila:  — I’m so excited.

Madison:  I can’t wait to hear it.

Lila:  And now I have that. You know? Now I have, three hours of, of me—

Madison:  Conversation with your father!

Lila:  Of me asking him all these questions I’d never asked him before!

Madison:  Yeah…

Lila:  About his Dad, about— I didn’t even know he knew his grandparents, about, you know, growing up in Brooklyn, how he feels going— coming back there now, and, and his first— his firsts.

Madison:  Yeah…

Lila:  His first time having sex, his first crush—

Madison:  Wow.

Lila:  — his first kiss.

Madison:  And he opened up about all of that.

Lila:  He shared all of it with me!

Madison:  That’s so brave and amazing.                                          Lila:  My Dad! Is amazing!

Madison:  Yeahhh.

Lila:  I can’t believe that he would agree to do that! And he did! And then he just shared with me. And he knows, he knows where it’s going. He knows it’s going to the world.

Madison:  (sweetly) Yeah…

Lila:  And, I asked him once, if he would do a Story Corps, ‘cause you know they have that, project that s— saves the stories, and you know they’ll be saved probably for longer, they’ll be archived for longer than anything that we would create. (Madison mmhm’s) And he said, “Ohh, no, I’m not, I don’t really want to do that,” and I said, “But Dad, you said you’d be willing to do an episode with me,” and he said, “That’s different.” (Madison laughs lightly) ‘Cause it’s me, and it’s (Madison uhhuh’s) for what I wanna—

Madison:  Wooow!

Lila:  — put out into the world! I’m so, I—

Madison:  That’s so awesome!                                                            Lila:  This is the best conversation—

Lila:  I’ve ever had with my father. And also to be able to— I mean, maybe you got a sex talk as a kid, maybe, you know, you’ve heard a little bit, about— you, you got some education from your parents, but have you? Do you know anybody who’s interviewed their parents about their relationship to sexuality, or their sex life? Does anybody— really want to know that much? About their parents? And why not? Why is it such a, a taboo to know that your parents are sexual creatures, ‘cause, your parents are sexual creatures ‘cause they had you, so they had to be— mostly, right, I mean there’s, there’s exceptions to this of course, now, um, with insemination and things like that, but … we— we all are sexual creatures, even if we’re asexual—

Madison:  Yeah.

Lila:  And we have a relationship to sexuality, and to never speak about that very crucial aspect of your existence with your parents—

Madison:  It’s a huge part of our lives.

Lila:  Wow, you know.

Madison:  Yeah.

Lila:  I’m I’m sure that there’s a, there’s a going-too-far-ness about it, there are things that you don’t need to share, but, to never share anything about it? And most people never share anything.



This is a special edition of horizontal, the podcast that takes you into my bed and lets your ears watch as I unzip intimate conversations.

horizontal aims to dispel shame, diminish loneliness, and cultivate connection

At Reveal All Fear Nothing, there is a Splash Zone. It’s more commonly known by its maiden name, the VIP section.

In this episode, recorded last week at Hacienda Villa, I lie down with Madison Young. Madison is a performance artist, an author, a sex educator, and a feminist pornographer.

Hacienda Studio, our event space, hosted three performances of Madison’s one-woman show Reveal All Fear Nothing in May. It is literally like nothing else I’ve ever seen. Reveal All demystifies, illuminates, and celebrates the often-misunderstood worlds of kink, porn, and BDSM, through the words and body of an insider.

It is important work. It needs to be seen. And it needs to be seen by you. I don’t want to reveal too much for her, because you should find a way to watch her reveal it yourself, but I must tell you this: I haven’t even seen my own g-spot yet… but I’ve seen Madison’s.

Did you even know that was possible?

You could say, quite accurately, that I was moved. In so many ways. Throughout the night, I laughed, I danced, I gasped, my heart hurt, I ran upstairs during intermission and gave my date a blow job … I cheered, and I was left with this liquid pool of gratitude at the astonishing generosity with which Madison has crafted this piece. She made us a gift. Find out where the show will be next on RevealAllFearNothing.com – and go see it. Produce it in your cities. Bring it to your hometowns. There is radical sexual healing to be had, merely by being a witness to this work.

In the first half of our episode, titled “reveal all fear nothing: horizontal with a feminist pornographer,” we talked about Madison’s memoir, titled “Daddy,” saturations, rainbow unicorn bondage, self-aftercare, how a porn star prepares, and the petition that stopped Madison from going to church.

In this half, we discuss how to have the sex talk, break-up rituals, bunny games and bunny sex and one stuffed bunny in particular, the privilege of being out, institutionalized misogyny, call-out culture, and unicorn mermaid role-play

Now we invite you to do something legions of fans have only dreamed of…

Come lie down with us.


If you enjoy lying down with Madison and I, become a patron of the horizontal arts! Patreon is an innovation in the life of the artist. It’s a website that crowdsources income on a monthly basis. It can make it possible for me to continue creating independent, uncensored, ad-free homemade radio. My intention is to keep this podcast ad-free, but also to make this my primary career. Show me that you believe in my mission of cultivating intimacy across the world (and dislike ads)!

 

There are lovely perks when you become my patron. For instance, for $7 a month, you’ll gain access to my secret patrons Facebook group, where I share behind-the-scenes photos, fascinating articles, and near-daily curiosities. You’ll also be the subject of a post containing what I call GPG: Genuine Public Gratitude (or not! If you want to remain a private patron, I shall honor you privately!) There’s loads of other rewarding rewards as well, including love poems, lullabies, horizontal pillowcases, and snail mail!

Links to Things:

Patron of the horizontal arts!

Hacienda Villa, my home and where we recorded this episode, a sex-positive intentional community

Hacienda Studio, where Madison performed her Brooklyn dates of Reveal All, housed at the Villa

Reveal All Fear Nothing, Madison’s radical, important solo show (want to bring it to a town near you?)

Madison Young.org (Madison’s website is down at the moment, but hopefully will be back up soon)

Empire Travel Agency, an immersive production for four audience members at a time. Lila played Piper Pilfer in the play (Summer/Fall 2015)

A Brimful of Asha, the play where Lila’s college friend Ravi Jain performs a two-hander about his life, with his mother!

