Rene, where the wild things are.
http://directory.libsyn.com/episode/index/id/5590553
Rene: A gangbang is when there is, usually a female-bodied person, who is surrounded by, at the very least, three male-bodied people, so, it’s normally a person with a vagina and at least three people who have penises, and this person is sexually pleased by these three men, right, and the center, or the attention is all about the, the woman, right, so there’s very different types of gangbangs that can be made. So there are some people who like the idea of, this can be kind of like a little taboo but they like the idea of being sequestered and captured. They are forced to do the biddings of these men who are in control. And then, there are others where the woman is treated like a goddess and only pleasurable things are done to this person. They’re caressed, and worshipped, and given many orgasms.
Lila: That sounds lovely. That doesn’t sound like the word ‘gangbang’ at all. […]
Rene: Right. So there is, so, in heteronormative culture— the, the word gangbang arrives because of that. The— in quote unquote heteronormative porn, it’s the men who have the control, and the women have to submit, right, and so, the term, gang, a gang of men, come, and quote unquote bang the woman, right, or do what they please to the woman. And so that’s how the name, kind of emerged. This is just my opinion, based on my experience, I’m sure somewhere out on the interwebs there’s like an actual history, and if, if you do find it, please forward it to me, I’d be interested in reading it. But that’s kind of how it came to be known, as women being suppressed by men. And so then people who are not— who don’t have these conversations on sex-positivity just think it’s like being abusive to women. But in our sex-positive culture it’s really about fulfilling on the fantasy of the person who wants to be gangbanged.
*
“Aftercare is when you take care of your partner, and and really what you’re doing is you take care of their body so you can take care of their emotions, so you can nourish their soul.”
– Rene
Welcome back to horizontal with lila, the podcast about intimacy (sex, love, and relationships of all kinds) that’s entirely recorded while lying down. Many episodes (like this one), are recorded at Hacienda Villa, my home, a sex-positive intentional community in Bushwick, Brooklyn.
In this episode, I lie down with my housemate Rene. This is the second half of the episode. I highly recommend the first half as well!
Rene on the pole.
Rene is the most genuinely enthusiastic person I have ever known. When I first met him, I didn’t quite trust him. I thought, “Is this guy for real? Is he really this happy?” He is! It’s incredible.
In response to his tendency to fold other people’s laundry, I coined the in-house hashtag PRIMOVILLAN (#primovillan), and started regularly asking myself, What would Rene do? The question was like a lovingkindness tune-up for me.
Rene and his 8-pack can be seen pole-dancing at the House of Yes, often on Pole Play Wednesdays — he actually defies gravity while Horizontal!
You can follow his pole journey on Instagram @The_Renesance, which is a nickname that I made up for him. I’m pretty proud of that.
In the first part of our conversation, titled “shower-head: horizontal with a primo villan,” we talked about our parent’s relationships, divorces, oral sex in the shower, compartmentalizing emotions, and Rene’s nearly unbelievable cheerfulness.
In this second part, we discuss death awareness, gratitude practices, our enormous teddy bear roommate (Tiny), and, as promised, how to curate a gangbang.
You’re invited … won’t you come lie down with us?
Links to Things:
The House of Yes, a performance art party venue in Bushwick, Brooklyn
@The_Renesance, Rene’s pole-dancing Instagram
The MindBody Code by Mario Martinez, a book about adopting the mindset of healthy centenarians
The Tiny Fan Club you can join on Facebook, in celebration of our 15th housemate, a giant, gender-neutral Self-Care Bear
“My Girlfriend Wanted And Orgy For Her Birthday. Here’s How We Pulled It Off.” Grant Stoddard’s article (Grant! From Episode 2!) about the gangbang that Rene curated for his girlfriend.