Dapper fellow who sells bow ties at the Union Square Christmas market

How to Break Up With Anyone, a book that Lila wants to read, by Jamye Waxman

“The Artist is Present” Video of Marina Abramovic meeting her lover again after so many years. The last time they met in person was at the culmination of a performance art piece they called “The Lovers,” during which they walked the Great Wall, met in the middle, and ceremoniously ended their relationship.

Transparent, one of the most important pieces of entertainment of our time, and Jill Soloway, its creator

Why is SESTA/FOSTA, a legislation against sex trafficking, making the lives of sex workers less safe?

Shadow banning (what Madison referred to as shadowblocking)

Abby Hertz, who throws the LUST parties, sexy parties (not sex parties, sexy parties) in New York. Her website describes them as erotic dinner parties.

Madison’s unicorn/mermaid role play film with Ela Darling, Unicorns & Mermaids

Madison during the performance of Reveal All Fear Nothing that I attended at Hacienda Studio in Brooklyn, New York. May 2018. Photo by me!


Show Notes (feel free to share quotes/resources on social media, and please link to iTunes, this website, or my Patreon!):

iTunes link: https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/horizontal-with-lila/id1238031115&ls=1

website link: https://horizontalwithlila.com/

Patreon link: https://www.patreon.com/horizontalwithlila

[6:46]  

Madison:  There was one person in the front row of one of the shows, that during my anal tear monologue, laughed, three times, during the monologue! Which it’s just like a v—

Lila:  Whoaaa!

Madison:  An extremely vulnerable, and, it’s like: This is my pain. This is my trauma.  And opening it up. You know. And I’m about to go into this like, even more traumatic, kind of—

Madison:  — dance.                                                                               Lila:  Section.

Lila:  Yeah.

Madison:  You know, movement piece. And, it really threw me for a loop, because, it had never— that had never happened before.

Lila:  No, you—

Madison:  Sophia, my director, said— she was like, “I almost got up and just removed the person … and, I just took a moment. And took a breath, and continued. But she said that next time to … to say it. You know, and I think that’s the great thing about, about—

Lila:  (overlapping) Ohhh, yeah….

Madison:  — about this, this piece, is that it is a conversation; I can hear you. I can hear your responses. If you laugh at my pain, how does that make you feel?

[10:05]  Madison & Lila talk actor’s nightmares.

[11:00]

Madison:  Oh my gosh, I have to tell you about this—

Lila:  Please!

Madison:  — this most recent actor’s nightmare that I had. The nightmare starts with: nothing is ready. Nothing is ready, the set’s not ready, and nothing is ready, the make-up artist is not there, and it’s getting close to showtime, I’m getting nervous. All of a sudden, the, the audience starts to pour in, and I’m back in the green room freaking out, wondering where the make-up and hair person is, and I have nothing that I need. And then, the lights go down, and the show starts, but I’m in the green room, and I’m like, “What is going on?” And it’s MY MOTHER. (huge gasp from Lila) who steps onto the stage and instead, starts just telling embarrassing stories—

Lila:  Oh my gosh!

Madison:  — about me. Yes. That (laughing) is my most recent, nightmare.

Lila:  Wow, and—

Madison:  — that was directly related to Reveal All Fear Nothing.

Lila:  And by the way, I’ve seen a show sort of like that.

Madison:  Really?

Lila:  Yeah, my, my friend that I went to theatre school with, Ravi, he did a show with his mom.

Madison:  Oooh.

Lila:  Called A Brimful of Asha. (Madison uhhuhs) And a lot of it is: him saying something— or her saying something and him being like, “Nonono, Mom, have to tell,

You, you can’t tell them that!  You have to tell it this way. You know, and she’s just like saying all of these embarrassing things, about him, on— you know, onstage, and it’s the show, it’s part of the show, and I thought, Wow, that is unprecedented. I have never heard of anything like that.

Madison:  Is it scripted?

Lila:  It’s scripted.                                                                                           Madison:  Is it—

Madison:  The Mom is an actress?

Lila:  She’s not an actress.

Madison: Okay…

Lila:  She’s never been on stage before. (Madison uhhuhs) He’s the weird one of his family, (Madison uhhuhs) for being an actor, not being a doctor—

Madison:  Right.

Lila:  — whatever else they wanted him to do, and this show is about that! How they wanted to create an arranged marriage for him, but he’s so … he was so Americanized. (Madison uhhuhs) He’s Canadian, but Americanized, we went to school together in New York. (Madison uhhuhs) So I think what it is, is he adapted conversations that they’d already had (Madison uhhuhs) multiple times. But then to put a non-actor on stage, when it’s your mother, when it’s your life, when you’re talking about this, this (hilarious, as it turns out, but) it was a very earnest attempt on their part to marry off their son, (Madison uhhuhs) so it’s hilarious to us, (Madison uhhuhs) but I think they could do it now, because now he is married — not to someone that they arranged (Madison uhhuhs) but to someone that they approve of and he is married, so now she, you know, has the possibility of the grandkids, which is what she brings up at the end, right. She’s like, “Oh, now you give me grandkids,” you know? And, it’s something that I had never (little exhale) just never before heard of.

[13:45]  Lila on recording with her father.

[16:45]  How did Madison learn about sex, growing up in Ohio?

[17:02]

Madison:  So my mom and dad, they split when I was like four years old, and, my mom was a— was a single mom of two kids, and … she, you know, she didn’t have any resources— there still aren’t that many resources, it’s one of the reasons that I do all of the work that I do (inhale) around how to talk to your children, about sex. And, I really grew up in a religious household, Iii, felt shame around my body; I was never given words for my vulva, for my vagina, for my clitoris, I didn’t know my body parts. M-my mom never explained menstruation to me.

Lila:  Oh my.

Madison:  I was very terrified when I started bleeding—

Lila:  Oh nooo!

Madison:  — and was not, given any kind of an explanation. She handed me a book, and then promptly took it away, because she had second thoughts.

Lila:  Oh my God, no!

Madison:  And, when kids … would try to tell me, like what sex is, or bring up sex, I would cover my ears, and I would like, scream, and run because (Lila gasps) I was so afraid of whatever this sex thing was. You know, I was like, I was told, it was like, wrong, it’s dirty, it’s evil. So I didn’t know what it was, but I knew it was something: Stay away from it. Is what I was told.

Lila:  What religion did her beliefs come from?

Madison:  She was Methodist. You know, Christian. So there was definitely a point in going to church, that I vividly remember, in which they were passing around a petition to ban gay marriage—

Lila:  Oh my God…

Madison:  And, at that time, I definitely knew that, even though I didn’t know what sex was, I knew that, I, had desire around, um, women. (Lila mm’ssoftly) And I looked at my mom and I, I, I said, “Please don’t sign that.” I said, (Lila sighs heavily) “Please don’t sign that. Everyone deserves to be with each other if they love each other,” and she looked at me, and she said, “Everybody’s looking,” and she signed it (Lila whimpers a little) and I told her I was never going back to church.

[19:46]

Madison:  There were no conversations, there were no conversations around sex. I had no sex education, really, until … I was 17 and left Ohio and went to Chicago, for my freshman year of college. And I s— I sought it out on my own. Through books.

[20:32]  Madison tells a bit about her mother’s origin story.

[21:45]

Madison:  So I think she wanted me to stay away from men altogether, and then, I was gay! (both laugh) Then I came out as, a lesbian and she was like, “No! You’re just confused! What did I do, I’m so sorry!”

Lila:  (overlapping) Oh my gooosh.

Madison:  And I’m like, “What did you do? Really? What did you do? You said you were gonna be on the porch with a shotgun if a guy came near the house!

Lila:  (gasps) Oh, my gooodness.

Madison:  So, it was— y— you know, I mean, we’ve done lots of processing. And my mom and I have a very healthy relationship now, she actually hates it when I bring all— I’ve brought this stuff up on like, on national TV and Bravo and every— and, like, this is my root, though!

Lila:  (overlapping) Yeah, but, this is what happened.

Madison:  This is my history. This is my—

Lila:  This is your origin story.

Madison:  This is my origin, and it’s a huge— it’s the reason I do the work that I do.

Lila:  Of course it is! You’re fighting back against that, in the hopes that other people won’t have that experience of—

Madison:  Exactly.

Lila:  — repression, lack of information, confusion, disgust at your own body, fear when you start to bleed, you— you know, you don’t want that to happen to anybody—

Madison: No—

Lila:  So you do—

Lila:  what you do.                                                                                   Madison:  So instead—

Madison: —like, my seven year-old knew quite clearly at two years old and could tell you everything about menstruation. You know, can, can explain the anatomy, to a tee! (laughs)

Lila:  Perfect.

Madison:  And understands their body. And there’s nothing wrong with that; there’s everything right with that.

Lila:  Absolutely.

Madison:  How empowering is that!

[23:07]  Has Madison told her eldest daughter / when will she tell her that she is a porn star? What is the age-appropriate time?

Madison:  I believe in being open and talking about what I do in an age-appropriate way, and what that means is, is being very honest about my work. My work: I am an artist, I have a one-woman show, I am au— I am an author of three books, I teach sexuality workshops. I say that: Sex is a way in which grown-ups share affection with each other.

Lila:  Mmm.

Madison:  Grown-up bodies and grown-up minds, share affection with each other—

Lila:  Ohhh, I like that.

Madison:  Just—

Lila:  Sex is a way in which grown-ups share affection with each other.

Madison:  And children have ways of sharing affection with each other too, you know, um, through handshakes and hugs and fist bumps and all kinds of things, that work for their bodies. And in regards to, to porn, my child knows that, mommy and daddy make, movies and films for grown-ups. And there are many grown-up films that, um, are either porn or not porn—

Lila:  Or not, for sure!

Madison:  You know, there are many many— most of the films that you see listed on the marquee are not children films.

Lila:  Because they are full of violence—

Madison:  They’re full of violence—

Lila:  And this culture’s much more comfortable with violence than it is with sex, bizarrely.

Madison:  Absolutely. So, they, they know that. She knows that. And we’ll have conversations around the actual vernacular of porn when it becomes appropriate, or if they ask questions about what exactly is porn, and I think maybe that term has, just because of what we do, it has perhaps, maybe come up and I’ve said that, it is, um, the, the documentation of that sharing of affection. So, um, (Lila hm’s) you know. It’s, it’s like hugging, but for grownups. On film.

Lila:  (laughs) Yes. (beat) Mirelle told me that there is one … one barometer, or one school of thought, about age-appropriate sex-ed for children — or age-appropriate, I guess, education in, in general — that if, that the barometer is curiosity. That that if they’re old enough to ask the question, (Madison mmhm’s) then they’re old enough to be given an answer about it.

Madison:  Right. But to give a small amount at first (Lila mm’s) because, often, grownups— I think that sometimes are like, “Oh! My gosh! We have to have this— talk.” (Lila laughs) And, they start spilling all these words that just don’t even make sense to the kids, so you have to find ways that it relates—

Lila:  Right.

Madison:  — to them.

Lila:  And you’ve already—                                                                      Madison:  That make sense to them.

Lila:  — laid a groundwork that says—

Madison:  Yeah.

Lila:  It’s like hugging for adults. Well, at some point, they’re gonna say, “What does that mean?”

Madison:  Right.

Lila:  “How do adults hug that’s different from children?”

Lila:  Well. Madison:  Right.

Lila:  And then, there’s a natural—

Madison:  Yeah.

Lila:  — easeful progression of information, where, they don’t have to feel duped, it’s not, there’s no stork in there—

Madison:  Right.

Lila:  It’s not like—

Madison:  There’s never a false story—                                                Lila:  — they’re going to—

Madison:  — it’s always the truth—

Lila:  But a part.

Madison:  But allowing more and more detail or information to come in when they’re ready for it.

Lila:  Nuance—                                                                                 Madison:  And add—

Lila:  — when they’re ready for it.

[26:44]  What happened when Madison started experimenting and dating and touching in Chicago at 17?

[27:10]  Madison talks erotic dreams, and Lila rhapsodizes about dry humping. (It’s a delightful act with bad PR.)

Lila:  Had you been masturbating, or was that also discouraged, and—

Madison:  Yeah, masturbation was definitely discouraged as well, and I didn’t know what that was, however, I was kind of doing it, anyway? Because I, I would have these dreams, it definitely came out in my dreams, and I would have— sexy dreams, which basically meant like, kissing.

Lila:  Right!

Madison:  You know, like, bodies close to each other—

Lila:  Right!

Madison:  Like kind of grinding and kissing, you know (Lila giggles) making out: Lips. Hands. But, everyone had their clothes on. (Madison laughs)

Lila:  Yeah, yeah!