Show Notes (feel free to share quotes/resources on social media, and please link to my iTunes, this website, or my Patreon!):
iTunes link: https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/horizontal-with-lila/id1238031115&ls=1
website link: https://horizontalwithlila.com/
Patreon link (the crowdsourcing of patronage!): https://www.patreon.com/horizontalwithlila
[1:45] Lila’s food meditation.
[3:07] A gratitude meditation. Gratitude as an exalted emotion. That terminology comes from the book The Mindbody Code by Mario Martinez.
[6:32] What tools does Rene use to maintain his cheerfulness?
Rene & Tiny
[10:36] Tiny the giant, gender-neutral, self-care bear. [see visual aid at left] Tiny has a Fan Club you can join on Facebook.
[11:44] How does Rene balance his emotional labor among his polyamorous relationships?
[12:05]
Rene: So here’s, here’s the thing: I do get my emotional needs met. So that’s important. And I think knowing what your emotional needs are in the first place is, is a good step to take. […] So, for example, one-on-one time with my partner is important to me, where it’s like scheduled in, where she and I can just like connect. […] And it doesn’t have to be a lot of time, but just knowing that it’s consistent, to me that’s important because it’s a sign of security for me. So I, I know that, even if we don’t see each other as often as we would have liked in the week, we have that evening on Wednesday scheduled, for example, right, so I know I have that time, or we have that breakfast on Saturday morning scheduled in. […] I’m extroverted, and I know this about myself. And so I know that I don’t really get drained easily engaging with multiple people, whether it’s conversing or managing numerous relationships. If anything, it feeds me. I get energy from the other person, if that makes sense. […] So for me it works. I mean I have my boundaries and I have my areas where like I need ‘me time.’ But I know where those limits lie for me, and if I do get to that point I’ll, my partner knows to support me around that.
[13:42]
Rene: I care about my partners so I enjoy reaching out to them — to me, it’s not managing at all, it’s not like I’m managing these relationships […] the only thing I’m managing is my calendar, right, and, and, these other people in my life, they, they add value to me. I mean, so I have one partner that we love to pole dance together, we have our pole dates, and we pole dance together, and we stretch, and that’s our way to connect and bond and we get to talk before, during, and after, and it’s like a wonderful way for us to connect. And I have another partner whom, like I really just enjoy being around, and we don’t really have to do anything, we can just chill and talk or not talk and we, we really enjoy the company that we give each other. And that’s um, that’s something that’s very fulfilling for me. So, the people that I have in my life, they, they add to me in some way. […] I have three partners that I’m dating, and they all have very different rel— they each fulfill me in different ways, let’s put it that way. So I have one partner, with whom I just love to cuddle. If all we ever do is cuddle, that’s all I need. I’m so happy with that. I mean, her skin to me is divine. I melt into it, all I do is want to just hug her and hold her and give her little kisses all over her body, I’m totally fine with that. And it’s a very strong, loving friendship. And it’s— I wouldn’t call it like, super romantic, but there’s a lot of love there, and a lot of friend love, and it’s very, for me it’s very … connecting, and then then for me it’s like an honor and a privilege to be able to have a relationship like that with this person. And then I have another relationship with someone and it’s like very kinky and adventurous and we do like, things I never would have thought I would have done, together, and it’s exciting and I feel so safe when I’m with this person! And I know that they feel safe around me, and there’s this strong attraction and connection, and we’re like enjoying exploring that together, and this relationship is like becoming stronger and we’re like both really interested in seeing how it develops into the future. And then I have this other relationship with someone, so it’s very new, and it came out of nowhere. You ever look at someone and just completely fall in love? And know that you did? And you’re like ‘Oh man. This is happening. And I have no say about this.’ And … oooof. It just makes my heart beat and skip, and even now my heart is beating so fast, thinking about this person.
[17:15] Rene’s poly limit.
[18:07] What Rene no longer feels afraid of at this point in his dating life.
[19:37] Rene tries to define the word “kinky.”
[20:23] Rene on impact play.