Madison:  Um—

Lila:  Which can be so erotic and I actually wish that we did—

Madison:  Totally.

Lila:  — more of that. I wish, there was more frottage. In, even after people have had sex.

Madison:  Yeah!

Lila:  I feel like dry humping is totally under-rated.

Madison:  Oh my God, I love it!

Lila:  It’s just, a, a bad name for—

Madison:  Yeah.

Lila:  — something that’s really delicious. And with clothes on, you can really grind and rub in such a—

Madison:  Yeah.

Lila:  — satisfying way, in a way that I even made myself come with my ex-boyfriend one day when we just kind of didn’t have time and I was just like (high-pitched voice) “Oh, but it feels so good!”

 

frottage (noun) = from the French “rubbing, friction,” commonly used to refer to the act of rubbing against somebody in a crowd, for pleasure.

[Note: Lila doesn’t actually wish that there were more of this kind of frottage — unless it’s consensual play — what she really means is she wishes that people didn’t stop rubbing against one another with their clothes on after they’ve seen each other naked! In other words:]

dry humping (verb) = two bodies rubbing against one another, genital-to-genital, but with clothing in between. Totally under-rated sex act, in Lila’s book.

 

Madison:  Yeah. So I’d have those dreams and I’d wake up and my— I had this stuffed bunny, and like, my stuffed bunny would be in between my legs! (Lila laughs) And I’d just kind of be pressing it. And like feeling, I definitely feel like I had … orgasmic pleasure, from my dreams.

Lila:  Woooow.

Madison:  And from my bunny. (Madison laughs)

[28:34]  The bunny game that Lila plays.

Lila:  Oh I love that it was a bunny, because, if you look — Kenneth’s nickname is Bunny—

Madison:  I see, there’s quite a few bunnies.                                  Lila:  There’s bunnies—

Lila:  Everywhere. (Madison uhhuhs and giggles) And at one point, we decided that we would play a game, and the game was that, if he, got me laid, or was directly responsible for me getting laid, (Madison mmhmm’s) I would get him a bunny, of— you know, without specification— a bunny. That corresponded to the quality of the lay.

Madison:  Aaaahh.

Lila:  So— (Lila laughs)

Madison:  Interesting.

Lila:  So at one— one I got him just a little plush, you know, kind of bunny peep toy— (Madison uhhuhs) peep not peep show, but peep as in the, the marshmallow thing—

Lila:  You eat at Eastertime?                                                              Madison:  Oohhh, yeah yeah yeah.

Lila:  And it was a, it was a purple, ‘cause he loves purple. It was a lavender peep bunny. And then the other one was so good, that I got him a custom-made bunny bow tie—

Madison:  Wooow.

Lila:  With little white bunnies on a lilac background.

Madison:  Oh my goodness, that must have been good.

Lila:  Yeah, I ordered it from a guy who was selling at the Christmas market.

Madison exhibitionizing during a performance of Reveal All Fear Nothing. May 2018, Hacienda.

[30:18]  Madison on the origins of her exhibitionism.

Madison:  Probably hugely influenced by my past, of— if people were looking, it was a huge turn-on (Lila oooooohhs) when I then had the space for me to touch myself or for me to—

Lila:  Wow.

Madison:  — have sex in public where I could be seen, because is— it was this reclamation of, Wow, I can experience pleasure, and, I’m not going to get in trouble. LOOK MA, I’m not getting in trouble! (Madison laughs)

Lila:  That is so interesting. I grew up and my mom was like, “Sex is, a thing that happens between peop— adults who love each other and, and it’s a good thing,” and she made a distinguishing, she distinguished between what is dirty and what is not dirty and, and she said “When you, when you want to have sex — I hope you won’t want to have sex in high school — but you want to, come to me, I’ll get you birth control, I’ll get you, condoms,” like, so it was, it was never treated as a bad thing (Madison mmhm’s) it was treated as a natural thing, and an expression of love, and so, I didn’t have anything to rebel against.

Madison:  Right.

Lila:  And so I didn’t have sex until I was 19, just by choice—

Madison:  Yeah.

Lila:  And I, my relationship to exhibitionism is that I am, actually very … (big inhale) It’s weird that I want to frame it this way, because the word that came to mind is selfish, with my, sexuality. It’s not really what I mean. What I mean to say is, I don’t want to give someone the gift of witnessing me, unless I choose for them to witness me. (Madison mmhm’s) And I’ve always been, like I was the kid who didn’t— if I didn’t wanna sit on your lap, I wasn’t gonna sit on your lap.

Madison:  Right.

Lila:  And I, am kind of proud of that feisty little self, who—

Madison:  Yeah.

Lila:  Who said, “I’m drawing boundaries here, I don’t wanna sit on your lap, No.”

Madison:  Yeah.

Lila:  And it, it’s so interesting, as a performer too, because I, wanna be looked at in the arenas in which I agree that you are welcome to look at me.

Madison:  Right.

Lila:  If I am on stage you are welcome to look at every inch of me, that’s what I’m here for.

Madison:  Right.

Lila:  If I’m on the subway, and you’re staring at me too hard, what are you doing?

Madison:  Oh, that’s completely different. Yes, (Lila laughs) that’s completely different—

Lila:  But, but—

Madison:  There’s not that consent, you’re not, you’re not—

Lila:  No.

Madison:  Yeah.

Lila:  But even at a sex party, where, if you’re engaging in sexual acts at a sex party, and there’s no partition, it’s not a private room— (Madison mmhm’s) you are implicitly giving your consent to people to watch you.

Madison:  Yeah.

Lila:  If somebody is in the room who I don’t want to watch me, it diminishes my turn-on. (Madison mmhm’s) I want control. Over who watches me. (Lila giggles)

[33:21]  How did Madison talk back to the indoctrinated shame and stigma around sex from her childhood?

[33:53]  Madison on bunny sex.

Madison:  We were teenagers, I guess I was, I was 18, and we would, he would come home during his lunch break, or I would come home during my lunch break —

Lila:  Ooohhhhhh!

Madison:  — we would have sex 3 – 6 times a day.

Lila:  Whoa! I’ve never done that ever!

Madison:  Every day, you know—

Lila:  (small voice) I’ve never even had sex twice in one day.

Madison:  Really? Oh my gosh, we, (Lila laughs) we had s— bunny sex. Like nonstop!

Lila:  (overlapping) Oh wooow!

Madison:  So much sex. Sooo much sex. And so we (Lila laughs) we would always wanna try new things! Right, it’s like, “Oh, well, this morning we tried this, so let’s bring out the handcuffs!” Or, “I found this, like, flavored gel, let’s try this!”

[35:06]  All Madison’s exes live in Portland. Is she friends with any of them? Is Lila friends with any of her exes?

[36:30]

Lila:  What was that book you were talking about, I have to read it, about endings, about how to break up?

Madison:  I think it’s called, maybe, How to Break Up, and I think it’s by (Lila giggles) Jamye Waxman. […]

[Note: the full title is How to Break Up With Anyone: Letting Go of Friends, Family, and Everyone In-Between]

Lila:  Oh my gosh, I think it should be required reading!

[37:03]  Lila on ritualizing our breakups.

[40:17]

Madison:  Reveal All Fear Nothing became— was— started out as that, as well, because, when, people would talk to me and they’re like, “How can you be so out? How can—“ (Lila mm’s) what are y— aren’t you afraid?” And, I would tell them, I feel like, I need to reveal— if I reveal all, I fear nothing, because, there’s nothing that someone can dig up in my past, and, and say, “Oh, but you, you hid this! Or you hid, you hid this sexual part of yourself.” Instead, if I’m open, to the degree that people consent to knowing about any element of my life, then, then you never really have to fear about something being discovered, or, or add to that, that social, (sigh) social stigma around sex.

 

out (noun) = typically denoting the state of one’s sexuality (or unconventional gender expression / unconventional lifestyle) being public knowledge. i.e. out of the closet

 

Lila:  It is exactly the same for me. I res— I’m vibrating with that. With you. Because, I’m really out, there now. Really out. (Madison mmhm’s) People know things about my whole life, and I don’t know anything about them. (Madison mmhm’s) And, it is me revealing all in order to relieve myself, or, I’ve think— I’ve thought of it as inoculating myself against stigma. (Madison mm’s) Because, if I’ve already shared it, exactly, there’s nothing you can dig up, because I’ve shared it all, or I’m willing to share it. (Madison mmhm’s) So… it’s there.

Madison:  There it is!

Lila:  It’s out there, they can—

Madison:  You can like it, or not like it— Lila:  But it’s—

Madison:  You can interact with it or not.

Lila:  But it’s there!

Madison:  But it’s there.

Lila:  And I have thought about— I’ve thought sincerely about the privilege that I have to be able to do that in a way that is minimally impactful to my needs as a human being. Need for connection, need for, for money to survive, nee— you know, and I wrote a sentence about it yesterday, and it was: My grandparents are dead, my parents are liberal, my— work-place is kind of badass, and I live in a sex-positive intentional community. So—

Madison:  You have that support. Built in.

Lila:  I, I have social support, for what I’m doing, and, as with any subculture or subgroup, if you have, you know, your team behind you, you can go out and then if you’re (big inhale) attacked— in some way, verbally, or… scary internet ways (I hope, not, but, you know, probably bound to happen, but) if you are targeted in ways, you can go back to the place where you’re nourished, and where people appreciate your kind of warrior spirit, against the m— mores, the constricting mores of society.

Madison:  Yeah, I think if you’re completely alone in your experience and in isolation and not in areas where it feels safe to be out, that it’s, it’s much more difficult to be out, because you just don’t have, have that support. I mean, I was able to … reveal all once I left Ohio. (Lila mm’s) I mean, that’s where I was able to, I mean, even get to know myself before I could reveal anything about—

Lila:  (laughing) Yes!

Madison:  Myself, but. You know, and start to undo that shame.

Lila:  Those people who do it in a sea of opposition, those are the people that I admire as brave. I do not know that I am brave; I do not know that I would do it, if I was ensconced in a culture that opposed me doing it.

Madison:  Yeah.

Lila:  I don’t necessarily think very highly of my own— bravery. I’m actually a fairly risk-averse— person. But then I feel that there is almost a responsibility, having low risk for this and believing in it so much as I do, there’s almost a responsibility then, to share.

horizontal with madison young post-recording. Hacienda Villa. May 2018


[45:37]  Madison on stepping forward as a queer person.

[46:10]  

Lila:  Seeing representation, and knowing people, right—

Madison:  Yeah.

Lila:  Those, those two things seem to be what actually changes hearts.

Madison:  Right. Media, like, yeah!

Lila:  I was about to say, representation on the media, in the TV shows, especially—

Madison:  Yesss.

Lila:  Because—

Madison:  It reaches mid-America. All of that middle ground.

Lila:  It reaches everybody!

Madison:  Outside of the, the bubble.

Lila:  Also, they feel connected and invested in their TV shows, and with their characters.

[46:38]  Lila rhapsodizes about the way representations of characters on modern episodic television can actually change people’s hearts. [She’d love to be on one of those TV shows someday.]

[48:00]  That’s why the TV show Transparent is so important. It sucks that Jeffrey Tambor is verbally abusive.

[48:10]

Lila:  I’m sad that he is verbally abusive—

Madison:  Yes.

Lila:  Because he’s such a great actor, because, he’s on this show that is so important to our culture right now, that we see all these different representations of trans people. Nobody else is doing that! Where is that? That’s nowhere else! Sh— Jill Soloway is doing us a great service. Ughhh, I’m so sad that he’s fucking it up for people. […] Where’s the place for conversation about verbal abuse that is not sexual in this #metoo movement, and time? ‘Cause that’s also not okay, and it’s disproportionately happening against women, but it’s not overtly sexual in nature.

[Note: There are actually several allegations of sexual harassment against Jeffrey Tambor, in addition to the allegation of verbal abuse on set, including allegations from an actress on Transparent and his former assistant. I did not know this when we recorded this episode.]

[49:00]  Madison on systematic, institutionalized misogyny. How do we adjust call-out culture to take on the embedded misogyny in society, as opposed to just focusing on calling out individuals? How can we make it about systematic change?

[51:26]  Why it’s so important that we fight back against legislation like SESTA/FOSTA.

International Whore’s Day Rally for Sex Worker’s Rights. June 2nd, 2018. “My Body. My Fucking Business.”


[51:45]  Madison questions whether her stuff is being shadowblocked [shadowbanned] on-line. Lila wonders if it’s happening to her, too.