Rene: How does one heighten their experience of someone else? One of my favorite ways to do that is through impact play. Impact play is when a partner […] hits the other partner, and so there’s an impact made on someone’s skin or body, and it can be … pleasurable, right, if you use the right amount of force. And it can be painful, if you use the right amount of force … and the interesting thing about that is discovering where the line is between pain and pleasure, and then beginning to blur that line, just a little bit.
[21:14] Lila’s karaoke song: “Hurt So Good.”
[23:09] Rene explains a gangbang for you.
[26:22] How Rene began to curate consensual gangbangs.
[27:17] How does one prepare for a gangbang? Discovering desires, delineating boundaries, expressing where there is a wish for limits to be pushed, and … scheduling. Also, a few “pro tips.”
[30:22] Grant Stoddard’s article on the goddess worship-style gangbang that Rene curated for his girlfriend.
[31:38] On 10-handed massages. Perhaps similar to subspace.
subspace (noun) = a state of flow experienced through the act of submission and total immersion in a scene
[33:14] On gangbang politeness.
[34:46] Rene on aftercare.
Rene: Aftercare is when you take care of your partner, and and really what you’re doing is you take care of their body so you can take care of their emotions, so you can nourish their soul. That’s how I see it. […] Here’s kind of how it looks like: when, when someone experiences, like a consensually extreme experience, and it could be some type of sexual play, like a gangbang for example, or it could be some type of impact play, BDSM play, there’s a lot of— the body goes through a lot of heightened senses, and so, after that experience, what’s really, what’s really nice is to maybe take a nice cozy blanket and wrap your partner in it, because that feeling of softness, being enclosed, really grounds that person, and brings them back to their body and brings them back, almost to reality, and just holding them helps them feel grounded, connected to you. Some people need different things, so it’s good to ask your partner what kind of aftercare they need or […] you need to anticipate what their needs would be, so, some people might need to eat or might need some candy or a cupcake or comfort food. Some people want to be caressed and petted, other people just want to be held. Some people like to look into their partner’s eyes and gaze deeply, and be connected in that way. Other people like to, like, talk. Some people don’t like to talk. So, some people like quiet and just being held, or being alone or having a quiet space, other people like music, so, it’s really like taking care of the body and I like to do this with like a nice cozy blanket, making sure that there is food, water, or other nourishment, easily and readily available, and then, you do that and you’re able to take care of that person’s emotional needs. People need a release afterwards, so that could come out in the form of crying, and it’s nice to hold a space, and not react to whatever emotional release that they’re having, just hold them, and know that you are there to support them in that […] and doing that, it show that you really care for your partner, and that really helps feed their soul and it creates a lot of bonding, because now you’ve had this experience together but also you’ve seen it from the beginning, through it, and then also towards the end, and you’re there the whole time and you’re there to take care of them afterwards.
holding space (verb) = the act of witnessing, of compassionately listening or simply being present with another human being, without feeling the need to express opinions, make suggestions, or take action to make things “better.”
[38:11] What would make it feel safe for Rene to “come out” as living a poly and sex-positive life?
[39:46] Rene tells Lila a story about pole dancing.
[44:25] “Begin it. Begin it now.” This is an excerpt from Lila’s favorite quote:
“Until one is committed, there is hesitancy, the chance to draw back, always ineffectiveness. Concerning all acts of initiative (and creation), there is one elementary truth, the ignorance of which kills countless ideas and splendid plans. That the moment one definitely commits oneself, then providence moves too. All sorts of things occur to help one that would never otherwise have occurred. A whole stream of events issues from the decision, raising in one’s favor all manner of unforeseen incidents and meetings and material assistance, which no man could have dreamt would have come his way. I have learned a deep respect for one of Goethe’s couplets: Whatever you can do, or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it. Begin it now.”
– William Huchison Murray, The Scottish Himalayan Expedition
http://directory.libsyn.com/episode/index/id/5590553
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