 

shadowbanning (verb) = aka stealth banning, ghost banning, or comment ghosting, the act of blocking a person / their posts from a community on the internet, without them realizing it.

 

[52:40]

Madison:  Abby Hertz, who does the LUST—

Lila:  — LUST party.

Madison:  Yes. She— I’ve been watching her on Facebook, and she’s had to like, change the— even the name Lust, if it comes up. She has to add spaces in between each of the letters now—

Lila:  Oh!

Madison:  They’ve taken down, like, every image that she puts up. And it, and it’s ridiculous.

Lila:  It’s so ridiculous.

Madison:  Because, the stuff she’s putting up is not pornographic at all. At all. (Lila heaves a huge sigh) And even the words, the words are triggering— they’re censoring our words!

Lila:  (under her breath) Fuck! It’s it’s it’s Orwellian. It’s backwards!

Madison:  An entire folder of Reveal All photos went missing from Google docs. Google has actually been going in—

Lila:  Oh, my God.

Madison:  I don’t know if it, is from this, but (big inhale) I mean, I’ve heard from many people that Google has been going into the drives and taking down, anything that they deem as potentially pornographic.

Lila:  Ughhhh. I am appalled, but not shocked. But not shocked.

Madison:  Yeah.

Lila:  But I am APPALLED.

Madison:  It just continues. Every single day.

Lila:  It’s it’s really like, the more advanced we get, the more backwards it goes, and we go, in both directions at the same time! (huuuuuge sigh) Fuck.

[54:05]  What is Madison’s hope for the future?

[55:33]  How politics interfered in the relationship between Lila and her ex.

[56:55]  Lila’s mother, until recently, only had a Green Card.

[1:00:55]  Madison tells Lila a story about mermaid sex.

Madison Young & Ela Darling in Mermaids & Unicorns

Madison:  So I directed this film called Mermaids & Unicorns.

Lila:  (with obvious delight) What?!

Madison:  Which was super fun.

Lila:  (with obvious delight, again) What?!

Madison:  And was all about mermaid and unicorn role play. (Lila pants) Yes. And, so I had never really identified as a mermaid, but, I really, really wanted to have sex with Ela Darling, and she identifies as a mermaid, and—

Lila:  Ohhh!

Madison:  Um, she was really excited to—

Lila:  Mermaid with you?

Madison: (simultaneously)  — do the film!

Madison:  She wanted to be mermaid with me, and I was like, all right! (Lila laughs) Coo-ool, that means I get to have sex with (Madison lowers her voice) she used to be a librarian.

Lila:  What?

Madison:  Yeah.

Lila:  A real one? (both giggle)

Madison:  It gets me so hot, thinking about—

Lila:  She is shivering next to me right now.

Madison:  — having sex with a, a person that used to be a librarian. It’s just like the hottest thing in the world to me…

 

[For the rest of the story, you’ll have to tune in to the episode… Good thing I’ve made it easy. Click below, young grasshopper.]

http://directory.libsyn.com/episode/index/id/6683042


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Lila
Dear One, I hope this makes you laugh as much as Dear One,

I hope this makes you laugh as much as it made me laugh. 

Laughter in the midst of grief is so good. As good as tears. Different sides of the same emotional release.

My dear friend & brilliant psychiatrist-writer, writer-psychiatrist Dr. Owen Muir, called to check in on me. We joked about my plan to write a scathing critique of this looks-so-nice-from-the-outside, for-profit Assisted Living facility my mom had been living in for a year. (This is not a joke.) 

Owen suggested I write a scathing critique of everything, and then used the phrase “the terrible consumer experience that is death.” 

He said I should write it. I said he should write it. 

So he called me and we recorded it. Together.
Because this is what we do. 

Big Love,
Lila

To listen to the 7 minute recording, tap the Substack link in my bio, or type this link into your browser: horizontalwithlila.substack.com
My new friend @latonya.sunshine78 , a visual artis My new friend @latonya.sunshine78 , a visual artist and educator whose work I *deeply* admire, gave an Artist’s Talk on Friday at the conclusion of her @floridarama.art exhibition, and I got the chance to see it, and hear her speak passionately, eloquently, humorously, lovingly, about her art and the process of making these large-scale mixed media collage works that, for lack of a better art-world term, I personally think of as Very Mixed Media.

If you swipe through to the last slide, you will see the very first time I caught glimpse of her work, long before I know who the artist was, weeks before the exhibition opening, when it had likely just been hung up, and I brought @mrghyseye to experience the immersive exhibit at FloridaRAMA and we both fell in love with the respective pieces behind us. We thought we matched the pieces so well, in both vibe & style, that we had best selfie with them!

And since I follow FloridaRAMA so closely here on IG, when I saw that the official exhibition opening was happening, I made it my business to get there, on my @radpowerbikes @stpeteradpowerbikes ebike, in my ball gown skirt. I brought two Toastmasters friends, Lena & Steve, along.

You can see from the second photo that I was so moved by Latonya’s work and beautiful energy, that I spontaneously Kissed Her Hands (!!!) Later I was a tid bit embarrassed, like ‘really Lila? She does not know you!’

But she does now. And I can tell you that Latonya is a source of unending inspiration, just by being who she is, and working the way she works.

I was deeply moved by the way she weaves objects, and memory, into a visual tapestry, and the way she listens to the objects until they Tell her how they want to be incorporated, so moved, in fact, that I brought her something back from my father’s funeral, and from his dilapidated house. I will be honored if those memories make their way into a tapestry of hers.

Recently I heard this quote. (Do you know who said it?) 

“Use your suffering. Don’t waste it.

I promise I will use it. I promise not to waste it. It will make its way into all of my art, of every medium. And maybe, it will make its way into the art of others, as well.

❤️‍🩹
I’m recovering from a speech heartbreak. I gave I’m recovering from a speech heartbreak. I gave the most beautiful speech of my life last week. It was about my parents, my father’s sudden death, my love, the love of my life. And it is gone because I forgot to turn on my microphone! 

It’s not completely gone. I did find an app transcription service that can read lips. So I have the transcript, but I am devastated to not have the video as I thought it was going to be something I would send to the @ted curators to follow up on my finalist win in 2021. I was going to send it to X, Y, Z… ( And @imranamed )

And the ephemerality of this is really with me. Sometimes creativity, even visionary creativity is a mandala. 

If you’ve ever seen the monks with the sand, pouring a mandala, they put such meticulous precision, such effort, such focus into it. And when they are finished, they gaze upon it… and they sweep it away. Somebody said that my speech last week was a mandala, and I was like, “Yes! I know!” 

Many people have said, “If you can do it once, you can do it again. And I know that this is true. 

As a person who has been creative my entire life, I know that this is true.

{To WATCH the whole speech or READ the full transcript, go to: 

horizontalwithlila dot substack dot com

Or click the link in my bio, bb}

And then go out and make some art.
“Fashion” I think I’m gonna need to add a B “Fashion”

I think I’m gonna need to add a Bowie album or two to my burgeoning collection… 

Which ones are your favorite? Let a girl know in the comments.

Art by @mollymcclureart 
Leggings by @l.o.m_design 
Vampira lipstick by @thekatvond 
Sneaks by @adidas 
Photo by @samia.mounts
Here’s how it starts: Dear Young Man I Dated in Here’s how it starts:

Dear Young Man I Dated in 2016,

I have something very important to say to you, and it isn’t ‘I told you so.’

It is this:

Politics are about people and the planet.

Every single political issue is about people, or the planet. 

Politics do not equal some ideological, intangible thing. “Politics” are real things with real consequences to real people. Probably people that you know. Probably people that you love.

When you say, “I’m not political,” what I hear is, “I do not actually care about people other than (a handful of) the ones I know personally.”

To read the whole letter, tap my Substack link in bio.
Brought my mom to @floridarama.art for the first t Brought my mom to @floridarama.art for the first time so she could experience something different than the view from her couch, and she “didn’t like it”? It was “esquisito”?

#okboomer 

BeforeI went up to NY for the funeral, I did wind up telling her that my father died. I was worried she would be devastated and she would develop what they call “increased mental state,” but that wasn’t the case. Mostly she was just sad for me. 

I’m not sure if she now remembers that it happened.

To be honest, sometimes I don’t exactly remember that it happened. I have his wedding ring and his glasses and the prayer card on my nightstand but still it’s sometimes unreal.

I don’t want to bring it up all the time, but I do like having physical reminders. 

And though I don’t want to wear all black all the time for months on end to show that I’m in mourning, it feels good to put on my morning armband… even, and maybe especially, because it’s just a little bit too tight. So I really know it’s there.

Because the grief is always there even when I’ve forgotten about it.

So is joy.

Hold your people close and tell them, 
if you love them, 
tell them.

#mourning #arttherapy #floridarama
A poem of grief and wonder-ing that I wrote years A poem of grief and wonder-ing that I wrote years ago, and could have written yesterday.

You can read the whole piece on my Substack (with proper syntax). 

Substack is where I put my tenderest thoughts and deepest writing. If you want to, you can become my patron there. This would move me very much.

Link in my bio.

#grief #griefislove
Went to my father’s funeral, but couldn’t wear Went to my father’s funeral, but couldn’t wear black *all* weekend.

Dreamy roses are red @selkie tournure skirt giving me life. Fascinator by @babeyond_official
Are you a member of the Dead Dads Club? Only two Are you a member of the Dead Dads Club?

Only two criteria for membership!

Any Dad will do. Stepdads, Granddads, Poor Dads, Rich Dads, Fun Dads, Un-Dads.

But for real.

I thought for sure my Mom would go first. I mean, I moved to Florida because she has dementia and she is dying.

“Plot twist,” somebody said.

That’s funny.

I actually mean that. I’m just too tired to laugh today. It takes too many muscles.

My mom is in an assisted living facility, on Hospice Care, can no longer stand up from a seated position on her own, and is worried about the stuffed cats we gave her possibly being dead because they ‘have a soul and they used to meow and now they stopped.’

The staff has been putting down food and water for them and every time I drop by the stuffed cats — and the food — are in a different place in the apartment. So that’s good. They’re still alive, you know. And the facility is still keeping her. Alive, you know. And putting down real food for her stuffed cats.

“What’s the harm?” they said. 

No harm, I say. She wasn’t going to eat that, anyway.

To read the entire essay, to subscribe, or to become s paid subscriber and be part of my art, follow the Substack link in my bio 

horizontalwithlila dot substack dot com

#deaddadsclub #deaddad #grieving #sickmom
Try not to forget, okay? Belt @l.o.m_design Bow Try not to forget, okay?

Belt @l.o.m_design 
Bow @riskgalleryboutique 
Earrings @artpoolgallery 
Top @forloveandlemons 
Photo @samia.mounts 
Art @verticalventures
I never wanted a child. So the universe gave me I never wanted a child. 

So the universe gave me an 84 year-old one. 

We are the playthings of the gods.

I have cleaned up her urine. I have cleaned up her shit. I have changed her soiled diaper. I have used a q-tip to put medicine in tender places that I never wished to see, because there was no one else to do it.

What’s that they call it in the Bible? Smiting? God smote him? Smited him? Smit him? In my bitterer moments, it does feel as though I’ve been smote. In my better moments, it’s simply the part of my story where Timon & Pumbaa sing the “CIRRRRCLE of LIIIIIIFE.”

{You can read the rest of the essay on my Substack. Link in my bio. Thank you for being a witness.}
I’ve just learned that today is International Me I’ve just learned that today is International Mermaid Day!

Thanks @jujubumble 

📸 @wildartistryphotography 
💄 @mrghyseye 
✨ Me
📖 Gift from @kristianndances 

#internationalmermaidday
My Mom is dying. Fasc!sm is on the rise. A small g My Mom is dying. Fasc!sm is on the rise. A small group of evil corporate overlords is trying to Handmaid’s Tale us. My brilliant, funny friend @synchlayer died of bladder cancer at age 49.

I’m out here buying pretty things on the internet. 

I have no regerts.

This will be an essay mostly in photos. I am very, very tired. 

February was: 

setting up temporary-house in FL

gathering 95% of my possessions from 4 places in NY (thanks Kenneth, Deniz, Marghe, Owen!) and two places in Los Angeles (Thanks Adam M. & Samia!) 

driving a 12-foot box truck from NY to Baltimore to Savannah to FL (mostly with Jon! thanks Jon!)

shortly thereafter, flying to L.A. and, while packing up, the remaining 17% of my possessions, managing to see as many people I love as humanly possible (for someone who is slightly manic and rather time-optimistic) — which is, honestly, rather a lot of people, if I do pat myself on the back… myself— and then rushing back to St. Pete (thank you friend for flying me home; you know who you are) because mom went into the hospital again…

FOR THE REST OF THE ESSAY, TAP THE SUBSTACK LINK IN MY BIO, bb. 💋 💋
Proud to Protest today.
Falling more in 🩷🧡💛🩵💙 with St. Pete!

Happy International Women’s Day. 

May each of us born to a woman, 
raised by a woman, 
nurtured by a woman, &
 f*cked by a woman 

CHOOSE to SHOW WOMEN the RESPECT and CARE that we deserve.

#internationalwomensday2025 #stpete #resist
“What a year January has been. 

My dear friend’s sister died by su!c!de. My dear friend lost his home in Altadena and had to evacuate the fire with his family, including his 92 year-old grandmother. My dear friend is dying of cancer in New York. (In his 40s.) The br*ligarchy rears, fasc!sm festers, and every tr@ns person, woman, and human with even mildly uncertain imm!gration status in the United States is, rightly, terrified. 

Here in Florida, my mom fell on her face right in front of me at church last week, on the threshold of the ladies room (busting her upper lip) and had to go to the E.R. where her CAT scan and her hand xrays came back negative but it turns out she has…..”

You can read the whole piece on my Substack- link in my bio!
In March, 2019, my friend @stevenmdean (remember h In March, 2019, my friend @stevenmdean (remember him from horizontal with lila episodes 82. 200 dating profiles, & 83. you do not have voting rights in this startup relationship?) teamed up with an experience designer to create an event they dubbed The Love Immersive, a “10-hour exploratorium-style foray into the 5 love languages.”

In Steve’s words: 

“I teamed up to architect a choose-your-own-adventure interactive journey through the languages of love. 
Spanning every floor of a sprawling 6-story arthouse in the heart of New York City, and co-produced by the creative arts group Moontribe, Love Immersive attracted over 450 attendees who came to explore love through the nuanced dimensions of touch, words, service, quality time, gifts, and more. 

We invited over 50 volunteers and practitioners of different love languages to showcase their creative capabilities in an evening of self-discovery, secret missions, hidden rooms, wandering wizards, art installations, and live music.“

I was one of the 50. 
They gave me a closet. 
A closet.
This is not lost on me.

That was all the space they had left, apparently. And I was determined to make good use of it. I turned it into a cozy nesting pod with blankets and pillows and two sets of listening devices, and I recorded this 11-minute meditation for anyone who stopped in, so that they could take a break from the glorious menagerie for a few minutes. And reset.

In the closet.

#immersiveexperience 

LISTEN ON SUBSTACK! Link in my bio!
Busy? Low on bandwidth? No time to read the whole Busy? Low on bandwidth? No time to read the whole piece?

TL,DR: Don’t ask. OFFER.

Don’t ask. Offer.

Honestly though, the whole piece is worth reading, and, of you’re grieving, sharing with those who ask you if there’s ‘anything’ they can do.

Link to my Substack in my bio.

I love you.
I grieve with you.
I love you.
Think of this as a candy conversation heart that s Think of this as a candy conversation heart that says “READ ME”.

“Annie Lalla, the love coach I would trust with my love life, who explains the unexplainable in ways that break open my head and my heart, once told me of smuggling love. Some people do not demonstrate love in ways that we at first recognize as love. She spoke of becoming a Detective on the Case of Love, noticing where a partner might be smuggling morsels of it. Refilling your water glass while you’re busy writing, perhaps. Going out to the car early to defrost it before you get in. Things like that, and things far less legible.

When I first courted her for a couple of episodes of horizontal with lila, I asked, “How do I smuggle love?” She replied immediately that I don’t seem to smuggle at all; I just come right out with it. Make like confetti. Festoon a person. She said loads of people are more reserved than I am because they believe compliments, effusiveness, and praise, once offered, lower their social status. She said I don’t care much about that, because it’s more important to me to let the person know.

Let the people know.

We are all going to die. And it seems like most of the time, it will be a surprise when. What does status matter, really? Really really.

The fact that I will express my love with a freeness is a thing I love about myself even when I don’t love myself.

So sure, I don’t need a holiday to express my love — which is one of the main annoyances I hear bandied about near February 14th — “I don’t need a holiday to tell me to tell my wife I love her!”

Okay. But setting aside a day for a thing can certainly help, right?

Atonement.

Independence.

Rights.

Holocaust remembrance.

If anything, Valentine’s offers us that cultural pause in the middle of an unfavorite month, a will-we-make-it-through-the-winter, hope-our-stores-last, do-we-have-enough firewood, dear-God-don’t-let-me-freeze-to-death month that says, in candy-colored suspended animation:

Think about love, will you?

What kind do you have?

What kind do you want?

And:

Now what do you want to do about that, sweetheart?”

Read the whole piece on my Substack, darling. Link in my bio.

P.S. I love you.
Read this if you love me: “february, the month Read this if you love me: 

“february, the month you’re supposed to be in love”

https://open.substack.com/pub/horizontalwithlila/p/february-the-month-youre-supposed?r=m6nsi&utm_medium=ios
“This has been a terrible no good very bad super “This has been a terrible no good very bad super sucky year. For moi. (You too?) 

Would not recommend. 
Would not wish on anyone.

Back in Florida. Mother descending into dementia and decrepitude. 

Don’t want to do the things. I am the only person to do the things.

Almost the entirety of 2024 has been an adulting montage. Or rather, for accuracy’s sake, the first three-quarters of the year was a months-long ordeal which Joseph Campbell of The Hero’s Journey might dub the REFUSAL OF THE CALL.

I am firmly in the montage now, though, for sure. How long will it last? Who knows. Montages are interminable for the person living them. That’s why we speed them up in the movies.

So I juuuust entered the montage 2 months ago. Basically when I got out of bed. There was a lot of bed. See: Refusal of the Call.

This is sort of a MVE, a Minimum Viable Essay. I haven’t written in 10 months. A list is the first thing I’ve mustered, and I’m very glad I’ve mustered it because it means I’m back. English is so confusing, isn’t it? Mustered. Mustard. Tomato. Tomato.

Anyhoodle! Without further ado, I present you with an exhaustive yet incomplete list of Things I Learned (in 2024) that I Really Never Wanted to Learn and Didn’t Really Want to Know:

[Go to the Substack link in bio to read about the 24 things!]
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